2013 – Page 4 – Blessings on the Journey

Anger, Faith, Frustration, Grief, Life, Tumor

The Anger Stage

Posted on April 11, 2013April 11, 2013 by narciejeter

So it’s there. A little bit after the parental units, but nonetheless, the anger stage is in the house. I, like most of you, know about the stages of grief and it’s almost worse that I know this and realize this and can clinically say, why of course, Narcie Jeter, what you are experiencing is a quite substantial dose of the anger and sadness stages of grief.

Lord knows why it took me so long and why I went into survival, defuse the situation, and keep bouncing along mode except for the fact that I just really don’t want to deal with this. I really don’t want to think about surgery again. I really don’t want to show the kids the scar from the last time and let them know this is all going to be okay. I really don’t want to feel so freaking ticked off and frustrated and distracted and weepy. Weepy. And not in a nice, cute crying way, but watching old episodes of Dawson’s Creek and crying like a nutcase.

I don’t really know how to make this feeling go away so besides the Dawson’s Creek marathon which is strangely always comforting (nutcase, I told you), I’m trying to blog it out. Maybe if I articulate whatever this is…since I don’t really have a punching bag and I probably shouldn’t throw things against the wall so late at night.

I don’t actually know what I want.

I don’t know if there’s an answer.

I don’t even know if there’s a question.

Things I know: I love my family. I trust God. I know there are many, many people praying. I appreciate that greatly. I love what I do – all of it – silly, serious, and in between. I am tired. I am worried. I am scared. I am loved and cherished by an amazing man who is more than I ever deserve or imagined. I have done this before and I know all will be fine and it’s a great doctor and facility. I can’t decide if this is a big deal or not a big deal or if it’s just normal, which is weird and not quite right. I’m already wondering about the next surgery or what will happen… I have the two silliest, sweetest, most unique and precious and precocious children imaginable and I swing between the hope that they may never know anything about this because I wish I could control things and realizing that this isn’t just my story but our story. I realize that there are a heck of a lot of people dealing with things more awful and challenging and I sometimes feel whiny and weak for even articulating this.

And yet. When I start typing and I stop feeling the waves of anger for a bit and I stop crying along to “I Don’t Wanna Wait” like a sad sack, I know that God is carrying me and holding me each step of the way, which ironically in some ways makes me cry more. And for the record, I’m not writing that as a pastor and I don’t care a hill of beans if anyone reads this, but it’s just good to feel and know that. Even as silly as that may seem to some.

Thanks for being on this journey. Thanks for praying. Even if I don’t always answer the emails, comments, facebooks, fast enough or at all, know that I appreciate them and I read them. They help that “held” feeling when it’s denial, anger, sadness, and yuck city. Love you all. Especially my crazy WNWers that would let me share my Dawson’s obsession. And if any of you reading this make fun of me for my silly, trashy, and immature tv watching….you’re going to get it. (I kid. Mostly.)

***I also realize that I write plenty of run-on, stream of consciousness sentences, and I, nor the English major inside of me, actually cares. So ha!

Health, Tumor

Surgery Date

Posted on April 3, 2013 by narciejeter

It’s official.

Surgery will be on May 10th and pre-op on May 3rd.

Thanks for y’all’s prayers, your comments on the blog, your comments on facebook and all of the messages! Much love to each of you.

All of us greatly appreciate it. As I know more, I’ll let you know. As I process more, I’ll try to post. The in between time makes this a bit surreal but I know that God is with us. I know there are quotes out there like “Never trust quotes posted on the internet” – Abraham Lincoln, and I don’t know if this one is completely true or not, but as my uncle Carlee would quote John Wesley saying, “The best of all is, God is with us.”

Christian, Community, Fear, home, Love

The C Word (and it’s not Cancer)

Posted on April 3, 2013April 3, 2013 by narciejeter

You know how in different seasons, there are specific words or lessons or visuals that seem to keep popping up in your life? Maybe that doesn’t occur for everyone but for at least for some of us stubborn folks, it’s like God has to drop clues all over the place for us to actually get the picture. The thing that keeps coming up to me right now is this idea and belief in community.

For those of you that read the blog (or at least when I used to write regularly) you know this is something I talk about A LOT. Probably annoyingly so at times. It’s the thing that I’m most passionate about. The thing that I believe is integral to the body of Christ and to any semblance or form of Christian life. You just can’t get around it. But for some reason, in this move and transition which was months ago at this point, I’ve pulled back a little from it. I don’t know if it’s new places, new people, new community building, or the grief and loss or change of old close community, but there’s something that is raw inside me around this concept.

I then start to think about student and campus ministry life and how hard it is to transition in from high school community to college community and then transition from college community to being out in the wide, wide world. I also think about how hard it is to transition from friend groups and single life to married life and professional life and all these in between times and the things that work out and don’t and how so many, random things affect how we view community, who we think are part of our “tribe,” and what we need from community. It’s not all about what we get out of it and it’s not all about what we put into it, but it seems to be this dance of times and places and seasons.

What are the things that hold us back from real community? Not pseudo surface-level stuff, but showing people the cracks and vulnerabilities. I think it’s scary. It’s unnerving. We want to be stronger and more patient and more perfect on the outside than the swirl of gunk on the inside. It gets messy. It takes a lot of time and real sharing. It sometimes makes us feel like we’re on display, left wide open or being dissected. But are these some of the same things that hold us back from fully sharing with God? Or fully sharing from the heart all aspects of our lives?

I know that not everyone is going to get along and gel 100% of the time. I’m not talking about being bff’s with everyone you meet. I’m not even talking about everyone “liking” each other even though I believe we’re all called to love each other and live in community together. I do challenge us to pause and think before we speak. I concede that sometimes our guard has to be let down to create those thin places where God can speak to us. I hope and pray that the world doesn’t see how we fight, bicker and belittle each other, but how we love, support, uphold, and care for one another.

For me, the song that’s been holding me through this season is Phillip Phillips’ “Home.” Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Family, Health, Holy Week, Mommy, Support, Thankful, Trust, Tumor, Unexpected

Here We Go Again.

Posted on March 28, 2013March 29, 2013 by narciejeter

In December I had an appointment with my neurosurgeon in Charlotte and since it was the last day of classes here and was a 7 hour drive, I decided to cancel it and find a neurosurgeon here in Gainesville. I didn’t make this decision lightly and I looked up all sorts of things about the awesome program here and I asked around to a number of people. I saw my new neurosurgeon for the first time on Valentine’s Day (ha!). He ordered an MRI to be done the Monday after our spring break trip to Costa Rica (March 11th). On Tuesday, March 19th while Mike and I ate lunch with Evy, the nurse called and said that the doctor recommended surgery. She then set an appointment for me to talk to him about this for today, March 28th.

Mike and I of course called our parents. I didn’t want to say anything about this before we knew anything, but needless to say, we’ve been pretty distracted this past week and because I try to be a reasonably transparent person, it was hard to preach on Palm Sunday or for either of us to function without a twinge of something always in the background. My parents came to visit last night so that Mom could go with us to the appointment and Dad being the great MacMac that he is, could hang out with the kids this morning since they’re on spring break.

Three years have passed since the first surgery. To review, my doctor in Charlotte removed what he could of the tumor but left a strip near the motor cortex of the brain. The type of tumor I have is an oligodendroglioma and very thankfully it’s a grade II (low grade). At the time, research and common practice said that you take a watch and wait perspective and treat symptoms. Now, research says that you resect as much as you can of the tumor so that it does not increase in grade. They will use computer guidance to make sure that they are as precise as possible in removing as much as they can of the tumor that remains. All of the risks associated with brain surgery are still at play here (duh.), but even more than that, because this is on my motor cortex, there could be temporary weakness in my right arm, hand and face. As he said, scenario A is much like the first surgery – I come in on Friday and have surgery, I go home on Sunday, and I go back to work on Wednesday (this is also because I’m a crazy person that likes to work – yes, I know). Scenario B is I go into surgery on Friday, hopefully still leave on Sunday depending on some things, go back to work in two weeks, and then possibly do physical therapy and rehab for a month. If removing as much of the tumor as possible gives me a higher means of this not turning into something worse, I’m willing to risk either scenario. The doctor’s suggestion is to take the “earliest elective opportunity” to do the surgery.

I’ve decided to do the surgery in May – most likely either May 10th or May 17th. What does this mean for our family? The kids were 1 and just turning 3 when the first surgery happened so they thought Mommy was on a trip of some sort. They’re 4 and 5 now so we’ll be handling things a little differently. They’ll still be in school so that should help. I am blessed with an incredible extended family….and in essence I consider y’all a part of that as well. Mike has been an absolute rock in all of this and I can’t begin to thank him for living out the weight of our vows every day. The irony of asking him today – do you want to have the surgery around our 11th anniversary (May 11th) or around your 34th birthday (May 16th)? I know that God is with us and will provide – whether that’s within the surgery, recovery, sanity, financially or us trying to squeeze in two more days at Disney before June 6th when our passes expire =0). I’m also looking at the beginning of May so that I can be present for all of the end of semester fun, but before things ramp back up for summer. I didn’t plan on a surgery during my first year here in Gainesville, but I know that there’s an amazing staff, student leaders and board here and we’ll be good to go. As always, I’m pretty open with questions – so if you have one, ask me. I also tend to use the blog to process and answer things as I can. (Don’t be afraid. I’m not “broken” or an invalid, and I’m still the same person. Human as can be, but trying to figure it out….so ask, don’t just wonder.)

As soon as I get the actual date of the surgery, I’ll definitely post it and I will hugely appreciate all of your prayers!

So all that to say, I don’t have any big actual blog “reflection” tonight. We just completed the Maundy Thursday service and I’m pretty spent at this point, which I guess is just about right with Good Friday coming tomorrow. I am increasingly struck this Easter season that there’s no fast forward button between Palm Sunday with the Hosannas and Easter. I also appreciated a song that my parent’s sent me when I told them this last week. It’s Tenth Avenue North’s “Worn.” Hope that during this Holy Week we are reminded of our redemption, peace and hope in Christ in the midst of the sometimes dark despair.

For those visual people out there that want to pray over an image….rock on.

Uncategorized

Every time I think of you

Posted on March 27, 2013 by narciejeter

Gator Wesley is doing 24 Hours of Prayer today as part of Holy Week. I’m grateful that students and staff have signed up to intentionally pray for our ministry, community, nation and world and that they are lifting up the importance of the power of prayer. One of the scripture passages that Holly selected for people to meditate on comes from Philippians 1:1-6:

“Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God. Whenever I pray, I make requests for all of your with joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now. And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”

It is a blessing to have fellow travelers on the journey. I’m not just talking about mentors and colleagues but also students, friends, and the broader community of faith. I look through facebook pictures and read statuses of friends and students who are living out what it means to be a disciple and who are living out kingdom work with little to no fan fare, and I feel myself echo the words of Philippians. Every time I think of you, I give thanks to God for you. I may not be the best person in the world at keeping in touch and maintaining connections, but I am grateful and ever embracing the real community that exists when life is shared in times and seasons and when we are connected by our common purpose of sharing the Good News of Christ.

As we walk through this Holy Week, may we remember that we don’t walk this path alone. May we remember the suffering servant that humbly blazed a trail for us with his life, actions, witness, and power this week. And may we continue knowing that God who began a good work within us, will continue this work – with God’s grace, strength, peace, sustenance, and light – until the day of his return.