So it’s there. A little bit after the parental units, but nonetheless, the anger stage is in the house. I, like most of you, know about the stages of grief and it’s almost worse that I know this and realize this and can clinically say, why of course, Narcie Jeter, what you are experiencing is a quite substantial dose of the anger and sadness stages of grief.
Lord knows why it took me so long and why I went into survival, defuse the situation, and keep bouncing along mode except for the fact that I just really don’t want to deal with this. I really don’t want to think about surgery again. I really don’t want to show the kids the scar from the last time and let them know this is all going to be okay. I really don’t want to feel so freaking ticked off and frustrated and distracted and weepy. Weepy. And not in a nice, cute crying way, but watching old episodes of Dawson’s Creek and crying like a nutcase.
I don’t really know how to make this feeling go away so besides the Dawson’s Creek marathon which is strangely always comforting (nutcase, I told you), I’m trying to blog it out. Maybe if I articulate whatever this is…since I don’t really have a punching bag and I probably shouldn’t throw things against the wall so late at night.
I don’t actually know what I want.
I don’t know if there’s an answer.
I don’t even know if there’s a question.
Things I know: I love my family. I trust God. I know there are many, many people praying. I appreciate that greatly. I love what I do – all of it – silly, serious, and in between. I am tired. I am worried. I am scared. I am loved and cherished by an amazing man who is more than I ever deserve or imagined. I have done this before and I know all will be fine and it’s a great doctor and facility. I can’t decide if this is a big deal or not a big deal or if it’s just normal, which is weird and not quite right. I’m already wondering about the next surgery or what will happen… I have the two silliest, sweetest, most unique and precious and precocious children imaginable and I swing between the hope that they may never know anything about this because I wish I could control things and realizing that this isn’t just my story but our story. I realize that there are a heck of a lot of people dealing with things more awful and challenging and I sometimes feel whiny and weak for even articulating this.
And yet. When I start typing and I stop feeling the waves of anger for a bit and I stop crying along to “I Don’t Wanna Wait” like a sad sack, I know that God is carrying me and holding me each step of the way, which ironically in some ways makes me cry more. And for the record, I’m not writing that as a pastor and I don’t care a hill of beans if anyone reads this, but it’s just good to feel and know that. Even as silly as that may seem to some.
Thanks for being on this journey. Thanks for praying. Even if I don’t always answer the emails, comments, facebooks, fast enough or at all, know that I appreciate them and I read them. They help that “held” feeling when it’s denial, anger, sadness, and yuck city. Love you all. Especially my crazy WNWers that would let me share my Dawson’s obsession. And if any of you reading this make fun of me for my silly, trashy, and immature tv watching….you’re going to get it. (I kid. Mostly.)
***I also realize that I write plenty of run-on, stream of consciousness sentences, and I, nor the English major inside of me, actually cares. So ha!