The only way my camera took a decent picture was in the shadow...
We have some daffodils that appear about this time every year. Some might think they actually look kind of pitiful. They’re the only flowers that we have planted anywhere on the Wesley or Wesley House property and trust me when I say that we don’t do anything “special” for them to appear every year. The first year I was here, I noticed them and thought what a blessing they were that spring. Nice, bright and yellow flowers that suddenly just appeared. Now after watching them bloom for five years, watching them just appear out of nowhere in our bare flower beds, I am so thankful to see them. It amazes me that we haven’t had to do any work to keep them or make them bloom. We just get to enjoy them!
It reminds me very much of the text this past Sunday from Matthew talking about the flowers that neither spin nor toil and the birds of the air and how if God can clothe them so beautifully, how much more can God take care of each of us. (Matthew 6:24-34) Never more than seeing those daffodils today have I felt the glory and peace in that text. No amount of miracle grow or extra water made these daffodils so beautiful – they just are. So even in the midst of the most trying or worrisome of times, may we enjoy and bask in the sunlight of the One who created us and who brings us new life every day. May we trust that we will be provided for and that we just need to trust, hold on, and enjoy exactly where we are!
What are some things that we worry about?
Do you ever go about your day and suddenly you’re in a worried or stressed mood and you’re like – what happened? What changed? Often I find that if I look back to what started this “worry cycle,” it was something that pricked my own fear or discouragement. By figuring out what started it and giving that to God, it’s easier to move on and not let the things that we can’t control or the things that seek to hurt us, have any power in our lives.
We look to the birds, even the crazy seagulls, geese, and ducks at Winthrop lake, and we know that God provides. I look to these daffodils that miraculously appear offering the promise of Spring and that extra burst of joy even in the midst.
What are some of the beautiful things in your life that God has blessed you with? What happens when we worry? How can God speak to us in the midst?
So with the beautiful bright sunlight, for some reason this is how my camera took a picture of the daffodils. Wowzers!
It’s that time in the semester when the students are getting really stressed out. Have you ever wondered why they phrase is stressed “out” and not stressed “in”? Yes if the stress starts leaking everywhere, it’s eventually going to come out, but there’s so much inward affect that stress has on us. Facing challenging, difficult, and overwhelming situations from every direction can take a huge toll on a person and as the “prayer” section of Winthrop Wesley’s prayers and praises notebook seems to heartily begin to outweigh the praises you know people are starting to feel down and discouraged.
Around this midterm time it can feel like when it rains it pours. It seems that when things begin to get hard, the difficulty sometimes can grow exponentially. A couple weeks ago, we looked at Deuteronomy 30:15-20 and I feel like some of the themes in that text are cropping up all over the place. God clearly lays out two courses – two ways in which life can go and God asks for us to “Choose life.”
Choose life even when things seem out of control or insurmountable. Choose life even when there’s no way things could in a million years work out. Choose life even when by all logic in this world there aren’t easy or clear answers. A pastor colleague of mine who frequently amuses and challenges me with his facebook statuses, posted this earlier today, “I watched some news this evening. I watched FOX, MSNBC and CNN. The message I got? We’re doomed. There is no hope. Pack up your kids and head to the hills. Empty your bank account and hide your money under the mattress. Stock up your shelves. Be afraid, very afraid. And Justin Beiber made the cover of Rolling Stone. Yep, the world is coming to an end!”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or crawl under the bed myself. I admit that I have caught a little “Bieber fever” in that I enjoyed his Glee episode and some of the songs are quite annoyingly catchy, but I’m not watching the movie. That’s neither here nor there. His status was another reminder of very much what the world gives us. We’re doomed. There is no hope. It’s like one of the Charlotte local news networks that Mike and I refuse to watch because the guy always seems so happy when something really awful has happened and he gets to report on it. I know you’ve got to sell the news but do you have to be so gleeful about an awful car accident or shooting or fire?
There’s a lot in our world that says yep, we’re doomed. It actually would be a lot easier to say that in a lot of ways. You don’t really have to work to bring about change and transformation when the world tells you it’s a waste of time. What’s the point?
But is that the way of faith? Is that the way of the cross? Or more significantly – the way of an Easter – resurrection people? Is that the follow up of the verse – “Choose life so that you and our descendants may live, loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and holding fast to him; for that means life to you and length of days, so that you may live in the land that the Lords swore to give your ancestors to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.” It’s not just choose life. It’s not just choose to believe in the bright side, the cup half full, the silver lining. It’s not just reject the negativity that we all know is contagious, the complaining and criticism that does harm and not a bit of good, the spiraling of fear and angst that has no end. It’s choose life that you may live – loving God, obeying God, and holding fast to God even when all may seem lost or today feels about as cruddy as it can get. It very clearly reminds us that Jesus said he came to bring us abundant li
What does the word abundance conjure up for you? Abundance is enough for everyone. It’s more than enough. It’s awesome. It’s bountiful. A bountiful life.
Is it hard to believe this sometimes? Yes. Heck yes. We got word on Friday that Mike’s 2 year old cousin, Lachlan, who was born with some heart defects and has already experienced heart surgeries, now has a brain tumor. The neurosurgeon would like to operate and the family is meeting with the cardiologist this Friday for approval of the surgery. I can’t imagine what Leslie and Cullen are going through in these days as they await these appointments. There aren’t any words or platitudes or anything that can sermonize that or make it go away and be all right.
There’s that choosing though even in the midst. And sometimes we can’t make the choice on our own. Sometimes it takes a community of faith, a family of strength, a body of believers united in hope to help us continue to choose life. There are good days and there are bad. Sometimes it means that we need to cut out some of the negative – whether a toxic situation, person, or past hurt or wound that we haven’t given to God. Sometimes it’s not letting our fears or our worries rob us of the joy of today. We have to make the conscious choice to step away, turn off the news sometime or change the channel of our hearts and life. There are days when I know and feel and rest in the promises of God for the life that each of us is given and there are days when I get on Wikipedia and start the worry spin cycle of why’s and what if’s and let me tell you – that path leads nowhere good, productive, or very positive. That’s where that holding fast to God comes in. Holding fast to that peace that transcends all understanding, holding fast to the hope and strength that only God can give, and holding fast to someone that can give us more comfort and love than anyone else. We will hold fast to the promises of God.
I’m not saying that we all walk around as Pollyanna’s because life is real and it hurts and it really is scary sometimes. The key is going back to the Source of life – to the Creator that knows our hurts and the things that keep us up at night and even the things that we don’t want to say outloud. May we in the coming days and weeks and times of uncertainty or chaos or stressed out to the max, find ways to ground ourselves in the power of the One who ignites, breathes and drenches us in new life and hope each and every day.
How will you choose life today?
Yes this is beyond cheesy in some ways and pretty old, but definitely goes with the text – Big Tent Revival’s “Choose Life”:
I know I haven’t posted much about the tumor lately and to be honest I haven’t wanted to. This is not because I haven’t been thinking about it but the opposite. I think this summer when everything happened, I didn’t really process or take the time to think about everything because it was so fast and then it was the school year and semester and you know how crazy that is. With a little bit of a break over the past couple of weeks, it’s been tough. I have a friend who says she only blogs on the bad days, but for some reason, I don’t. I’m not saying that I haven’t had challenging days and hard days and have not blogged, but when I’m really wrestling with something, I just don’t always want to articulate or “sermonize” it.
After Christmas I did my latest MRI and the next day went and saw the neurosurgeon. He said there was no change, so the little line of tumor on the motor cortex hasn’t grown and for that I’m thankful. He didn’t really say anything new, but for some reason I took it more to heart. I asked him whether I should get off of the seizure medicine or not and he said that was up to the neurologist but he also warned that it is more likely that I will have another symptom whether seizure or otherwise before an MRI would actually pick up a change. Then he said that it’s not a question of if the tumor will come back, but when.
Now, I know that he’s said this before and I know that this type usually recurs but for some reason it hit me worse this time. I think it’s because there’s a huge part of me and a sense from a lot of the people around me that everything’s fine now and back to normal and that I have to lead my life as I’ve always lived it. And I do really want to do that. It’s hard to tell if I should just go about business as usual or if my life really has changed completely.
I am a huge fan of wikipedia. That may be completely against my English teacher self and I know it’s not always right or accurate but if you want something quick and consise – especially when I’m trying to figure out history during the Tudors or looking up actors or actresses – it’s a great site. Did you know that I didn’t even look up “oligodendrogioma” which is the tumor that I had/still have a piece of? Didn’t even think about it in the rush of the summer and semester. The diagnosis and the treatment and much of the article follows exactly what we’ve been doing and I didn’t even think to look there.
Now part of me is glad that I didn’t. I didn’t know that the median survival times for a grade 2 is 11.7 years or for a grade 3 is 3.5 years. That’s a median I know and as the doctor said I could still live to be 80. But how does knowing that information affect my life?
Not that we ever know specifics or a particular time table but if you knew you had say 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 years to live, how would that affect how you live your life? Would it? Would you change what you eat or how much you exercise or if you take your vitamins? Would you spend more time with friends and family and try to make more meaningful relationships? Would you change careers or look at fulfilling your hearts desire in a different vocation? Would you live your life differently?
I’m not talking about Tim McGraw’s, “Live Like You Were Dying” song and sky diving and rocky mountain climbing – love the song but that’s too cheesy of segue for even me to post. I’m asking a real question. How would you live your life differently? Or would you? Maybe it’s better just to keep on keeping on and keep fighting and do the best you can and not change anything. Or maybe we should be living our abundant lives to the fullest every day regardless of any prognosis, time table, or outcome?
I don’t know. I don’t quite know how I feel about this yet or if this changes anything. I know that I believe that prayer is powerful. I know that when I read that article or I read other materials about this tumor that it is miraculous that I have come away from this with very little deficits – not being able to remember names and numbness and tingling every now and then is significantly different than what could have happened. I thank each of you and my community folks for this. I know that God walks with those on the 3.7 year side as well as those that live to be 80 and that God’s mercy, love and grace is shown to each. I know that we all have “stuff” to deal with and for each of us it can be a long and winding road.
When I think about New Year’s resolutions or I think about the future, I think very much of how we live our life. How do we let our lives speak? Would you live your life differently knowing…?”
Here are some quotes from the beloved Parker Palmer:
“Verbalizing is not the only way our lives speak, of course. They speak through
our actions and reactions, our intuitions and instincts, our feelings and bodily
states of being, perhaps more profoundly than through our words.”
“Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic self-hood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks–we will also find our path of authentic service in the world.”
“We need a coat with two pockets. In one pocket there is dust, and in the other pocket there is gold. We need a coat with two pockets to remind us who we are.”
“Humility is the only lens though which great things can be seen–and once we have seen them, humility is the only posture possible.”
“As a young man, I yearned for the day when, rooted in the experience that comes only with age, I could do my work fearlessly. But today, in my mid-sixties, I realize that I will feel fear from time to time for the rest of my life. I may never get rid of my fear. But . . . I can learn to walk into it and through it whenever it rises up . . . naming the inner force that triggers . . . fear . . . Naming our fears aloud . . . is the first step toward transcending them.”
(Written on December 9th for the Winthrop Wesley Winter newsletter)
I have been struck this Advent season with contrasts and contradictions. I listen or try to escape from Christmas music on the radio this time of year and its frequently a sharp contrast to everything I see around me whether driving, in lines, trying to cross things off the gift, party, and card lists, and in all the “stuff” that goes into the preparations of this season.
Yes, Advent is that season of preparation, but not necessarily the preparations we make. This is a preparation that’s not just about the everyday hustle and bustle but also about getting ready for something completely out of this world—something revolutionary, new, an in-breaking of the kingdom of God. We get ready for the coming of God in the form of a baby—a God who dwells among us and with us. But we also get ready for the second coming of our savior—a time when there is good news and great joy for ALL people. This is good news not just for the pretty ones or smart ones or the ones lucky enough to be born on the right side of the tracks or in the wealthy country, but for all of God’s children.
I think of Mary and Joseph, the shepherds, the wisemen, the prophets – a mix of folks. I think about some of the sights and sounds we saw at Journey to Bethlehem. I think of the words of the prophet—to look to the star and that there is One who is coming who is beyond our imagining. This story is not just one of familiar and beautiful manger scenes and it’s certainly not just a good children’s story. These were trying times and people were being taxed and children lost lives as Herod began his search for the Christ child.
A couple weeks ago I began reading the series The Hunger Games. Excellent adolescent literature so perfect for my brain at the end of a semester. Suzanne Collins does an amazing job bringing this post-apocalyptic world to life. She got the idea from flipping through channels on her television and seeing on one channel a reality tv competition and on the next footage of the Iraq war. Her stories are not for the faint of heart. They are violent and graphic and terrifying. It’s not a pretty picture of people sending their children off to fight to the death. See—I told you not a rosy colored story.
But that’s not much different from the context Jesus arrived in. Here these people were under Roman control, not knowing what was going to be demanded of them next—their money, their children, their lives. The thing about the books—there’s no savior at the end. For some of us, we relate to some of these horrors. There are hard things that we see everyday whether it be a fifth grader committing suicide or children going without food or the loss of a friend or loved one or the loss of one’s job or home.
For some this isn’t just a hustling and bustling time of year, but it’s a painful time. That’s there. That’s part of the story. Pain and hurt and fear are there. But there’s also this thing that I can describe only as wonder. The thing about this season is that as much as I think my heart is hardened or as much as I’ve blocked out the music since it’s started playing after Halloween this year or as much as I feel caught up in finishing the semester and trying to keep the kids from going crazy waiting for Santa—the wonder of Christmas inevitably sneaks up.
You see, it’s not about all these things or all this chaos. But it’s also not just about our current circumstance. Because we are told very clearly, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that shall be for all people . For unto you is born this day a savior who is Christ the Lord and has name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace…” This Prince of Peace can give us that peace that transcends all understanding whether it be as we are awaiting grades or exam results, health questions, job changes, or life decisions.
And this kind of peace can transform the world. Not just people in this place, in this community, or in this land—but all the world. My hope over this Christmas break is that in the midst of everything as students are catching up on sleep and connecting with family and friends and as all of us frantically try to make it through, that we can find time to stop and breathe and take in what it means to be a people who believe in this Emmanuel, a people who believe and live out this peace.
Merry Christmas to all of you and much love, peace, and blessings!
I think it was in the first couple seasons of The Apprentice that they always played the, “Money, money, money” song that played at the beginning. In looking at the lectionary texts this week, I actually liked them all. But I’ve mostly been in Hebrews lately and I have never really preached it very much so I decided to stick with there.
The text is Hebrews 13:1-8, 15-16 and it’s a lot of instruction and wise counsel. Mike and I have been watching The Tudors recently. We’ve finished season 1 and have begun season 2. Wow. In so many ways times have changed! It is amazing to me how far the rights of women have come from those days. Mike spends much of the shows saying, “They were really like that?” Sadly, yes. There’s a ton of lies, betrayal, power hungry insanity, and since it’s on Showtime – sex. Wow is it crazy. We’ve been watching an episode a night and I think that’s the main reason I was drawn to this tet.
This passage is the absolute opposite of this royal debauchery. It talks about showing hospitality to strangers, remembering those in prison, marriage being held in honor and then closing out with “Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.” These are very different instructions than how the Tudors acted even though they loved to throw the name of God and what “God’s will” is around all over the place.
It speaks a great deal to us all. In reading this earlier in the week and in thinking on it the past couple days, the part about money wasn’t something that leaped out to me anymore than the rest of it. Then this morning I go to our biannual Conference Board of Higher Education and Campus Ministry meeting and I find out that not only will we at Winthrop Wesley Foundation not receive any program money for 2011 as we were told a week and a half ago, but now we are no longer going to receive any other program funds for the rest of 2010. So no check coming in September in the thankful income column, but plenty of expenses still going out. Eek! is about the most nice, censored thing I can say…
But then tonight I read this text again abd I see verse 5 “Keep your lives free from the love of money, and be content with what you have; for he has said ‘I will never leave you or forsake you.'” I don’t know if I would say I loved the program money we received from the conference. In actuality it only made up 15% of our program money receipts. But I would definitely say that I depended on it. In the lean months when nothing from churches or sweet giving folks is coming in, I knew that we would receive that money from the Annual Conference and we could pay the light bill. And that is a very good thing. So although I don’t know if I “loved” the money we got, I was incredibly thankful we received it.
But you know times they are a changing, and we live in a different world and economic time. So it is what it is and it’s now time to move forward and trust that God is with us and will provide for us. We step out in faith and trust that God will provide. The semester is planned and commitments made and we’ll see how it all works out in the midst. I trust that it will. No amount of stressing is going to help, but boy it’s time to shake the bushes and get some money raised!
Again, God amazes me in giving us the Word we need when we need it. Even in the midst of the unknown and the uncertainty and the obvious fear, there are tremendous opportunities and new and bold paths to explore and step out in. I am weary thinking about the work ahead, but I’m excited to see new partners in ministry and the chance to vision anew as we as always try to do more, with less.
Money. Power. Intrigue. Definitely more the world of the Tudors than campus ministry. But hey – we all need a little instruction and reminders about where our hearts need to be and who are faith is in. Still not sure what I’m preaching about tomorrow exactly, but often this sound instruction speaks for itself.
We went on “vacation” last week to Garden City Beach with my family. Some dear, dear folks have graciously given us use of their condo since I was 6 years old and that has been the greatest blessing! Enoch has been talking about the beach all summer and it was great for Evy to experience it as well! The first day she was like ew…sand…yuck, but by the last day she was sitting in the mud as we dug a huge pool, river and pond. I know, I know – who digs a river…and yes, in high tide, someone probably fell over in that deep hole we dug as the “pool.” But it was good times!
Why is vacation in quotation marks? Because when you take a one and a half and three year old to the beach or anywhere for that matter on “vacation” is it really vacation? Trying to get them to sleep, follow directions, eat, nap and overall keep them sane and occupied is a near miracle and is certainly not restful for anyone. Last week’s lectionary text from Hebrews (11:1-3, 8-16) begins by talking about faith and uses Abraham as an example as he is given this promise of God and sets out on this journey with his wife Sarah across parts unknown sleeping in tents and not knowing what the next day will bring but having this promise. Dude. We can’t even make it to the beach without a gazillion toys, snacks, books, and all of the “stuff” that we need to survive for less than a week.
On the way to the beach (we left on a Sunday night) and I was exhausted. Like for real tired. The kids were asleep cuddled up in their child seats with their stuffed animals and I wanted to fall asleep so badly, but I’ve always been the one to drive to the beach and Mike doesn’t know all the cut throughs to get down there the non-GPS way. So here I am awake telling him to go down Old Marion Road, no not that light, the next one, etc. And I’m thinking oh wow – Abraham had no map, had no GPS, had no clearly marked laid out plan, and yet he took off, packed himself and his family up, and trusted God.
That is CRAZY. There are many of us that are anti-GPS or even anti-google directions or anti-maps. Some of us like to wander. Some of us like to discover. Some of us like the journey. (Not with two toddlers, mind you…but you get the drift.) J.R.R. Tolkien wrote, “Not all those who wander are lost.” Dad actually picked up a t-shirt with those words while we were at the beach. Of course we gave him a hard time for that because that’s what we do since he loves his Mt. Mitchell camping extravaganzas, but I must say that I secretly liked the shirt a lot. And I’ve always loved that quote.
Sometimes our wandering is part of the journey. I was thrilled to return home and get our latest Entertainment Weekly out of the mailbox. I love that magazine. I do! Call me crazy but I love stories and I love a magazine that talks about movies, tv, broadway, and books and has great columns with critical thinkers. Good stuff. Anyway – so there was a surprise for me in this issue. I thought my days of getting little nuggets about the tv show Lost were over, but little did I know that with the new collection of dvd’s coming out, I’d get another gift of an article. Some of you are like why in the world are you still talking about that ridiculous show and others of you are thinking I need to go get me an Entertainment Weekly. But seriously it totally made sense to me and this text and this place that many of us are in – this journey. Carlton Cuse one of the Executive Producers who wrote the show’s finale with Damon Lindelof were talking about how the finale was polarizing – some people happy with it and some people feeling like they wasted 6 years of their lives watching it. He says, “It seems that the people who embraced the show as a journey and were not fixated on answers probably had the better experience with the show.” Call me crazy but I completely resonate with that right now in terms of real life…
I’m not saying that we don’t wrestle with the big answers and the twists and turns and the why’s because as I’ve said before – God can handle those and God will give us what we need, but I am saying that part of this is the walk that we are on. Part of this journey, this path is faith. Faith that some of the big answers will take care of themselves and some may never get answered on this side of life, but faith that the journey – the life of faith that we lead – is enough. It’s really easy to talk about faith and a lot harder to embrace it. It’s really easy to talk the big talk about taking the scenic route and trusting our instincts or the leading of the Holy Spirit, but it’s a lot harder to put our money where our mouth is and not take the GPS. Sometimes our faith leads us in scary directions with no quick Curious George DVD to plug in and a feeling of vertigo, and that’s tough and it’s scary and it’s real, but sometimes those scary places lead us to mountains of the highest heights and views we couldn’t have imagined and memories we will cherish like my prissy and beautiful little Evy with gritty and slimy beach sand all over her happily playing in the muck and loving it. If we get stuck in place or if we’re too scared to move or if we stick our heads in the sand or are too busy to notice or care – yeah life seems pretty point a to b to c to d, turn left here, stay straight, this is how you get to your next destination. But if we let go and let the Spirit lead…yep, we may have some twists and turns, yes, turbulence could be ahead, but what a ride. What a faith that speaks.
This Sunday’s Gospel lectionary text is Luke 11:1-13. It begins with the disciples asking Jesus to teach them how to pray and Jesus teaching them Lord’s prayer followed by him talking about seeking and finding and words that I say in just about every other sermon or talk with students at one time or another. Very familiar words… “Ask, and it will be given you; search and you fill find; knock, and hte door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.” Then it goes on talking about eggs and scorpions. It’s a rich text. And when I picked it at the beginning of the week when I working on the bulletin, I really wanted to work on it and see where the Spirit led because while saying the Lord’s prayer in the midst of The Journey service last week, I actually stumbled over some of the words – can’t even remember which ones now – because I was thinking about what they actually meant and what we’re actually saying when we say that familiar and yet powerful prayer.
I admit that as often is the case when I pick a text as time gets closer to Sunday I start to second guess and think that I might should have gone with one of the others. It is always awe-inspiring for me to think about all of the little and amazing things that God brings to us when we’re wrestling with something. This week it has been prayer for me. Part of me does regret picking that text because there’s a part of me that’s not ready to think seriously and openly about this text after the events of the past couple months. It’s still a little too personal to put into a sermon or to reflect on.
Mike brought in the poster board card that the folks at SC’s Annual Conference made me while I was having surgery. Who knows how it ended up in my trunk and I have no clue who brought it from Florence but it ended up in Wesley on Thursday morning as Mike was cleaning out my trunk. I can’t say how much those prayers meant to me and continue to mean to me. I can’t begin to express how much I want to keep asking and knocking on that door in prayer in hope.
I’ve been reading various women’s books over all this time out of sheer boredom from doctor’s office visits and when the kids are watching that episode of Caillou or Dora or Phinneas and Ferb for the millionth time. (Sidenote: most women’s books are so depressing and sad – does no one believe in happy endings anymore besides the Christian fiction authors???) One of my dear students here let me borrow The Time Traveler’s Wife before she left for the summer. Beautiful story. Deep love. I will never watch the movie because it’s more sad than I want, but beautiful. Yet again I do think God brings random things into our lives that wake us up to a truth we need to see or things we need to realize or just that guidance that we can’t always even understand. In reading the ending of that book – I found myself realizing that even though I have prayed and felt uplifted throughout this journey and I have appreciated the prayers of so many, I’ve never actually cried out specifically for God to heal me.
It kind of freaks me out even to type it. I know that’s weird. Especially for a pastor that does believe that prayer can do miraculous things. And someone that does believe in the “Heal me and I will be healed. Save me and I will be saved. For you alone are God.” So in thinking about the sermon that I have no idea what I’m going to really say tomorrow – what makes us afraid to ask or knock or seek? What holds us back? What stands in our way?
Crying out to God that night, trying to figure it out – I don’t know. It’s a lot of things. Fear that it won’t happen. Fear of what healing really means and for how long. Fear that even if everything is healed, I won’t know how to go back to life as usual. Is it pride? Do I pray for others but not want to pray for myself? Why is that? I’m no more resilient or together and certainly not any more godly. Is it that I see people all around every day and I hear stories of people that need healing so much more and I wonder and rail that I’m sure some of them ask, seek, and knock and where are their good gifts and not scorpions? I just saw a blip of Ann Curry’s special on the Today Show with the family of 10 living on $500 a month and I’m like why am I even taking the time to write a blog or eating lifesaver gummies when there are people out there that are struggling and hurting needing “good gifts” as much as the rest of us.
Do we think we’re not good enough to ask? Or not deserving enough? Or needy enough? Or nice enough? What is it that holds us back from prayer? What makes it hard to ask and give these things over? Control? Pride? Fear? Anger at what we’ve seen as unanswered prayer?
In watching Anne of Green Gables on PBS for a couple weekends I noticed how Marilla first taught Anne how to pray and she explained to her in a very simple manner – that she should thank God for God’s blessings and then ask God if there’s something she’d like. Hilarious scene. Sadly youtube does not have it. I think about the whole ACTS – Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication. I think of all the prayer circles and prayer ministries and prayer shawls (and Windsor UMC I love the one y’all made me! it is in my office and i’ve already had a couple students wrap in it and i hope feel your prayers!). I read this passage and think very layered/complicated back and forth theology blah, blah, blah statements but you know it’s really pretty simple. Ask – it will be given, search – find, knock – door open. It’s not complicated. And yet somehow we make it so in our minds. Or maybe that’s just mine.
I don’t have all the answers and I feel sure that I won’t have come up with them by tomorrow morning at 11 am, but I do know that God is a God of love and that God does love us as God’s very own. So those scorpions or the AIDS or the heart attacks or the car accidents or the cancers or the abuse or the hurricanes are not from God. They can be used by God for our good but our God knows us, loves us and seeks the best for us.
Maybe that’s what it boils down to…the trust and the faith to believe not only that God answers prayer and that God hears us, but that God is love and is good and is not going to bait and switch us and give us a mouse trap to stick our fingers in instead of an awesome gigantic lollipop. It is with confidence and boldness that we pray knowing that we are heard and held by the great God of the universe. We can cry out when we’re starting a new job, or a new school, or a new adventure and we will be answered. We can continue to ask the hard questions and wrestle and just not understand and as we seek, surely we will find…Can’t wait for each of us to knock on that door and to see the warm light and smile when the door is opened.
Found this from Celine Dion and Josh Groban on youtube. I know a little cheesey but I do think there’s a love and emotion in there that is present in these passages about prayer…that love of parent and child – that guidance and leading.
I pray you’ll be our eyes, and watch us where we go.
And help us to be wise in times when we don’t know
Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way
Lead us to the place, guide us with your grace
To a place where we’ll be safe
The light you have
I pray we’ll find your light
will be in the heart
and hold it in our hearts.
to remember us that
When stars go out each night,
you are eternal star
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
quanta fede c’è
when shadows fill our day
How much faith there’s
Let this be our prayer
in my prayer
when shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe
We dream a world without violence
a world of justice and faith.
Everyone gives the hand to his neighbours
Symbol of peace, of fraternity
We ask that life be kind
and watch us from above
We hope each soul will find
another soul to love
The force his gives us
We ask that life be kind
is wish that
and watch us from above
everyone finds love
We hope each soul will find
around and inside
another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer, just like every child
Need to find a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe
Need to find a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe
It’s the faith
you light in us
I feel it will save us
I don’t really know how to begin this blog. It’s been a long weekend. While I was at the doctor on Wednesday we realized I have a sinus infection and Mike and I have been battling those all weekend so I know that has something to do with it. It’s been exhausting and for some reason on Friday everything just kind of hit me, that 4 weeks from that day I randomly had a seizure and they then the next morning found this brain tumor and two weeks from that day I had that brain tumor mostly removed and on Wednesday I found out it was a type 2, not a type 1 or a 3 or 4 and I will wait for 3 months and will get another MRI and will get to wait I’m sure several days after that to see what the deal is.
I’ve been asked about getting second opinions and so many of my much beloved Emory people have offered medical expertise and I am full of gratitude for that. I think it was Friday though when it hit me that all this really has happened and this is not a bad dream and this is my new reality. I kind of hate the phrase at this point “new normal.” A large part of me wants to scream the heck with the “new normal.” I don’t want to find it. I don’t want to have to find it. I don’t want any of this happening period.
I know that there are very many people that have this worse off than I do. It could have been a type 3 or 4 malignant. I’m not even going to name all of the worse things that could be happening right now, and I know that and feel the pain of that. But I also have to acknowledge that for me this sucks. For a known and self-identified control freak, not being able to drive anywhere when I get carsick all the time, not having any control over this line of tumor still in my brain, not being able to do anything about it (yes I know I can get a second opinion and I can choose my attitude and I can be thankful, but that’s not how I always feel), not having the energy to clean up the house much less care that it’s a mess….it really just stinks.
So I battled this funk all weekend. I read three books over the weekend – two ended sadly and praise God the one I read yesterday ended well. We watched Carolina make it into the College World Series which is tremendous. I spent the weekend playing with the kids and we ate good food, relaxed and I’m as always thankful for the help of my mom and Mike in keeping things together right now. On Sunday morning I had absolutely no desire to go to church. No I didn’t pull the I’m going to go to Bedside UMC this morning or Boxsprings Baptist, but I didn’t really want to go. But you know that’s what happens on Sundays…Mike goes to church and on the rare chance that I’m not preaching I get to listen to someone bring the Word. So Mom and I got the kiddos dressed and ready for church and off we went.
All morning I had been on the verge of tears and when we went into Bethel the first hymn was “O How He Loves You and Me” from the Faith We Sing 2108. That was it. I ended up having to go downstairs because I was pretty much hyperventilating crying. It’s a simple song…”O how he loves you and me! O how he loves you and me! He gave his life. What more could he give? O how he loves you; O how he loves me; O how he loves you and me.” I wasn’t upset because I didn’t believe the words. I was upset because I do believe the words. I know God loves me but that doesn’t completely change how devastating some of this is. We can feel and know God’s love and there is hope there, but sometimes all we feel is despair at all of the what if’s and could have been’s and it isn’t easy to keep on singing and praising when you’re just not there.
By the time I got it together Josh was on to the children’s sermon and then the choir played a song that Patti had learned at a UMW retreat. It’s also out of the Faith We Sing 2218 called “You are Mine.” Here are the words:
I will come to you in slence, I will lift you from all your fear. You will hear my voice, I claim you as my choice, be still and know that I am here.
I am hope for all who are hopeless, I am eyes for all who long to see. In the shadows of the night, I will be your light, come and rest in me.
Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.
I am strength for all the despairing, healing for the ones who dwell in shame. All the blind will see, the lame will all run free, and all will know my name.
I am the Word that leads all to freedom, I am the peace the world cannt give. I will call your name, embracing all your pain, stand up, now walk, and live!
Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.
I kept crying but that at least got me to the sermon which was great and much needed as well. All day I just kept struggling with this. And I finally just let it out during Phineas and Ferb and told Mom and Mike the things that I’m frustrated with and afraid of and just sick of. I don’t want to bottle this up and it keep giving me nightmares and I don’t want to take it out on my children or family, but it’s all so much sometimes that everything spills over.
Somehow though after saying it out loud to them and after eating some Fruitloops and watching the daytime Emmy’s I felt better. Last night was one of the first nights I didn’t have a nightmare and for that I am thankful. Is every day going to be easy? No. Does life sometimes really completely stink? Yes. Are there sometimes in our lives when tears of desperation are all that we can muster? Sure. Is there One who still loves us and holds us and wants the best for us even in the midst? Heck Yeah. Is that hard to handle sometimes? I think so.
I can’t help hearing that refrain from the hymn – “Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.” I guess sometimes there are things that we just have to cling to in the midst.
The kids were watching an Anne of Green Gables cartoon on PBS yesterday and I LOVE Anne of Green Gables. It was a lot of fun watching it with them and I love that Kevin Sullivan produced both the Anne that I grew up with and this new animated series. She always had a way with words saying things like not just feeling sad but being in the “depths of despair.” Funny girl. Maybe sometimes we are in the depths of despair. And that’s real. It’s not always faith, praise, and strength. Who in the heck is like that all the time? We are real people with real crud that happens and sometimes that’s not beautiful or picture perfect. There are questions. There are fears. There is struggle. I’m glad we don’t have to always have the answers and I’m glad that we don’t have to stay in the depths. May God give each of us the strength and the tenacity and the courage and the hope to keep keeping on but may we also be thankful that we can come battered and bruised and confused and despondent and that’s okay too.
There’s a song I listened to a lot as a gangly too tall teenager facing typical mean girl stuff – nothing out of the ordinary, but you know how it goes. The song is by Twila Paris and it’s called “The Warrior is a Child.” May we each know that there’s a home to run to and that it’s okay to struggle with picking up the pieces.
Okay so my thinking of “for such a time as this” extends far beyond just Ms. Esther. I really do believe that God brings things into our lives for particular journeys. No this is not everything happens for a reason or just the beginning of “For Good” ie. “People come into our lives for a reason…” Nope. I’m talking about reading that book or hearing that song or getting that email or reading that billboard or whatever at just the right time and that be a little message to keep you hanging on and keeping on.
So I’ve never totally loved the raunchy romances of life. I am one of those people that like Christian romances. Yep, that aisle in the bookstores that says Christian fiction welp I used to make a home there. Okay, I’m out. There’s a whole shelf in Wesley dedicated to these treasures of mine. Love Robin Jones Gunn. Love Linda Chaikin. Love, love, love them! When I was at Emory some of the students gave me a Christian dating book in tribute to these crazy books of mine even though I was long married at that point. There’s something about a good story and the Lord of all driving it that makes me happy – I like both the passion and the faith. Now my grandmother loved books. Good golly I can’t even remember a time til her dying day that she didn’t have a book beside her. Mine go with me in my gigantic pocketbooks. I have no idea how she kept hers so neat except that she probably didn’t have as much candy and kid junk in her bags. But Ganny liked all sorts of book – including the occasional I would say trashy romance. So there was a time that I picked up The Other Boleyn Girl on a flight and thought what in the world is all this sex and craziness? Such is the reaction when you grow up reading the Christian versions… However, now in this stage of life when such things cease to surprise me anymore, I have found a new at least so-so feeling towards this author that blends history and romance.
My brother Caleb just earned his history degree from the University of South Carolina and his last paper was on Richard III – interesting guy. This is the Richard portrayed in Gregory’s book The White Queen and the one who may or may not have murdered the two princes in the tower. I know I’ve lost half of you now, but I promise to get to the rambling point (some of you are like – dude this is how she preaches – she just needs to get to the point). Anyway, I hated that book in a lot of ways. Loved the romance, loved the survival, but hated it for that mother to lose her children like that and her husband and all that yuck. In the meantime though I picked up another one of her books, The Constant Princess. This one is about Katherine of Aragon. Interesting story. I’m less than 150 pages into it and I already want to stop reading it because at this point everything’s happy and knowing the little bit about British history that I do, it ain’t going to be happy long. What I got though for this time and in this place is that this lady and many before her knew how to survive. She’s a daughter of Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand and much of her identity is that she is this royal princess that’s going to kick butt. (Okay Renee I know you don’t like when I use butt, but it is what it is.) This queen stuff is crazy and I wholly believe that this whole royal thing in these books is crazy and that the whole business was completely dirty, but I think about what my brother Josh writes to us in letters and what I read from in this past week’s lectionary from 1 Kings. We are children of the Most High God.
We are children of the Most High God. That’s not a phrase that I’ve particularly jived with over the years, but it’s growing on me in this context. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to start walking around with a long train and royal septer, I want to say bahahahaha to that. But it does mean that I can do this. I am a child of God and that’s all I have to be. period. Philippa Gregory may not speak to you and heck she may not speak to me again, but I think it’s absolutely amazing that we have a God that is not someone that looks at us from afar but is a God that gets messy and personal and in the mix with us and somehow in the midst of our insane little worlds breaks in and gives us what we need to keep going, no matter how random that may be.
Don’t know if I’ll finish the book but I got what I needed for the journey.
I am totally not telling you to watch them because they are rather disturbing this year and there are so many things being bleeped out that you can’t understand half of it but it is pretty funny.
Mike walked in earlier and he’s like “What are you smiling at?” Guess I haven’t done that much today, and I’m like “They’re giving an award to Sandra Bullock and they’re showing clips from her movies.” So we got sucked in. Although now he’s flipping back and forth between hockey and basketball. It’s a night with absolute nothing on tv and all sorts of things to watch on tv all at the same time.
Thank y’all for the prayers! It had to be prayer that got me through this morning. I totally didn’t crash until after church and I know that had to be prayer so thank you!
The rest of the day today and yesterday has been good – hanging out with the kids, going to the park and the pool and watching Enoch play with his new trains, and watching Evy in her new dresses and bows. It’s been good. And there’s been great food (Mike’s grandmother sent chocolate-covered strawberries – who could ask for better?).
I know this is going to be a crazy week with highs and lows and it’s all going to be fine, but I’m tired and it’s a tired day. Enoch has been staying up til all hours of the night not wanting to sleep, don’t know if he feels the energy in the air or if he needs to not ever take naps anymore!
So not much to report in Jeterland today. Tomorrow begins the week of craziness and thankfully the kids will begin summer preschool in the morning so here’s to a good start for them! Thank you all for the prayers and support! I am deeply humbled, overwhelmed and hugely thankful for them. Much love!
Blessings on the Journey 