Hurricane

I have my first MRI post-surgery tomorrow at 9 am. The doctor is going to read it at our appointment at 1 pm. I’m not expecting that the tumor will grow back overnight. Not by any means. And I’m sure the doctor’s visit will be anticlimactic – but only in a GREAT, AWESOME, GOD way.

This song “Hurricane” by Natalie Grant has really struck me lately.

Bald is Beautiful?

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I took my hat off going through security at the airport (they made me) and my hat flew off at the beach earlier today so I’m naming the awkwardness of the patchiness of my head. It still hasn’t begun to grow back and they’re unsure whether it will grow back during chemo, if it will ever grow back. But we pray on. I never thought I would be saying a prayer about my hair.

Getting Back

I’ve been preaching for four Sundays now.  Reading from a manuscript.  Sunday was the first Sunday I had the nerve to do the communion liturgy and benediction extemporaneously.  I bet it was the shortest communion extrapolation ever!  I’ve been frustrated with how slow a process it is.  I came home late in the afternoon after having lunch with the students and something prompted me to reach for The Legend of Bagger Vance among the collection of our DVD’s.  It was a God thing.  I needed it.  And God knew it.

 

“Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing. Something that we were born with. Something that’s ours and ours alone. Something that can’t be taught to you or learned. Something that got to be remembered. Over time the world can rob us of that swing. It can be buried inside us in the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s. Some people forget what their swing was like.”

 

“You know I can’t quit.”
” I know. Just making sure you know it too.”

 

“Look at his practice swing. Almost as if he’s searching for something. And then he finds it. He settles himself right in the middle of it. Feel that focus. He’s got a lot of shots he can choose from….But there’s only one shot that’s his. Authentic shot. And that shot is going to choose him. There’s a perfect shot out there trying to find each and every one of us. What we got to do is get ourselves out of it’s way and let it choose us.”

 

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. But you ain’t alone. I’m right here with you. I’ve been here all along. Now play the game. Your game. The one that only you was meant to play. The one that was given to you when you come into this world. You ready? Take your stance. Strike that ball. Don’t hold nothing back. Give it everything. Now’s the time. Let yourself remember. Remember your swing.”

 

It was like my own personal pep talk.  I need to be me.  I need to trust my own voice.  I need to be centered on God and all that comes with it.  It reminds me of the old Siler’s Bald song Getting Back.  With the lines like, “I crawl, I run, as you wait for me//With open arms, there you stand//take my heart in your hands//I’m going to keep my eyes on you//I pray this life you’ll see me through.”

So there’s progress.  I was able to do the chinese balls with my right hand.  I wasn’t able to do that a month ago, so I dreaded it when my occupational therapist placed them before me.  But I was pleasantly surprised that I could do it!

It still terrifies me to stand in the pulpit.  But I know I’m not alone.  May my nervousness draw me closer to God.  This is my prayer.

Thanks for all of yours!  I walk this journey with all of you by my side and a great cloud of witnesses looking on.

Halfway Point

So I’m halfway through the radiation treatments and I have had very little side effects – occasional nausea, hair loss, and headaches.  But I’ve got some great wigs in a variety of colors!

This song came on the radio, as I was heading into radiation.  The chorus

“You’re the one who conquers giants
You’re the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You’re the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan’s hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am”

We certainly serve an audacious God.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JI4CPfuLW0

The lectionary text for this past week, shows Jesus casting out demons.  I think of the Florence and the Machine song “Shake it Off” with the lyrics “Every demon wants his pound of flesh….And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back…So shake him off”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0cjxmMDNFo

We serve an audacious God.  The Upper Room devotional had this verse from Psalm 62:8 this morning, “Trust in [God] at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”  These are my reminders that God is faithful to deliver and no matter how my foolish pride may get in the way, I can always pour out my heart to God.

This Too Shall Pass

The surgery was successful.  The doctor said he got it all.  The speech is improving and the hand is almost back to normal.  Answered prayers!

Mike got a call from the radiologist on Monday to say that it upgraded to a malignant tumor.  Grade III.  Continued prayers!

We met with the radiation oncologist today.  The oncologist explained that the surgery was successful, but the likelihood of recurrence is pretty good.  I will start radiation and chemo on Thursday, 5 days a week for 6 weeks.  It will be 20-30 minutes a day.  This will be preventative with minimal side effects, the worst of which is described as fatigue.  They said I would have temporary hair loss randomly and permanent hair loss at the site of the tumor.  But during treatment I will still be in the office, and rocking my speech and occupational therapy.   

Change of summer plans.  

At least I get to see the kids more. 

LOVE – Songs of my Soul for Now

In an hour I go to the hospital for my second brain surgery and it feels super surreal to write that.  I wanted to post a quick blog before I go to say thank you to everyone who is praying and who has been supporting us.  We can feel your love and the community surrounding us!

I spent this past week with 30+ students from Gator Wesley touring around the state of Florida doing our Spring Tour – singing, dancing, rocking out, reading scripture and so much more.  There’s a song that they sing in one of the sets (and I love the mash up that they do) called “Set a Fire” by United Pursuit Band and one of the lines says, “There’s no place I’d rather be…but here in Your love…”  I’ve felt that from each of you.

Campus ministry is this crazy special place where things intersect – struggles, fears, hopes, dreams, silly Vine videos, lots of laughter, and experiences that both challenge and inspire. The students this week have inspired the heck out of me.  I’ve been ministered to in their music and their passion and their faith, and even more than that in their zest for life!  There weren’t many stops during this tour where I didn’t feel moved in some way and though I couldn’t figure out how to share that with them without becoming a blubbering hot mess, I want to let them know how special this week was for me.  Even the trampolines.  And the cold water of the spring when knocked off a raft.

Two of the songs that they’ve been singing are two favorites of mine that I’ve been holding dear over the past few weeks.  They didn’t know that when they picked the songs how much they have been resonating with me and yet again, I know that God is weaving all of this together in mighty ways.  The first is Meredith Andrews’ “Not for a Moment.”

And the second is by an amazing band that we hosted here at Gator Wesley called Bellarive.  It’s their song, “Taste of Eternity.”

These have been the songs of my heart.  Worship taps into a place that breaks down the barriers that we place.  It digs in between the walls that we’ve built to protect ourselves and the layers of stress and muck that this world provides.  May the scales on our hearts and our eyes be removed that we may see God more clearly and know God more fully, as God draws us to God’s self.  I know that no matter what happens today, I know that I am God’s and God is ever in the midst working things together for good.

Y’all have humbled me speechless with all of your texts, facebook messages, tweets, and cards and I hope that each of you feels the love, hugs, fist pumps, and high fives that we have for you!  Thanks for being on this journey with me.

Much love!

Cheers to a new haircut!

Grace and Peace,

Narcie

The Anger Stage

So it’s there.  A little bit after the parental units, but nonetheless, the anger stage is in the house.  I, like most of you, know about the stages of grief and it’s almost worse that I know this and realize this and can clinically say, why of course, Narcie Jeter, what you are experiencing is a quite substantial dose of the anger and sadness stages of grief.

Lord knows why it took me so long and why I went into survival, defuse the situation, and keep bouncing along mode except for the fact that I just really don’t want to deal with this.  I really don’t want to think about surgery again.  I really don’t want to show the kids the scar from the last time and let them know this is all going to be okay.  I really don’t want to feel so freaking ticked off and frustrated and distracted and weepy.  Weepy.  And not in a nice, cute crying way, but watching old episodes of Dawson’s Creek and crying like a nutcase.

I don’t really know how to make this feeling go away so besides the Dawson’s Creek marathon which is strangely always comforting (nutcase, I told you), I’m trying to blog it out.  Maybe if I articulate whatever this is…since I don’t really have a punching bag and I probably shouldn’t throw things against the wall so late at night.

I don’t actually know what I want.

I don’t know if there’s an answer.

I don’t even know if there’s a question.

Things I know:  I love my family.  I trust God.  I know there are many, many people praying.  I appreciate that greatly.  I love what I do – all of it – silly, serious, and in between.  I am tired.  I am worried.  I am scared.  I am loved and cherished by an amazing man who is more than I ever deserve or imagined.  I have done this before and I know all will be fine and it’s a great doctor and facility.  I can’t decide if this is a big deal or not a big deal or if it’s just normal, which is weird and not quite right.  I’m already wondering about the next surgery or what will happen…  I have the two silliest, sweetest, most unique and precious and precocious children imaginable and I swing between the hope that they may never know anything about this because I wish I could control things and realizing that this isn’t just my story but our story.  I realize that there are a heck of a lot of people dealing with things more awful and challenging and I sometimes feel whiny and weak for even articulating this.

And yet.  When I start typing and I stop feeling the waves of anger for a bit and I stop crying along to “I Don’t Wanna Wait” like a sad sack, I know that God is carrying me and holding me each step of the way, which ironically in some ways makes me cry more.  And for the record, I’m not writing that as a pastor and I don’t care a hill of beans if anyone reads this, but it’s just good to feel and know that.  Even as silly as that may seem to some.

Thanks for being on this journey.  Thanks for praying.  Even if I don’t always answer the emails, comments, facebooks, fast enough or at all, know that I appreciate them and I read them.  They help that “held” feeling when it’s denial, anger, sadness, and yuck city.  Love you all.  Especially my crazy WNWers that would let me share my Dawson’s obsession.  And if any of you reading this make fun of me for my silly, trashy, and immature tv watching….you’re going to get it.  (I kid.  Mostly.)

***I also realize that I write plenty of run-on, stream of consciousness sentences, and I, nor the English major inside of me, actually cares.  So ha!