So am I the only one who has been incessantly watching America’s Got Talent? I don’t know if it’s the lack of things on television right now or I’m just waiting to start watching Big Brother (love that show!), but we have been watching America’s Got Talent over and over and over. They’re now down to the final 48 if you don’t know. If that seems like a lot of people/acts left to you – wow you don’t know how long it took to get there or with what angst.
These episodes stress me out. I know that makes me a sad person that I get so emotionall invested in tv shows but it’s not like these people are all professional people that are used to being rejected. Some of these people you envision are just like you and me – joe blow. Maybe melodramatic but it’s heart breaking when some of them get the boot. I really wanted the guy with the kite to make it even though I know you couldn’t watch that for over an hour in a Vegas act (and that’s the prize) but still…. I don’t like to see the crushing rejection. That’s not entertainment. But you can’t have the good without the bad. For every sad defeat, you’ve got someone who gets blown away by the opportunity to perform in Hollywood in front of a live audience one step closer to their dream. Those moments are amazing! The excitement, joy, hugs….wow….the blonde girl that sings Jewel and grew up in foster care, the kid from Alabama whose Dad said him making it was the most proud moment of his life, I can’t believe they let the hand whistle lady go through but dude – she was jumping up and down with a walker – that is excitement.
Last night as they were making some folks dreams happen and they were sadly crushing others they played Coldplay’s “Fix You.” I like this song. I’ve like it for a long time. There’s something about the melody and the build up in the middle that really speak to the journey for me…that really speak to the every person. One of the lectionary scriptures this week is from Luke (10:25-37) and it’s talking about the Good Samaritan and who our neighbor is…among other things. When I think about America’s Got Talent and how some of these crazy yokels could literally be our next door neighbor – I think about that story. When I think about MLK’s wise words that we encounter half the world every morning in the clothes that we wear and the food that we eat and all of the many ways that our wide but intricately connected world makes quick neighbors of even the most far-reaching among us. I think about this Coldplay song and the lights the lead each of us home. Not I’m not listening to the song for complete theological accuracy and no I’m not debating the “I will try to fix you,” because I think God does a heck of a lot more than just fix us. But I do like that even as melancholy as the song starts out, the building instrumental bridge in the middle and the crescendo that happens there to me speaks very much to the ebb and flow of life and that we are all in this together. That lights/our neighbors/the love of God/all sorts of crazy things do lead us home.
So who are those neighbors? Who are the lights in our life? What does that mean as we follow God? What is Jesus trying to say here? I am thankful for those that journey with us. Those that we know and those that we don’t. Those that we see every day and those that we see once in a lifetime. Those that we think are just like us and those that challenge and stretch our points of view in mighty and prophetic ways.
I guess we’ll see how our neighbors in this crazy tv show will do in the coming weeks…
I played Michael Buble’s Feeling Good a couple months ago at church. Can’t remember the text at this point but it was about the swagger. There’s a certain swagger to Michael Buble and this song and I think there’s often a certain swagger to the new day that was created in the resurrection. When Easter came -” it really was a new dawn, a new day, a new life.” Not that I’m actually picturing Jesus swaggering. Can’t imagine him in a rat pack hat. Not even “Buddy Jesus” a la Dogma. But there is a certain swagger to this new day that has been created. A day where we have hope. A day where we aren’t just talking in metaphors and imagery, but we are God’s people here on earth trying to live into the already and not yet of God’s kingdom now. Among us.
That is a powerful thing. We’re not just all hanging out down here and doing the best we can for the heck of it. We’ve been charged with bringing God’s kingdom to earth – that’s pretty weighty and scary and awesome and humbling. It’s a new day – “There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or fre, there is no longer male and female; for all of you are one in Christ Jesus.” (Galations 3:28) No more do we have to bow down to classism or sexism or racism or whatever else. No more do we have to just assume things are going to go on being and doing as they always have. No more do we have to wait for someone else to stand up and make a difference. It’s a new day for each of us. It’s a new time for each of us. It’s a new opportunity for each of us to really know each other and meet needs and get connected and become community.
Shane Claiborne’s article about inter-dependence day said it much better then I could so here’s a link http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shane-claiborne/this-july-4th-lets-celebr_b_633710.html. In thinking about college campuses and what gets someone through the door of a campus ministry – what gets folks to seek community – what makes that connection – I can’t help but look towards the fall semester. I know that having that community around you is vital in college life. Having fellow journeyers with you is essential and I can’t fathom not having that support. But how in a world where everyone feels connected (hello facebook, twitter, myspace, whatever the latest trend is) do you actually show the importance of real relationships and the vital news that we as a community, as a body of believers can make real change in the world?
I love Michael Buble’s song because of it’s implications for our Christian walk, but I also love it for this coming school year because we’re doing some things a little bit different at Winthrop Wesley. Change is scary people. Let me tell you. I love how we’ve done things. I love the students that have been here and are here. A campus minister friend of mine shared an image that a campus minister shared with him about what campus ministry is like. It’s like building sand castles in the sand. As soon as you have a really good looking castle, the waves come and wash it away. There are pros and cons with that – our “congregation” changes roughly every 4 years and even with students you’ll get the “but we’ve never done it that way before even if it’s been 2 years instead of 30.” This past year we had a large group of seniors graduate and with some changes to Winthrop’s schedule and with the opening of the new Student Center, the Student Leadership Team and I thought this might be time to make a change.
So we are. We’re going to mix up our meeting times, we (meaning the lovely Jonathan and Marissa) have painted some of our space, we’re going to do small groups differently and who knows what else differently. Can’t wait for God to show us how this is going to look because it’s a scary thing stepping out and not doing the same thing that you’ve always done. The familiar and the natural rhythm can’t be underestimated, but when you know it’s time, you know it’s time.
The main thing we’re doing differently this year is that we’re going to have a mission focus. We will continue all of our work with social justice in terms of Hunger and Homeless Awareness Week, CROP Walk, and the Potato Drop…it wouldn’t be Wesley if we didn’t have that as our backbone. But we’re going to spend this year with a focus on Human Trafficking. I’ve been hearing about this for a couple years now and it is something that has captured my heart. There is so much information out there and so many different organizations and books and people lifting up this issue it’s unbelievable if you start digging around and yet we’re not hearing about this from the media. It’s not something commonly talked about. That is frustrating. So this year we’re going to learn about human trafficking and then we’re going to do something to help combat the problem any way we can. This means inviting speakers in. This means reading books and educating ourselves. This means we’re going to New York City over Fall Break to the Church Center Building and are going to do a United Methodist Seminar with the amazing folks that coordinate the Seminar Program there.
A song and story that has captured our vision for this is from the band Bluetree and the song is “God of this City.” If you watch no video I ever post on this thing, watch this one. Seriously. It is powerful and he can say it a lot better than I can write it. It is powerful coming out of the mouths of these Irish folk asking each of us – what are we doing to combat these things (hunger, homelessness, child soldiers, human trafficking) in our world? If this is a new day, what are we doing to show a hurting world the God that loves them and is very much alive?
You’re God of this city, you’re the King of these people, you’re the Lord of this nation, you are…
You’re the Light in this darkness, you’re the Hope to the hopeless, you’re the Peace to the restless, you are…
For there is none like our God, there is none like You, God!
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city!
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done here.
You’re the Lord of creation, The creator of all things you’re the King above all kings, you are…
You’re the Strength in the weakness, You are Love to the broken, You’re the Joy in the sadness, you are…
For there is none like our God, there is none like you, God!
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city!
Where glory shines from hearts alive with praise for You and love for You in this city.
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city!
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done here.
For there is none like our God, there is none like you, God!
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city!
Where glory shines from hearts alive with praise for You and love for You in this city.
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city!
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done here.
Fear is a powerful thing. My greatest fear growing up was that something would happen to my family and that I would be all alone. I still have that fear now. If someone is not in the right place at the right time, it’s in the back of my head. Maybe that makes me crazy or hypervigilant or just weird. A very definite possiblity.
When I was doing CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) at Scottish Rite Children’s Hospital in Atlanta I learned a great deal about loss and death and everything in between. People always want some sort of reason…some sort of answer…something they can cling to and trust and know. In the 17 on call nights that we had, there was only 1 that I didn’t have sort of call and this happened to be the Friday night that I was frantically working on my probationary member Board of Ordained ministry papers finishing up at the last second as normal in my world of procrastination. I think everyone was praying for no calls that night and I was able to email the papers to Mike, he printed them out back at our home in Decatur and then mailed them in fed ex right before midnight. Craziness.
Anyway, to say the least, CPE was a life-changing experience for me. I maybe crazily got a lot out of it and learned a ton about myself. Dealing with tragedy in the lives of children was tough as heck and has made me a somewhat paranoid parent in being overly cautious with hotdogs, the pool, second story windows, monkey bars and all sorts of random things. On my second to last on call I performed my first baptism on a few weeks old dying baby. I had never done a baptism before and didn’t even really know what to do, but it ended up being one of the most special experiences I have shared with anyone as this life returned back to God. In the midst of this I got word that a 6 month old was in the ER from a car accident downstairs. I stopped in on my way out and checked on the child who they said had substantial brain injuries. There wasn’t any family there and so I eventually left to then be called back late that evening.
I found out on the way that the police had just located the child’s mother who had been working at Ryan’s making some extra money for Christmas. The child had been with her 3 year old brother and husband who both had died at the scene of the accident. I was waiting at the hospital when the family – mother, grandmother, grandfather, uncle arrived. I’ll never forget that night. Their child had been moved to the PICU and the doctors were pretty sure she was brain dead.
I don’t even have words to describe that night. I do remember us going to the chapel of the hospital right before the final evaluation at 7 am the next morning and I remember that mother screaming at God in that chapel. With all of the anger and grief and sheer despair that all of us felt and much, much more. I had at that point seen a lot of children be declared braid dead and I had accepted it and grieved with the family and been whatever support I could be, but not until that day did I scream at God too. As the mother of this child said “Come on, you’re God. You can do anything. I don’t care what they say. You can work miracles. You can make this happen.” I felt myself thinking the same things right along with her. You are the Great God of the Universe – You can make this happen. You can do this.
There are so many stories that run through my mind of miraculous and amazing things that have happened that we rejoice and are unfathomably thankful for, but then there are also many where we feel sucker punched and reeling. I know that life is supposed to be more normal now. The tumor board recommended the same wait and see and we’ll check back in 3 months with the MRI and see how much what’s left has grown, etc. I am super thankful that this is not worse. Really. But it took until today for me to figure out why I haven’t been able to totally bounce back. Oh I’m bouncing. Thanks to y’all’s prayers. But there are times when I’m tired and sad and it’s hard to keep bouncing. I figured it out today. It’s that fear thing again. But for me it’s the reverse. When I witnessed that family’s heartbreak, I saw one of my fears realized (boy was that fodder for CPE discussions). I hadn’t been able to entirely put my finger on what was getting to me until today. Not that this wouldn’t happen without a total fight and all the strength and grit that I have, but it is terrifying to think of ever leaving Mike and my kids. For my kids not to know who I am or how I love them. For them not to feel that to the essence of their bones.
I know this is not a feel good blog post. I haven’t posted in a lot of days and it’s not because they’ve been bad days, they’ve been good. But part of the reason that I’m writing these – actually one of the main reasons – is to process this for me. Read it, don’t read it – it’s not hurting my feelings. For me I think naming my fear, naming the imaginable loss I would feel leaving Mike and my kids, even if there’s no way in the world that would happen and the prognosis is great and I should be happy – just naming it makes a difference to me. Saying the words outloud and acknowledging the big and small shifts that this has made in my life is important in moving forward. Gosh, it sometimes sucks to practice what you preach.
What clicked today is that even in the most dreadful things, I know that God is still present. God is still with us. God is still cradling us. Whether this is in the crazy topsy turvy days or the floating in between times. I’m not going to let fear rule my life. And I certainly don’t want it to rule the next 3 months. It’s hard to live that abundant life Jesus talks about when fear takes root in your heart. So my hope is that we get them out there. That we say them outloud. That we can let not just the nice happy parts of our souls shine through but that we can be honest in our questions our concerns our frustrations. I keep thinking of Star Wars and Twilight references here, but I’m going to abstain from my typical music/movie references even though I love them. It’s amazing how acknowledging our fears and letting the light shine on them can change our perspective and help keep us moving forward. Hope y’all didn’t mind me acknowledging mine.
Blessings on the Journey 