So it hit me…

I don’t really know how to begin this blog.  It’s been a long weekend.  While I was at the doctor on Wednesday we realized I have a sinus infection and Mike and I have been battling those all weekend so I know that has something to do with it.  It’s been exhausting and for some reason on Friday everything just kind of hit me, that 4 weeks from that day I randomly had a seizure and they then the next morning found this brain tumor and two weeks from that day I had that brain tumor mostly removed and on Wednesday I found out it was a type 2, not a type 1 or a 3 or 4 and I will wait for 3 months and will get another MRI and will get to wait I’m sure several days after that to see what the deal is.

I’ve been asked about getting second opinions and so many of my much beloved Emory people have offered medical expertise and I am full of gratitude for that.  I think it was Friday though when it hit me that all this really has happened and this is not a bad dream and this is my new reality.  I kind of hate the phrase at this point “new normal.”  A large part of me wants to scream the heck with the “new normal.”  I don’t want to find it.  I don’t want to have to find it.  I don’t want any of this happening period.

I know that there are very many people that have this worse off than I do.  It could have been a type 3 or 4 malignant.  I’m not even going to name all of the worse things that could be happening right now, and I know that and feel the pain of that.  But I also have to acknowledge that for me this sucks.  For a known and self-identified control freak, not being able to drive anywhere when I get carsick all the time, not having any control over this line of tumor still in my brain, not being able to do anything about it (yes I know I can get a second opinion and I can choose my attitude and I can be thankful, but that’s not how I always feel), not having the energy to clean up the house much less care that it’s a mess….it really just stinks.

So I battled this funk all weekend.  I read three books over the weekend – two ended sadly and praise God the one I read yesterday ended well.  We watched Carolina make it into the College World Series which is tremendous.  I spent the weekend playing with the kids and we ate good food, relaxed and I’m as always thankful for the help of my mom and Mike in keeping things together right now.  On Sunday morning I had absolutely no desire to go to church.  No I didn’t pull the I’m going to go to Bedside UMC this morning or Boxsprings Baptist, but I didn’t really want to go.  But you know that’s what happens on Sundays…Mike goes to church and on the rare chance that I’m not preaching I get to listen to someone bring the Word.  So Mom and I got the kiddos dressed and ready for church and off we went.

All morning I had been on the verge of tears and when we went into Bethel the first hymn was “O How He Loves You and Me” from the Faith We Sing 2108.  That was it.  I ended up having to go downstairs because I was pretty much hyperventilating crying.  It’s a simple song…”O how he loves you and me!  O how he loves you and me!  He gave his life.  What more could he give?  O how he loves you; O how he loves me; O how he loves you and me.”  I wasn’t upset because I didn’t believe the words.  I was upset because I do believe the words.  I know God loves me but that doesn’t completely change how devastating some of this is.  We can feel and know God’s love and there is hope there, but sometimes all we feel is despair at all of the what if’s and could have been’s and it isn’t easy to keep on singing and praising when you’re just not there.

By the time I got it together Josh was on to the children’s sermon and then the choir played a song that Patti had learned at a UMW retreat.  It’s also out of the Faith We Sing 2218 called “You are Mine.”  Here are the words:

I will come to you in slence, I will lift you from all your fear.  You will hear my voice, I claim you as my choice, be still and know that I am here.

I am hope for all who are hopeless, I am eyes for all who long to see.  In the shadows of the night, I will be your light, come and rest in me.

Do not be afraid, I am with you.  I have called you each by name.  Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.

I am strength for all the despairing, healing for the ones who dwell in shame.  All the blind will see, the lame will all run free, and all will know my name.

I am the Word that leads all to freedom, I am the peace the world cannt give.  I will call your name, embracing all your pain, stand up, now walk, and live!

Do not be afraid, I am with you.  I have called you each by name.  Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.

I kept crying but that at least got me to the sermon which was great and much needed as well.  All day I just kept struggling with this.  And I finally just let it out during Phineas and Ferb and told Mom and Mike the things that I’m frustrated with and afraid of and just sick of.  I don’t want to bottle this up and it keep giving me nightmares and I don’t want to take it out on my children or family, but it’s all so much sometimes that everything spills over.

Somehow though after saying it out loud to them and after eating some Fruitloops and watching the daytime Emmy’s I felt better.  Last night was one of the first nights I didn’t have a nightmare and for that I am thankful.  Is every day going to be easy?  No.  Does life sometimes really completely stink?  Yes.  Are there sometimes in our lives when tears of desperation are all that we can muster? Sure.  Is there One who still loves us and holds us and wants the best for us even in the midst?  Heck Yeah.  Is that hard to handle sometimes?  I think so.

I can’t help hearing that refrain from the hymn – “Do not be afraid, I am with you.  I have called you each by name.  Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.”  I guess sometimes there are things that we just have to cling to in the midst.

The kids were watching an Anne of Green Gables cartoon on PBS yesterday and I LOVE Anne of Green Gables.  It was a lot of fun watching it with them and I love that Kevin Sullivan produced both the Anne that I grew up with and this new animated series.  She always had a way with words saying things like not just feeling sad but being in the “depths of despair.”  Funny girl.  Maybe sometimes we are in the depths of despair.  And that’s real.  It’s not always faith, praise, and strength.  Who in the heck is like that all the time?  We are real people with real crud that happens and sometimes that’s not beautiful or picture perfect.  There are questions.  There are fears.  There is struggle.  I’m glad we don’t have to always have the answers and I’m glad that we don’t have to stay in the depths.  May God give each of us the strength and the tenacity and the courage and the hope to keep keeping on but may we also be thankful that we can come battered and bruised and confused and despondent and that’s okay too.

There’s a song I listened to a lot as a gangly too tall teenager facing typical mean girl stuff – nothing out of the ordinary, but you know how it goes.  The song is by Twila Paris and it’s called “The Warrior is a Child.”  May we each know that there’s a home to run to and that it’s okay to struggle with picking up the pieces.