I haven’t blogged in ages. It’s not that I haven’t thought about blogs or haven’t wanted to, I just haven’t. I think it’s the same thing that I feel about resolutions and reading the Upper Room email devotional in the morning – things that I want to do and crave to do and would feel better after doing, but for some reason I let the other more pressing things get in the way.
There are all sorts of things that demand our attention and it often feels like the things that would re-charge us or center us whether that be writing or reading or taking a walk or exercising or what have you – these are the things that we feel like need to take a back burner when we’re busy burning the candle at both ends and trying to keep our head above water.
I’m not good at treading water. To be even more honest, I’m a terrible swimmer. By the time we started taking swimming lessons, I was already in late elementary school and a pretty tall kid. If you can stand up in the 5 ft. deep end, swimming just doesn’t take on the same urgency it might would. The rest of my family can swim and in thinking about this (because I am that weird), I think I could survive for a little while lost at sea. I’m pretty good at floating on my back or doing like a frog stroke of some sort. If I’m treading water – I’ve got maybe 3 minutes, and I think even then, I’m being pretty generous.
Am I terrible at swimming, because I’ve seen no use for it yet? I just never got into it? I don’t feel a sense of urgency to do it?
Am I terrible at self care because I see no urgency in it? Because it’s not something to mark off the to do list?
Maybe if I added things like: Take a walk, write a poem (for fun not for serious), read a book in silence without interruption (yeah right), turn the music up and blast it, learn the dance to Thriller (finally), write down three things that you’re thankful for each day…maybe if I added some of these things to the to do list, they would actually happen and not just sound good in my head or me wistfully saying them out loud as a cop out.
What should you add to your to do list? What do you need to make time for? As a parent, as a teacher, as a preacher, as a student, as a leader, as a learner, as a philosopher, as a pragmatist, as a advocate, as a dreamer – what does your soul need today?
I’m listening to a little Coldplay “Every Teardrop is a Waterfall.” I don’t want “Monday morning to feel another life,” but like the authentic, passionate, continuation of following where God leads – the challenging, the joys, the wake up calls, the turning points, the ah ha moments, all apart of the waterfall that is our lives. We keep going with the strength of God. We keep grooving in the Spirit of God. We continue sharing love and grace in the joy of Jesus. And we re-charge, re-energize, re-new, re-store, re-fresh in the midst – taking the time to let the movement of Spirit work inside and out.
This morning Enoch slept late. On Mondays and Wednesdays he has speech at 8 am before going to preschool at 9 am so I let him sleep in until about 8:20 today before waking him up to get ready for preschool at 9. It always cracks me up to wake him up because for the most part, as soon as I open the door he’s bouncing out of bed ready to go. Now this is only when he’s slept late. If you’ve actually tried to get him up early, he’s like a walking zombie. But if you’ve let him sleep a little later and get that little bit of extra time to snuggle and stretch and enjoy life under the covers, he’s pretty ready to head out into the day.
There are few days these days that I have that extra time to sleep or snuggle into the covers mostly because Evy enjoys climbing onto the bed and jumping, snuggling, talking and pulling my eyelids up to have time to snuggle with me before it’s time to get going. 98% of the time I LOVE this and I wouldn’t trade a minute. There are 2% of times though where they’ve somehow gotten a flashlight and are shining that in my eyes to wake me up and I just am panicked and jolted out of sleep. On those days I don’t really start the day out fresh or ready to go, it feels like I’m just trying to survive to opening my eyes, getting some caffeine, getting kids dressed, and trying as much as I can to savor moments in between. Oh the life of working Mommy. Or any Mommy for that matter.
One of the verses from this morning’s Upper Room was one of my all time favorites, Matthew 11:28, “Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Maybe it says a great deal about my life and real priorities that this is a favorite. It definitely speaks to my tired self and mostly crazy hectic silly life. Although this verse speaks to me about the source of our Living Water, the one who nourishes us and provides us rest, I also think it sometimes give me a slight, tiny, little excuse to have a stressful schedule and not take very good care of myself because I have very strong faith in the God who is all sufficient. God is all sufficient and there for us in the ups and downs but that doesn’t mean we take advantage and get so caught up in the ho hum of doing life that we miss all of the joys and fun and amazingness along the way!
If I actually took time to be with God and dwell with God and got some sleep and didn’t schedule things like crazy and didn’t try to juggle all the balls in the air, I might find that my busyness is more about me and wanting to feel needed or wanting to measure up and other prideful and self-doubting things.
This morning on my lovely Pandora station, needtobreathe’s “Slumber” came on and boy I needed that. Maybe it doesn’t make any sense, but I think that sometimes the hectic routines of life seem much more like a “slumber” than actually grasping hold of life in real and transformative ways. I don’t want to be in the drone of routine and slumber, I want to experience and be open to change and to even be open to correction and accountability. I don’t want every Sunday or Monday or Thursday to look exactly the same or to be going through the motions of preaching, teaching, listening or being Mommy. I know that we do that. I know that it’s probably a magnificent coping mechanism and one that is super important when juggling, but are we going to be so zoned out that we realize we’re 6 weeks into the semester and we haven’t found our rhythm yet between work, church, family and anything in between?
It’s a challenge. Time to wake up? Or keep slumbering? Depending on God not just to provide but to also inspire, correct, and commit? Saying things out loud in sermons and studies or really putting them into practice for myself? Who does Christ call us to BE in this world, not just DO, not just pretend, not just negotiate, not just rationalize?
“Wake on up from your slumber, Come on open up your eyes”
Days they force you
Back under those covers
Lazy mornings they multiply
But glory’s waiting
Outside your window
So wake on up from your slumber
And open up your eyes
Tongues are violent
Personal and focused
Tough to beat with
Your steady mind
But hearts are stronger after broken
So wake on up from your slumber
And open up your eyes
All these victims
Stand in line for
The crumbs that fall from the table
Just enough to get by
All the while
Your invitation
Wake on up from your slumber
Come on open up your eyes
Take from vandals
All you want now
But please don’t trade it in for life
Replace the feeble
With the fable
Wake on up from your slumber
And open up your eyes
All these victims
Stand in line for
The crumbs that fall from the table
Just enough to get by
All the while
Your invitation
Wake on up from your slumber
Come on open up your eyes
Sing like we used to
Dance when you want to
Taste of the breakthrough
And open wide
All these victims
Stand in line for
The crumbs that fall from the table
Just enough to get by
All the while
Your invitation
Wake on up from your slumber
Come on open up your eyes
Sing like we used to
And dance like you want to
Open up your eyes
Since Monday I’ve been having some back pain. When you have fibromyalgia and you have two toddlers that you may or may not pick up all the time, it’s not all that surprising to have some aches and pain. Generally I would just think no big deal but, I couldn’t sleep last night and ended up having a fitful night of sleep on my back. I never, ever sleep on my back. Yep, I feel like I’m whining now, and on Ash Wednesday no less.
I’m preaching the Ash Wednesday sermon tonight at a local church and the students are tagging along with me. One of our students is hearing impaired and she and her amazing interpreter, one of our other students are both coming tonight. Erica (the interpreter) was excited about going until I told her I was preaching. Just kidding…a bit. She knows that I talk fast and my hands are always moving and trying to interpret with my randomness is an exercise in and of itself. She asked if I could give her some notes about what I’m preaching on. That’s fair, right?
But all I can think about is this dull and sometimes sharp ache in my back. It is driving me crazy today. To dust we will become, heck – we’re already beginning to fall apart and feel like that dust sometimes. As much as this distracts me from work, having a coherent conversation with someone, actually being pastoral or even listening at all at this point, I think about all those that deal every day with a dull or sharp pain. This pain is not always physical, but often emotional, spiritual, psychological, really real. We each carry around past hurts or wounds. We each have moments of uncertainty, fear, and doubt in the midst of painful situations or the reminders of those painful situations.
I get that. I think that’s a great focus this season to let go of some of those voices, some of that negativity. I love that intentionality and purpose of reminding oneself repeatedly that there is someone greater that you belong to, respond to, and answer to – not just some voice inside your head.
If this Ash Wednesday brings a day that marks the beginning of a season of repentance and spiritual renewal, then we have to ask ourselves the hard questions. I love some of the ones that Rachel Held Evans lifts up in her blog, http://rachelheldevans.com/40-ideas-for-lent-2011. What do we need to repent from? What consistently stands in our way to feel the freedom of Christ? What voices or people or hurts or situations have held us back from that abundant life? What are those fears and doubts that we can let go and repentant of during this season? How can we move closer and closer to that freedom, even if it means making hard choices and decisions?
And then drawing towards that spiritual renewal, how can we be more intentional in our drawing closer to God? Does that mean giving up facebook, or does that mean we’re intentional and Christ-centered when we post, comment or spend time on facebook? Just like this blog (http://penelopepiscopal.blogspot.com/2011/03/are-you-christian-giving-up-social.html) writes, I’d hate for Christians to stop shining their lights during a season when the world needs to hear and know the power of repentance and also resurrection.
Don't go with the tag line, but how many of us go through life distracted by the next shiny object in front of us? Or are we grounded and focused in the midst. (Not trying to take out all spontaneity but you get the point.)
In a recent column in Entertainment Weekly, Mark Harris writes a piece called “Taking Multitasking to Task.” I loved it. It really spoke to me in profound ways about how we’re living this world in which doing everything is expected and when you don’t it’s frowned upon. For some of us, instead of diving into the hard stuff, the more difficult, the more challenging, we’ll keep consuming a lot of the easier or more fluff things, just so that we can do a gazillion things at once and say that we’re connected and on top of things. For some of us, trying to be all places for all people is easier when we skim the surface and don’t take time to listen, reflect, discern and really meet with people or God. Maybe y’all don’t relate to that. He closes his piece with, “I have friends who’ve recently taken their own steps toward reclaiming control–one is trying internet-free Sundays; another has sworn off texting while in the presence of actual human beings. So, in that spirit, this year I plan to hold to the principle that half of my focus is always the wrong amount–that someitmes the TV can go off, or the laptop can be put away, or Google can wait. I’m going to try to undivide my attention, and see if my entertainment choices (and my thoughts about them) get any sharper as a result. It couldn’t hurt. Well, that’s a lie. The scary thing is, it hurts already.” He’s talking about entertainment, but there’s a part of Lent in there for me.
What do we give our full attention? A more pertinent question to me probably – do I ever give anything my full attention? Are we running through our to do lists for the day when we do our morning devotion or are our minds in ten different places as we’re working on our sermons or our small groups or our Sunday school classes? What gets our full attention?
When I look at how these 40 days are supposed to be a time of Spiritual Renewal, I have to ask myself honestly where my attention and focus will be and how I’m going to invite the Spirit to lead me and guide me in the disciplines or the actions that will be undertaken. If I’m doing it, just to have an answer when someone asks me what I’m giving up or adding for Lent, then that’s rubbish.
There’s something that he said at the end of the article. He says, “The scary thing is, it hurts already.” I’m not saying we beat ourselves up for Lent and what we give up or add shouldn’t be a contest for who is the most devout Christian (although I do wonder how many viewers that tv show would get week to week.) We need to discern where we are. We need to focus our attention on the Word of God and see what will help draw us towards repentance and renewal and go with it – with the grace, mercy, leading and strength of One who knows us far better than we even know ourselves.
Two things I’ll leave you with. There some of my favorite things to use during Lent. The first is from Jan Richardson’s In Wisdom’s Path. She says, “The season begins with ashes and invites us into a time of stripping away all that distracts us from recognizing the God who dwells at our core. Reminding us that we are ashes and dust, God beckons us during Lent to consider what is elemental and essential in our lives. As a season of preparation for the mysteries of death and resurrection, it is a stark season.” Hopefully it’s not just a stark season – something different than normal – but a rich season.
Roberta Porter is one of my most favorite writers for Alive Now, she writes in her prayer,
Broken Open
Culture’s message is immediate
fulfillment, gratification.
But when I hungrily seek control
in my power, with my plans,
I am full, brimming over
with empty calories,
and strangely unfulfilled.
I pray to be broken open – unafraid
of change – and pour out pride.
My Spirit fast teaches me
as I am willing to yield,
more space for grace appears,
and more of Christ,
Bread of Life,
is revealed.
When the ashes are put upon our heads either this morning, midday, tonight, may we remember that we are dust and to dust we will become again and may we take the days and months and years ahead to focus and retreat to the One who goes before us, beside us, and sometimes even pushing us to grasp hold of this thing called abundant life.
One last one, because I love this one too. Also from Alive Now the March/April 2001 edition…
Quiet Day Retreat
To be quiet, both without and within —
to welcome silence and space
and unbroken meditation.
I have not given up food
— the typical fast —
but I’ve emptied my mind
for an hour, or a day.
I’ve overturned it like a bowl,
forbidding entry of my plans, my chores.
Then come thoughts and reflections,
then come inspiration
and then I can return refreshed
to the frantic daily world.
What sort of fast is this?
A fast from calendars, schedules, from self-important busyness.
I’ve really enjoyed the lectionary texts from the past couple weeks that have focused on light. I’ve always liked Epiphany but even more so this year for some reason. I appreciate that Epiphany is not just one Sunday that we celebrate those lovely wise folks coming to see the new born King, but that it’s an entire season stretching until the day before Ash Wednesday where we’re all opening our eyes to God around us. To me that’s pretty significant in our church calendar that this time between the birth of Jesus – the incarnation – and Lent is a time where we a people of the light get a chance to center and focus on that light, opening ourselves to it.
I admit that I’m now watching ABC’s “Off the Map.” If that makes me a drama and Grey’s Anatomy lovin’ television watcher than so be it. I like the concept that these three doctors have come to this jungle to get away from whatever they have left back home and yet they seem to face these same fears and concerns no matter how far they have run. In the first episode the three newbies gather and realize that the doctors that hired them had done their homework on each of their back stories. The guy of the group says, “So much for a blank slate!”
I think sometimes we feel like that. “So much for a blank slate!” We wish that everything would just go away and be wiped clean. The thing is though that community and church is not just about slates being wiped clean although it does say Jesus scatters our sins from the east to the west. But there’s something about people loving each other in spite of the flaws and the crud. There’s something about folks sharing in that refuge and safe place and being that harbor for each other whether it’s in the good, the bad, or the ugly.
Sometimes that being there for one another is letting go of a past wound or hurt. Sometimes it’s acknowledging and saying outloud a secret that has kept us bound and stuck, whether it be our own, a family secret, or a burden we just kept on carrying. Sometimes it’s admitting that we may not have it all figured out and we really struggle in some areas. Sometimes it’s confessing something and seeking reconciliation. Sometimes it’s just being open to where the Spirit of God leads.
It amazes me that at the times we are the most down or low or hopeless/helpless/spent – these are the times that often the light starts to break into those cloudy days. There’s just something about that light that no matter how dark it may get – it breaks in. We watched the movie TRON last night. I know, I know – not the most high brow or Oscar worthy – but it was really surprisingly good and we didn’t want anything that would make us think to much at the end of a long Sunday. I never saw the original but I really liked this one. Part of the beauty of the story is that one of the characters had never really seen the sun. She had no idea what that would look like. She had read about it in books, true, but if you think about it – if you had no concept of what the sun is – how do you describe it? The warmth, the light, that it’s practically everywhere, that it moves and shifts and changes.
There’s something unexplainable about the light but there’s something incredibly powerful. In these days after the shooting in Tuscon, as we think about what it means to be community and shelter for one another as the Jars of Clay song talks about that I’ve mentioned before, I think about all of us holding candles together as one. All of us lifting those candles as one. That’s a powerful sight. That it’s our collective voice, our collective being – lighting up as one. Not “Lord in your mercy, hear my prayers” but “Lord in your mercy, hear our prayers.” That we as community as a fellowship of believers lift each other up, we rejoice with each other, we mourn with each other, we keep telling each other to press on.
In that same episode from “Off the Map” (I know, I know) the main doctor says at the end to one of the new girls who’s figuring out why’s she there to look at the Southern Cross. They’re a set of stars that look like a cross in the sky (yes, I wikipedia-ed it so it’s sort of legit). He talks about how Magellan used the Southern Cross. He knew that even if he was lost, he knew that if he found that in the sky, he would make his way back home. All he had to do was keep on going. So he tells her, “Keep on going.”
Now I know that there are times when we don’t want to “Keep on going.” There are times when we think we can’t keep on going, much less want to. But there are people and songs and scriptures and even those sometimes annoying bumper stickers that are lights that pop out along our way that help light our path to keep on going. There is a shelter of people that help us to keep on going. And that’s not just with a slate wiped clean, because you can’t escape and dodge forever, but that’s with all of who we are and are yet to be.
So are we those lights for others? Are we ready to welcome people? Are we ready to open our arms and our hearts and our eyes? Are we as the Church/church ready to offer a refuge, a harbor, a light to those in a world raging? Or do we just look like a big blob of dark with all of our “stuff” that sometimes gets in the way?
One of my favorite songs off of the new Jars of Clay “Shelter” CD (i know i can’t stop listening to it) is one called “Small Rebellions.” Sadly there are no youtube videos that I can find out there yet. But the words are below.
“God of the break and shatter – Hearts in every form still matter – In our weakness help us see – That alone we’ll never be – Lifting any burdens off our shoulders – If our days could be filled with small rebellions – senseless brutal acts of kindness from us all – if we stand in between the fear and firm doundation – push against the current and the fall – God of the worn and tattered – All of your people matter – Give us more than words to speak – ‘Cause we are hearts and arms that reach – And Love climbs up and down the human ladder – Give us days to be filled with small rebellions – Senseless brutal acts of kindness from us all – If we stand between the fear and firm foundation – Push against the current and the fall – We will never walk alone again – No, we will never walk alone.”
I’m glad that we don’t walk alone. That there are lights along our way guiding us home and that we can be lights to the world. Open our eyes Lord that we may see the ways that we can grasp hold of your light today that the world may see and know…
So this is the part 2 that I never got around to writing last week. When I was in grad school at Emory – yay Candler! – I often saw the same nurse practioner when I would go to Student Health Services. She was great. Can’t say enough good things! One of the first things she said to me though has stuck in my mind since then. She made the comment that we theology students were her worst patients. She said that we were a masochistic bunch and would rather suffer and be sick than be well.
As much as at the time I thought it was pretty rude, obnoxious and completely untrue, the more I got to know her and the more I looked around me – there’s a lot of truth there. We can say we’re too busy to go to the doctor or that there’s so much more “ministry” to do, that this isn’t just a job, etc. but the reality is we’re most of the time pretty cruddy examples to our people/students of good patterns of self-care and tending to that whole body as the temple of God thing.
Now I was going to write this last week after my part 1, but then Tuesday I went to the doctor and was told I had a sinus infection and then I was still feeling cruddy on Friday so I went back to the doctor. This time he said I have mono. So yes, you are reading a very hypocritical voice now. I completely and utterly admit it.
The sad thing is that when I went to the waiting room to get bloodwork, lo and behold but here was another campus minister from Winthrop who was sick too. We both went through the usual excuses of we should have been taking better care of ourselves, eaten better, slept more, taken a day off, etc. but knowing her and knowing me – I don’t think we were all that convincing.
A couple weeks ago I had a conversation with another campus minister colleague about days off. We pretty much admitted that we mean to and we try to but it’s hard to actually fit it in with everything that pops up or should I say shows up at your office door, with student ministry. Even now I feel like I’m giving excuses. Which I probably am.
So why am I saying all this? We – ministry professionals, counseling folks, people in these lovely people professions – we’ve got to take care of ourselves. I know it’s hard with the neverending to do lists or demands on time, but if we have one foot in the grave all the time, that doesn’t do anyone any good either.
The suggested Bible reading for the Upper Room this morning was 2 Corinthians 4:8-12, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be made visible in our bodies. For while we live, we are always being given up to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus may be made visible in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.” I read that and I think you see even if I feel like crap right now, Jesus is still within me shining on and I’m all good.
And part of that is sort of true – if Jesus could have preached for me yesterday because I was exhausted. However, we can’t look at verses like these and think that we’re these invincible people. The Holy Spirit works with a lot of “used up” folks – very true – but sometimes we’ve got to take care of ourselves and make ourselves lay down in green pastures and still waters and restore our souls.
So – yes, I am going to work on the Wesley checkbook (fun…not) and begin our next newsletter, but then I’m going home to spend the afternoon with the kids. Not necessarily what I would call restful, but hopefully still restorative. We’ve got to grab hold of the little snippets of peace and relaxation as much as we can. The students and I talked about this on Wednesday night and they amazed me at how busy and stressed they are. We asked how do you relax and some said things like – take a shower, go to sleep, take a walk – really basic things. Part of me thought – your time for yourself is just those 10 minutes in the shower??? But then again, I’m glad they’re taking it when and where they can.
May today we find moments of peace, replenishment, restoration, and rest in the midst. May we listen to our own advice – oh yeah, we need to rest and have quiet time with God, too – and hold true to the Spirit at work within us. May we not be pulled in a million directions but may we center upon the One who created us and is journeying with us in all the twists and turns.
Matthew 11:28-30 – “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
How do you get Sabbath rest? What restores your soul? What helps settle into your bones and gives you perfect peace?
I haven’t blogged in ages. It’s not that I haven’t thought about blogs or haven’t wanted to, I just haven’t. I think it’s the same thing that I feel about resolutions and reading the Upper Room email devotional in the morning – things that I want to do and crave to do and would feel better after doing, but for some reason I let the other more pressing things get in the way. 
Blessings on the Journey 