I’m sorry I’ve been slack in my blogging duties. Things have been busy! We still haven’t heard from the pathology report yet so no news there, but I have had a great couple days with Enoch and Evy! We went to the pool and played and I slept in my own bed and woke up with the kids and we played some more so that was wonderful! It was good to open mail, pay some bills, and do regular stuff around the house and get to see the kiddos. It amazes me how quickly they grow and change.
A friend of mine posted earlier on facebook that she’s preaching about healing tomorrow and I was catching up reading Advocates and I noticed an article that talked about the healing service in the UM Book of Worship being a meaningful service for a lot of folks and one of our churches providing these services once a month for people. I’ve been thinking about it all day. Healing.
Tonight Mike and I went to see Iron Man II and even in that there was the need for healing. Sure Mr. Stark is a smart mouth (and there were a lot of funny parts in there), but the a-ha moment of the movie is him seeing a video of his inventor/genius dad telling him that he was his greatest invention, blah, blah, blah…and then him figuring out the puzzle of how to beat the bad guys, etc. He needed to hear that he mattered to his dad and that he loved him. Just like Tony Stark, we each have past “stuff” that needs healing. We each carry baggage around with us – some of us have painted smiley faces on it or it’s the LV designer line or there are a gazillion different pieces of all shapes and sizes with pink tags stuck to them. Whatever they look like – they’re our junk that goes with us. For some of us it’s the Tony Stark need to feel validated or loved or okay or good enough or like we make the cut. For some of us it’s letting go of hurt or anger or grief or frustration or just drama. For some of us it’s the self-sabotage and nagging that we do to ourselves. For some of us it’s pride and self-centeredness. (maybe that’s just those of us that are self-interested enough to write blogs.) For some of us that’s not feeling at home in who we are or who we’ve been created to be or wanting what someone else has. For some of us that’s knowing that it’s okay for everyone not to like us at all times of every day and that’s perfectly fine too.
It’s such a delicate balance that whole letting go and letting God thing that we do because our baggage in a lot of ways is what makes us – us. In survival mode we tend to hold even tighter to the things that are familiar even if they are the ones that have harmed us because it’s what we know. I’ve never been the hugest of Oprah fans. I watch. Hello – at 4 pm in the afternoon what do you watch if not that and don’t tell me ESPN. But since she got into this whole new age kick and has been talking like she’s this all knowing being, I haven’t really jived with her as well as before. Anyway, in thinking about this whole healing thing and our baggage, I start thinking in some ways like this new age person – the whole surround yourself and draw to yourself all the good in the universe and release all the bad. You know the whole clear yourself of the toxins thing.
And I do believe it. I plan on getting a lovely massage, body scrub, fascial extravaganza at Belue Day Spa next week because I want to scrub away any sign of the hospital and cleanse my body and soul from this whole thing. I do believe that we’ve got to release all of the cruddy yuckiness whether that be someone that gets on our last nerves or someone that has really hurt our feelings or someone who has told us we’re not good enough or smart enough or whatever enough or people that have generally made our lives little pits of you know where. Holding on to any of that awfulness is not of God and it is not healthy. Those are the toxins. If only we could drink enough glasses of water to really cleanse ourselves of all of these deep and abiding hurts so that we can really experience healing. We somehow remember the most meaningless of little things if it is hurtful to us. That thing in the 8th grade that someone told us that really hurt our feelings should have no bearing on the life that we have now and yet somehow, those wounds are still there and often it’s the times of fear that bring them back.
I have fibromyalgia. No, I am not a Lyrica commercial. Yes, the Lyrica commercials actually get on my nerves. Yes, I guess they help people know what it is, but who knows? I know that on the tv show House, the lovely Gregory said that fibromyalgia doesn’t exist. I also know that the neurologist I saw a week and a half ago didn’t believe in it either and just said it was a form of depression. Wow. Not even touching that one with a 10 foot pole except that we’re going to a different neurologist. And know it has no relation to the brain tumor and no treatment of the tumor will not help it. (I say these things because these are some of the questions we’ve asked too!) I’m not telling you that I have fibromyalgia for any other reason than to say I know that there are many people that seek and search for healing. I’m a part of a small clergywomen’s group – there’s maybe 7 of us total – and more than half of us have fibromyalgia. That’s crazy. Or maybe we’re just masichistic people. All of us are in different stages of this journey and have found different ways to love and enjoy life but I know that all of us struggle with serving this creator God of love and seeking urgently to be healed.
The summer I moved back to Rock Hill was especially hard for me because I loved Atlanta and Emory and my home there. It was a hot summer, Mike was traveling back and forth to Atlanta and the Winthrop students hadn’t arrived yet and I was feeling out of my element. In the midst of the fibro and just feeling all out lowsy sometimes my mom gave me this verse written on this little card with a chick (you know the baby chicken not the other kind) on the front. She told me I needed to claim it. Jeremiah 17:14 “Heal me, O Lord and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the One I praise.” It rocked it out in my pocketbook for a while and then got a little faded so has made its way into my wallet. There have been plenty of times when I have felt cruddy. Hello stitches on my head. There have been plenty of times when I know that there has got to be someone more suited for this or better equipped or in better shape or more eloquent or smarter or more organized or more extroverted or charismatic or a better fundraiser, but you just can’t argue with something as simple as “Heal me, O Lord and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the One I praise.”
Some of you may say well that’s stupid blind faith. Nope. Not a bit. It to me is saying that it’s not just about this. It’s not just about our present baggage whether that’s physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, whatever. It’s about the larger picture – the larger story of our life – “Heal me, O Lord and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the One I praise.” I don’t imagine Tony Stark saying that. Bahahahaha…. But I do invite us (me) to remember that and to say those words and trust those words not just with the big things like brain tumors, but with the little things in between. We had a girl’s night this past week and saw Letters to Juliet. (I know you’re thinking – is this girl ever at home resting – don’t worry – I am.) It was a predictable but really great movie. I loved watching Vanessa Redgrave and the thing that stuck out to me was when they’re pulling up at this really nice house and the guy (her grandson) says something along the lines of wow Gran what if we could end up living here. You meet the love of your life at 16, skip the messy bits and then go straight to living in the mansion in your old age. What I liked was what she said in return. “LIFE is the messy bits.” Life is the messy bits. Yes, the messy bits are what make us who we are. The messy bits are what makes the tapestry of our lives. The messy bits have been woven together to make the amazing mosaics of color and light that shine forth through us. God knows all of our messy bits. Those things that nobody knows. Those things that only a very few select people know. Those mortifying things that whole gaggles of folks know but we’re still not saying them outloud. Our messy bits are all out there. I hope that we have the courage to let the light of God break in on those. That the healing good energy (okay Oprah) can surge through. That the prayers of cleansing and powerful might of refinishing that is even beyond that of a good spa day – may open our minds, bodies, and souls up to healing beyond our imagination.
Whatever those words that we need to hear. Whatever the feelings and memories and people that we need to let go. Whatever the beautiful and cleansing energy we need to grasp hold of. May we feel refreshed. May we feel renewed. May we feel at home with the One who heals us and knows us intimately.