Just to keep y’all updated on the medical part of this blog. I talked with the doctor yesterday and he assured me that the Tumor Board agreed with his plan to wait this out for 3 months and then do an MRI to see how/if things grow/change. Since they don’t know how long the tumor was there, they’re not sure how all of this will play out. He did say that there’s no radiation needed right now so that’s good news.
I asked a lot of questions about it being a grade 2 tumor and what that meant. I also really hedged on asking the question I really wanted to know specifically about this type of tumor but he was wise enough to know what I was asking. He responded, “So you’re asking about life expectancy.” And I said yes. And he said that there’s a wide range. The tumor may come back in 2-3 years or 10 years or could be even longer. A lot of it depends on how all of these MRI’s play out. Bottom line – there’s no set answer for what this is going to look like in the long run. But there’s no immediate threat. This is not a grade 3 or 4 tumor. And we are VERY thankful for that!
I know that your prayers had and will continue to have a great impact on these outcomes and I thank you for all of them. I thank you for all of the cards and support and even pictures in the sand (loved that one!). I thank you for walking with us and keeping us in your hearts. Your support has been amazing and I seriously could never thank you enough. We don’t know what the future holds. No clue. But we know who walks with us each step of the way.
I’ll meet with the neurologist next week and we’ll go from there on that end. And other than that – it’s time to keep rockin and rollin with life. Thank y’all, thank y’all, thank y’all! Can’t say it enough!
So am I the only one who has been incessantly watching America’s Got Talent? I don’t know if it’s the lack of things on television right now or I’m just waiting to start watching Big Brother (love that show!), but we have been watching America’s Got Talent over and over and over. They’re now down to the final 48 if you don’t know. If that seems like a lot of people/acts left to you – wow you don’t know how long it took to get there or with what angst.
These episodes stress me out. I know that makes me a sad person that I get so emotionall invested in tv shows but it’s not like these people are all professional people that are used to being rejected. Some of these people you envision are just like you and me – joe blow. Maybe melodramatic but it’s heart breaking when some of them get the boot. I really wanted the guy with the kite to make it even though I know you couldn’t watch that for over an hour in a Vegas act (and that’s the prize) but still…. I don’t like to see the crushing rejection. That’s not entertainment. But you can’t have the good without the bad. For every sad defeat, you’ve got someone who gets blown away by the opportunity to perform in Hollywood in front of a live audience one step closer to their dream. Those moments are amazing! The excitement, joy, hugs….wow….the blonde girl that sings Jewel and grew up in foster care, the kid from Alabama whose Dad said him making it was the most proud moment of his life, I can’t believe they let the hand whistle lady go through but dude – she was jumping up and down with a walker – that is excitement.
Last night as they were making some folks dreams happen and they were sadly crushing others they played Coldplay’s “Fix You.” I like this song. I’ve like it for a long time. There’s something about the melody and the build up in the middle that really speak to the journey for me…that really speak to the every person. One of the lectionary scriptures this week is from Luke (10:25-37) and it’s talking about the Good Samaritan and who our neighbor is…among other things. When I think about America’s Got Talent and how some of these crazy yokels could literally be our next door neighbor – I think about that story. When I think about MLK’s wise words that we encounter half the world every morning in the clothes that we wear and the food that we eat and all of the many ways that our wide but intricately connected world makes quick neighbors of even the most far-reaching among us. I think about this Coldplay song and the lights the lead each of us home. Not I’m not listening to the song for complete theological accuracy and no I’m not debating the “I will try to fix you,” because I think God does a heck of a lot more than just fix us. But I do like that even as melancholy as the song starts out, the building instrumental bridge in the middle and the crescendo that happens there to me speaks very much to the ebb and flow of life and that we are all in this together. That lights/our neighbors/the love of God/all sorts of crazy things do lead us home.
So who are those neighbors? Who are the lights in our life? What does that mean as we follow God? What is Jesus trying to say here? I am thankful for those that journey with us. Those that we know and those that we don’t. Those that we see every day and those that we see once in a lifetime. Those that we think are just like us and those that challenge and stretch our points of view in mighty and prophetic ways.
I guess we’ll see how our neighbors in this crazy tv show will do in the coming weeks…
I played Michael Buble’s Feeling Good a couple months ago at church. Can’t remember the text at this point but it was about the swagger. There’s a certain swagger to Michael Buble and this song and I think there’s often a certain swagger to the new day that was created in the resurrection. When Easter came -” it really was a new dawn, a new day, a new life.” Not that I’m actually picturing Jesus swaggering. Can’t imagine him in a rat pack hat. Not even “Buddy Jesus” a la Dogma. But there is a certain swagger to this new day that has been created. A day where we have hope. A day where we aren’t just talking in metaphors and imagery, but we are God’s people here on earth trying to live into the already and not yet of God’s kingdom now. Among us.
That is a powerful thing. We’re not just all hanging out down here and doing the best we can for the heck of it. We’ve been charged with bringing God’s kingdom to earth – that’s pretty weighty and scary and awesome and humbling. It’s a new day – “There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or fre, there is no longer male and female; for all of you are one in Christ Jesus.” (Galations 3:28) No more do we have to bow down to classism or sexism or racism or whatever else. No more do we have to just assume things are going to go on being and doing as they always have. No more do we have to wait for someone else to stand up and make a difference. It’s a new day for each of us. It’s a new time for each of us. It’s a new opportunity for each of us to really know each other and meet needs and get connected and become community.
Shane Claiborne’s article about inter-dependence day said it much better then I could so here’s a link http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shane-claiborne/this-july-4th-lets-celebr_b_633710.html. In thinking about college campuses and what gets someone through the door of a campus ministry – what gets folks to seek community – what makes that connection – I can’t help but look towards the fall semester. I know that having that community around you is vital in college life. Having fellow journeyers with you is essential and I can’t fathom not having that support. But how in a world where everyone feels connected (hello facebook, twitter, myspace, whatever the latest trend is) do you actually show the importance of real relationships and the vital news that we as a community, as a body of believers can make real change in the world?
I love Michael Buble’s song because of it’s implications for our Christian walk, but I also love it for this coming school year because we’re doing some things a little bit different at Winthrop Wesley. Change is scary people. Let me tell you. I love how we’ve done things. I love the students that have been here and are here. A campus minister friend of mine shared an image that a campus minister shared with him about what campus ministry is like. It’s like building sand castles in the sand. As soon as you have a really good looking castle, the waves come and wash it away. There are pros and cons with that – our “congregation” changes roughly every 4 years and even with students you’ll get the “but we’ve never done it that way before even if it’s been 2 years instead of 30.” This past year we had a large group of seniors graduate and with some changes to Winthrop’s schedule and with the opening of the new Student Center, the Student Leadership Team and I thought this might be time to make a change.
So we are. We’re going to mix up our meeting times, we (meaning the lovely Jonathan and Marissa) have painted some of our space, we’re going to do small groups differently and who knows what else differently. Can’t wait for God to show us how this is going to look because it’s a scary thing stepping out and not doing the same thing that you’ve always done. The familiar and the natural rhythm can’t be underestimated, but when you know it’s time, you know it’s time.
The main thing we’re doing differently this year is that we’re going to have a mission focus. We will continue all of our work with social justice in terms of Hunger and Homeless Awareness Week, CROP Walk, and the Potato Drop…it wouldn’t be Wesley if we didn’t have that as our backbone. But we’re going to spend this year with a focus on Human Trafficking. I’ve been hearing about this for a couple years now and it is something that has captured my heart. There is so much information out there and so many different organizations and books and people lifting up this issue it’s unbelievable if you start digging around and yet we’re not hearing about this from the media. It’s not something commonly talked about. That is frustrating. So this year we’re going to learn about human trafficking and then we’re going to do something to help combat the problem any way we can. This means inviting speakers in. This means reading books and educating ourselves. This means we’re going to New York City over Fall Break to the Church Center Building and are going to do a United Methodist Seminar with the amazing folks that coordinate the Seminar Program there.
A song and story that has captured our vision for this is from the band Bluetree and the song is “God of this City.” If you watch no video I ever post on this thing, watch this one. Seriously. It is powerful and he can say it a lot better than I can write it. It is powerful coming out of the mouths of these Irish folk asking each of us – what are we doing to combat these things (hunger, homelessness, child soldiers, human trafficking) in our world? If this is a new day, what are we doing to show a hurting world the God that loves them and is very much alive?
You’re God of this city, you’re the King of these people, you’re the Lord of this nation, you are…
You’re the Light in this darkness, you’re the Hope to the hopeless, you’re the Peace to the restless, you are…
For there is none like our God, there is none like You, God!
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city!
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done here.
You’re the Lord of creation, The creator of all things you’re the King above all kings, you are…
You’re the Strength in the weakness, You are Love to the broken, You’re the Joy in the sadness, you are…
For there is none like our God, there is none like you, God!
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city!
Where glory shines from hearts alive with praise for You and love for You in this city.
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city!
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done here.
For there is none like our God, there is none like you, God!
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city!
Where glory shines from hearts alive with praise for You and love for You in this city.
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city!
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done here.
Fear is a powerful thing. My greatest fear growing up was that something would happen to my family and that I would be all alone. I still have that fear now. If someone is not in the right place at the right time, it’s in the back of my head. Maybe that makes me crazy or hypervigilant or just weird. A very definite possiblity.
When I was doing CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) at Scottish Rite Children’s Hospital in Atlanta I learned a great deal about loss and death and everything in between. People always want some sort of reason…some sort of answer…something they can cling to and trust and know. In the 17 on call nights that we had, there was only 1 that I didn’t have sort of call and this happened to be the Friday night that I was frantically working on my probationary member Board of Ordained ministry papers finishing up at the last second as normal in my world of procrastination. I think everyone was praying for no calls that night and I was able to email the papers to Mike, he printed them out back at our home in Decatur and then mailed them in fed ex right before midnight. Craziness.
Anyway, to say the least, CPE was a life-changing experience for me. I maybe crazily got a lot out of it and learned a ton about myself. Dealing with tragedy in the lives of children was tough as heck and has made me a somewhat paranoid parent in being overly cautious with hotdogs, the pool, second story windows, monkey bars and all sorts of random things. On my second to last on call I performed my first baptism on a few weeks old dying baby. I had never done a baptism before and didn’t even really know what to do, but it ended up being one of the most special experiences I have shared with anyone as this life returned back to God. In the midst of this I got word that a 6 month old was in the ER from a car accident downstairs. I stopped in on my way out and checked on the child who they said had substantial brain injuries. There wasn’t any family there and so I eventually left to then be called back late that evening.
I found out on the way that the police had just located the child’s mother who had been working at Ryan’s making some extra money for Christmas. The child had been with her 3 year old brother and husband who both had died at the scene of the accident. I was waiting at the hospital when the family – mother, grandmother, grandfather, uncle arrived. I’ll never forget that night. Their child had been moved to the PICU and the doctors were pretty sure she was brain dead.
I don’t even have words to describe that night. I do remember us going to the chapel of the hospital right before the final evaluation at 7 am the next morning and I remember that mother screaming at God in that chapel. With all of the anger and grief and sheer despair that all of us felt and much, much more. I had at that point seen a lot of children be declared braid dead and I had accepted it and grieved with the family and been whatever support I could be, but not until that day did I scream at God too. As the mother of this child said “Come on, you’re God. You can do anything. I don’t care what they say. You can work miracles. You can make this happen.” I felt myself thinking the same things right along with her. You are the Great God of the Universe – You can make this happen. You can do this.
There are so many stories that run through my mind of miraculous and amazing things that have happened that we rejoice and are unfathomably thankful for, but then there are also many where we feel sucker punched and reeling. I know that life is supposed to be more normal now. The tumor board recommended the same wait and see and we’ll check back in 3 months with the MRI and see how much what’s left has grown, etc. I am super thankful that this is not worse. Really. But it took until today for me to figure out why I haven’t been able to totally bounce back. Oh I’m bouncing. Thanks to y’all’s prayers. But there are times when I’m tired and sad and it’s hard to keep bouncing. I figured it out today. It’s that fear thing again. But for me it’s the reverse. When I witnessed that family’s heartbreak, I saw one of my fears realized (boy was that fodder for CPE discussions). I hadn’t been able to entirely put my finger on what was getting to me until today. Not that this wouldn’t happen without a total fight and all the strength and grit that I have, but it is terrifying to think of ever leaving Mike and my kids. For my kids not to know who I am or how I love them. For them not to feel that to the essence of their bones.
I know this is not a feel good blog post. I haven’t posted in a lot of days and it’s not because they’ve been bad days, they’ve been good. But part of the reason that I’m writing these – actually one of the main reasons – is to process this for me. Read it, don’t read it – it’s not hurting my feelings. For me I think naming my fear, naming the imaginable loss I would feel leaving Mike and my kids, even if there’s no way in the world that would happen and the prognosis is great and I should be happy – just naming it makes a difference to me. Saying the words outloud and acknowledging the big and small shifts that this has made in my life is important in moving forward. Gosh, it sometimes sucks to practice what you preach.
What clicked today is that even in the most dreadful things, I know that God is still present. God is still with us. God is still cradling us. Whether this is in the crazy topsy turvy days or the floating in between times. I’m not going to let fear rule my life. And I certainly don’t want it to rule the next 3 months. It’s hard to live that abundant life Jesus talks about when fear takes root in your heart. So my hope is that we get them out there. That we say them outloud. That we can let not just the nice happy parts of our souls shine through but that we can be honest in our questions our concerns our frustrations. I keep thinking of Star Wars and Twilight references here, but I’m going to abstain from my typical music/movie references even though I love them. It’s amazing how acknowledging our fears and letting the light shine on them can change our perspective and help keep us moving forward. Hope y’all didn’t mind me acknowledging mine.
There’s a framed saying that sits on a shelf in my office. Several years ago my mom got me and my Ganny (maternal grandmother) copies of this picture. It says:
Think deeply.
Speak gently.
Love more.
Laugh outloud.
Word hard.
Give freely and
Be Kind.
Those are each challenging in various ways but often the whole “Be Kind” can be difficult for us. It’s so hard in our world to give freely and be kind without feeling like you’re being taken advantage of. And maybe sometimes you do get taken advantage of or get burned. It happens. Both bad moods and good moods are contagious. Be kind. I think there’s a challenge there especially for some of us that are tired, impatient and prideful. Be kind. Hmmmm……
I don’t really know how to begin this blog. It’s been a long weekend. While I was at the doctor on Wednesday we realized I have a sinus infection and Mike and I have been battling those all weekend so I know that has something to do with it. It’s been exhausting and for some reason on Friday everything just kind of hit me, that 4 weeks from that day I randomly had a seizure and they then the next morning found this brain tumor and two weeks from that day I had that brain tumor mostly removed and on Wednesday I found out it was a type 2, not a type 1 or a 3 or 4 and I will wait for 3 months and will get another MRI and will get to wait I’m sure several days after that to see what the deal is.
I’ve been asked about getting second opinions and so many of my much beloved Emory people have offered medical expertise and I am full of gratitude for that. I think it was Friday though when it hit me that all this really has happened and this is not a bad dream and this is my new reality. I kind of hate the phrase at this point “new normal.” A large part of me wants to scream the heck with the “new normal.” I don’t want to find it. I don’t want to have to find it. I don’t want any of this happening period.
I know that there are very many people that have this worse off than I do. It could have been a type 3 or 4 malignant. I’m not even going to name all of the worse things that could be happening right now, and I know that and feel the pain of that. But I also have to acknowledge that for me this sucks. For a known and self-identified control freak, not being able to drive anywhere when I get carsick all the time, not having any control over this line of tumor still in my brain, not being able to do anything about it (yes I know I can get a second opinion and I can choose my attitude and I can be thankful, but that’s not how I always feel), not having the energy to clean up the house much less care that it’s a mess….it really just stinks.
So I battled this funk all weekend. I read three books over the weekend – two ended sadly and praise God the one I read yesterday ended well. We watched Carolina make it into the College World Series which is tremendous. I spent the weekend playing with the kids and we ate good food, relaxed and I’m as always thankful for the help of my mom and Mike in keeping things together right now. On Sunday morning I had absolutely no desire to go to church. No I didn’t pull the I’m going to go to Bedside UMC this morning or Boxsprings Baptist, but I didn’t really want to go. But you know that’s what happens on Sundays…Mike goes to church and on the rare chance that I’m not preaching I get to listen to someone bring the Word. So Mom and I got the kiddos dressed and ready for church and off we went.
All morning I had been on the verge of tears and when we went into Bethel the first hymn was “O How He Loves You and Me” from the Faith We Sing 2108. That was it. I ended up having to go downstairs because I was pretty much hyperventilating crying. It’s a simple song…”O how he loves you and me! O how he loves you and me! He gave his life. What more could he give? O how he loves you; O how he loves me; O how he loves you and me.” I wasn’t upset because I didn’t believe the words. I was upset because I do believe the words. I know God loves me but that doesn’t completely change how devastating some of this is. We can feel and know God’s love and there is hope there, but sometimes all we feel is despair at all of the what if’s and could have been’s and it isn’t easy to keep on singing and praising when you’re just not there.
By the time I got it together Josh was on to the children’s sermon and then the choir played a song that Patti had learned at a UMW retreat. It’s also out of the Faith We Sing 2218 called “You are Mine.” Here are the words:
I will come to you in slence, I will lift you from all your fear. You will hear my voice, I claim you as my choice, be still and know that I am here.
I am hope for all who are hopeless, I am eyes for all who long to see. In the shadows of the night, I will be your light, come and rest in me.
Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.
I am strength for all the despairing, healing for the ones who dwell in shame. All the blind will see, the lame will all run free, and all will know my name.
I am the Word that leads all to freedom, I am the peace the world cannt give. I will call your name, embracing all your pain, stand up, now walk, and live!
Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.
I kept crying but that at least got me to the sermon which was great and much needed as well. All day I just kept struggling with this. And I finally just let it out during Phineas and Ferb and told Mom and Mike the things that I’m frustrated with and afraid of and just sick of. I don’t want to bottle this up and it keep giving me nightmares and I don’t want to take it out on my children or family, but it’s all so much sometimes that everything spills over.
Somehow though after saying it out loud to them and after eating some Fruitloops and watching the daytime Emmy’s I felt better. Last night was one of the first nights I didn’t have a nightmare and for that I am thankful. Is every day going to be easy? No. Does life sometimes really completely stink? Yes. Are there sometimes in our lives when tears of desperation are all that we can muster? Sure. Is there One who still loves us and holds us and wants the best for us even in the midst? Heck Yeah. Is that hard to handle sometimes? I think so.
I can’t help hearing that refrain from the hymn – “Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.” I guess sometimes there are things that we just have to cling to in the midst.
The kids were watching an Anne of Green Gables cartoon on PBS yesterday and I LOVE Anne of Green Gables. It was a lot of fun watching it with them and I love that Kevin Sullivan produced both the Anne that I grew up with and this new animated series. She always had a way with words saying things like not just feeling sad but being in the “depths of despair.” Funny girl. Maybe sometimes we are in the depths of despair. And that’s real. It’s not always faith, praise, and strength. Who in the heck is like that all the time? We are real people with real crud that happens and sometimes that’s not beautiful or picture perfect. There are questions. There are fears. There is struggle. I’m glad we don’t have to always have the answers and I’m glad that we don’t have to stay in the depths. May God give each of us the strength and the tenacity and the courage and the hope to keep keeping on but may we also be thankful that we can come battered and bruised and confused and despondent and that’s okay too.
There’s a song I listened to a lot as a gangly too tall teenager facing typical mean girl stuff – nothing out of the ordinary, but you know how it goes. The song is by Twila Paris and it’s called “The Warrior is a Child.” May we each know that there’s a home to run to and that it’s okay to struggle with picking up the pieces.
Once a month Mike gets Worship Leader magazine and each magazine comes with a Song DISCovery CD with new worship songs. There’s usually around 13 of them and they range from really awesome to okay. The CD this month came a couple days ago and there was a song by Ginny Owens on it called “Just as I Am.” I have since gone on Amazon and bought her latest worship CD that has a song by the same name and I’m hoping it will be the same one. I’m telling you these CD’s are helpful – they even give the song a theme and focus verse. The theme that they gave this one was “Repentance and commitment” and the focus verse is John 6:37 – “Everything that the Father gives me will come to me, and anyone who comes to me I will never drive away;” (NRSV) The song is no where on youtube but here’s a link to it http://iLike.com/s/92ZOU as just the music.
Some friends from college and I saw Ginny Owens way back in 2001 before she hit it big. It was completely random. We were on our way back from Carolina Place mall (there wasn’t much civilization in Rock Hill back then so we went to Pineville all the time) and we were listening to the Runaway Bride soundtrack in my car. We were singing at the top of our lungs the Dixie Chicks version of “You Can’t Hurry Love.” Needless to say – hilarious. Anyway as we drove down Cherry Road I saw this random homemade poster sign that Ginny Owens in Concert Tonight. I thought surely this couldn’t be true, so I dropped everyone off at their various residence halls and went back down Eden Terrace to investigate. Lo and behold, Ginny Owens was going to play in concert that night at Sullivan Middle School. How random is that?
So I call everyone up – I have no clue who even sponsored this thing – and there we went. We had barely heard of Ginny Owens at that point but she had been rocking some songs on the radio that we already loved – If You Want Me To, Be Thou My Vision, and Free to Dance and I had been reading in my CCM magazine that Michael W. Smith had signed her to Rocketown Records. I’ll never forget that night. I’m not going to go into all of Ginny’s story because that’s hers to share and I know you’ll be able to look up more info if you’d like. But Ginny is blind. We had no clue about that before going to the concert. When someone walked her out on stage I know I was shocked. And just amazed at the power of her lyrics and music and story. She has always been an inspiration and her songs resonate even years later.
It was a gift for one of her songs to be on that CD and I’m thankful for it. Can’t wait to get the new CD’s in the mail and get to hear more. It never ceases to amaze me that somehow in the midst we get those little things that spur us on and keep us going forward. We are given that bread for the journey to keep us sustained, nurtured and moving towards new life and new beginnings!
Thank y’all again for the prayers and for being my fellow journeyers. Yesterday I was pumped to get the news, last night I was exhausted and today I’m kind of in between. Thank God that we don’t have to be ready to go and “on” every day, but that sometimes we can just be – and that’s okay. My favorite response to yesterday’s news was from my crazy probably sleep deprived and sun stroked father who’s still at the college world series. I know we have both Carolina and Clemson fans out there so I’m not going to make any disparaging remarks about any particular team but I need to see if Enoch’s gamecock t-shirt still fits. Anyway – I sent out a text to family telling them the results and Dad texted back (he’s not necessarily the most adept of texters but that’s okay) “Praise the 555” and then a few seconds later “Lord.” Bahahahahahaha…who in the heck is the 555? So we called him and he said well, I wanted to make sure I capitalized Lord but then I must have mashed the wrong button and said 555. Then again I guess it’s better than 666 or KKK. Could have been a lot worse. But Praise the 555. Still making me chuckle. Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord of our lives that goes with us, beside us and before us.
Watch out for the weird wolf thing at the end…but I did like this version.
Be Thou My Vision.
Want to hear from Ginny Owens herself? Here’s some of her story.
Not going to spend too much time reporting on this and will debrief and reflect more later but we went to the neurosurgeon’s and the nurse took out the stitches – hallelujah! My head is my head again so that’s good. The pathology report says that this is a “low grade oligodendroglioma grade 2.” Right now we just hang out and I get a MRI in three months and see if it grows or not. Because they can’t determine how long it’s been there so how fast it grew the first time, they don’t really know how fast or if it will grow this time.
There are four grades – 1, 2, 3, and 4. There are a ton of websites but one that helped me was http://www.irsa.org/astrocytoma.html. So it’s not a grade 1 which is the better of the four. But it’s also not a grade 3 or 4 which are malignant. So it’s pretty awesome that it’s not malignant! I would prefer a grade 1 but hey – I’ll take a 2 over a 3 or 4 any day of the week. The group will present my tumor (those are two words you’d really not prefer to put together) next Wednesday to the tumor board and we’re supposed to call on Friday to see if there’s any change in what we’re going to do. We’re still scheduled to meet with the new neurologist in a couple weeks and get those things going but as of now unless there are changes in my symptoms like more seizures, etc. than we’re to go about life as usual. Sadly, Nicaragua is still a no go and they don’t want me to get overly exhausted, but other than that – life is good and beautiful and wonderful.
Thank you so very much for the prayers! Both nurses were shocked that I felt so good after having surgery. They couldn’t believe that I didn’t have any tingling or loss of feeling or anything besides some headaches. I know that’s y’all’s prayers at work. I know that the rapidness of my recovery and feeling as good as I do now is because of the power of those prayers and I appreciate every one of them. I’m not going to go too much farther in that because I don’t want to start crying here at the computer, but THANK YOU!!!!!!! This is good news. We’re going to claim that and believe that. And even better – life can go on as usual at least for three months so that means having fun with Mike and the kids, family and friends, getting ready for a new year at Wesley, preaching on Sundays and loving life! Hallelujah!!!!!!!!! God is good!
I’m going to close you out this afternoon with a song that I love by the group New World Son called “There is a Way.” Love it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17eWXuUTq5s
Love, love, love to each of you! Thanks for the prayers. Loving the light breaking through each day!
The two verses that the email version of the Upper Room gave me this morning were Psalm 91:1-2 “You who live in the shelter of the Most High, who abide in the shadow of the Almighty, will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress; my God, in whom I trust.” The other focus verse was Matthew 28:20, “Jesus said, “Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
So tomorrow is the big day. In some ways I feel like this is an even bigger day than surgery day but maybe that’s because I’ll be awake the whole time. I am SUPER excited to get the stitches out. I have already scheduled a fabulous wash and haircut from my beloved Robin at Kuttin’ Up for tomorrow evening. Hugely excited about all of this crusty yuckness out of my hair. Mom and Mike will go with me to the neurosurgeon’s. GiGi is going to keep the kiddos. Whatever they say – I don’t know. I’ve gone back and forth all day but at present I’m just ready to know something.
To stay occupied I had a wonderful breakfast with an amazing couple that I’m marrying in less than a month and we began to plot and plan ways of sprucing up Wesley. They’re having their reception at Wesley and I am beyond excited that we have the opportunity to give it a fresh look for their amazing occasion and to get ready for the school year. We then got to work sprucing up and I had a great lunch with a clergywoman friend – a real treat! Mike and I finished out the day picking out some new lights for Wesley and voting in the primary runoff. So some work and civic duty complete it was time to hang out with the kiddos, take them to the splash pool, enjoy some Brunswick stew, cheer on the Gamecocks (cannot believe we won but so thrilled!), watch an episode of Burn Notice and we’re now flipping between the Clemson game and some crazy shoot em up movie on AMC. It’s been a busy but good day and for that I am hugely grateful.
Dad called tonight after the Gamecocks won and in typical Dad fashion he has now made friends with the scalper who tried to break in line. Today the guy came up and apologized to him for trying to cut and said he’d try to get him good tickets to Thursday night’s game. Hilarious. This is what amazes me about my father. Even when he sticks to his guns and integrity but is kind of a hard rear, he still somehow makes these connections/relationships with people. I guess you know where you stand with him and that is awesomely refreshing compared with plenty of people that just blah blah and placate you.
It’s those relationships that are so important. A dear friend in seminary would say repeatedly, “It’s all about relationship.” And it is. There’s just something about that connection with the human spirit. That which is real in me speaking to that which is real in you. That beautiful hopeful and yet fragile humanity in each of us that calls out. We’re watching America’s Got Talent now and this guy just did this whole kite thing to the music of Sarah McLachlan’s “Arms of the Angel” and it was just astounding. Even Piers was floored by it. He said he was prepared to make fun of it but it was extraordinary. Very cool. Three yes’s. For a guy with a kite. Who would have seen that coming? That’s what’s awesome about the Susan Boyle’s and this kite guy and these random human connections that we make. Remember that hilarious wedding video from last year with everyone dancing down the aisle? Maybe it’s just sappy old me, but there’s just something so moving and human and great about these things. It somehow pierces our cynicism and the layers of dust and crud and stink that seem to sometimes cover our souls.
I just love it. I love when we’re shocked speechless by something and are blown away by the sheer force of joy or passion or just God given poignancy of something. You can’t see Susan Boyle sing and not think – wow – didn’t see that one coming. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk
If Simon Cowell can be blown away – Oh my. (I also love the girl that rolls her eyes like yeah right like this woman can sing.) You can’t watch the wedding party dance down the aisle and not get caught up in the moment of it all. They just practiced once briefly. Hilarious. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0
You can’t take part in this life we’ve been given with your eyes and ears even halfway opened and not have your foundation rocked some of the time (sometimes in a great way, sometimes in a not so great one), but the good comes with the bad, the joy comes with the mourning, the hot fudge sundaes with the brussel sprouts. It’s awesome to be able to savor the igniting of the human spirit and those shake the rafters experiences that just blow you away in the best of ways.
So as I think about diving into the unexpected tomorrow, I know that….well there are so many cliches I could write here, I’m hesitating. I could say it’s all good or it is what it is or any other random pat answers. Instead though I’m going to say the journey rocks on. And it does. We’ll keep you posted!
We just caught the end of Dirty Dancing which you can’t hear that stinking song at the end and not think about that movie – “For I’ve had the time of my life….” Mike is now watching Family Guy. Why is it every night around 10:30 when he can’t find anything to watch – we end up on TBS watching Family Guy? It never ceases to amaze me how this show is still on the air and uncensored.
The wonderful lady at the doctor’s office called and said that we will meet with the nurse and doctor on Wednesday when they will take out the stitches and will go over the pathology report and the plan of action. So Wednesday afternoon it is. At least we now know when it is. I’m trying not to complete fast forward tomorrow and Wednesday morning, but I must admit in our world of DVR – it sure would be nice to be able to fast forward some things.
Then again, I would miss such awesomely precious moments. Enoch, Evy and I have eye goop right now and the amazing Dr. Paxtor at Sunshine Pediatrics which is the best pediatric group there is by the way has us all fixed up. Enoch actually went to bed around 6 pm which is unheard of. There is no telling when that kid is going to wake up tonight so here’s to hoping for the best! Evy was her hilarious wild self until 8:30. She is one of the most adorable girly little girls. It amazes me because I’m not really a girly girl. She’s just girly. No other way to describe it – dainty and expressive and girly. She’s tough too though. When she got shots last week for her 16 month check up she didn’t even cry. I’m glad we’re raising a strong little girl. I wasn’t someone that grew up watching Dirty Dancing. Truth be told – wasn’t allowed to watch it until I was too old to really care, but as cheesy as it is, I did always like the “Nobody puts Baby in a corner” line. And since Enoch still calls Evy “Baby” most of the time, I think that’s pretty hilarious.
I like the both of our kids are so uniquely them. They are as exuberant and happy as two children can be and just as mischevious (I secretly love the mischeviousness and think it’s adorable). I like that they have their own personalities and do things in their own way and nature or nurture – they are each their own person. We have raised them the same – if Enoch wants to play with a doll or Evy a train – who cares? It’s just funny how they interact and learn and grow and change and just are.
Someone on facebook posted on Father’s Day that not all of us have had the greatest earthly father but each of us has a heavenly Father that created us and knows us intimately. She cited Psalm 139. I love this Psalm. I don’t necessarily know if facebook is the way to share that message to some random person out there that grew up with a cruddy father or if that would just tick them off more, but you never know how God will speak to some one and you can’t beat Psalm 139 for talking about the Creator. It’s the uniqueness – the whole special snow flake thing – that makes our human interaction to interesting and complicated and special. We are each uniquely created and yet all of these unique many times strong-willed individuals still somehow manage to form community. Even in the midst of our “me”-ness and our egos of being this special creation we are called to step outside of this self and reach out to the other.
Again, I think our faith is such a balance – a tricky but rewarding tight rope walk. We are each “fearfully and wonderfully made” but we are each to “deny our selves and take up our crosses.” Hmmmm…. It’s true nobody should put “Baby” or anybody in a corner, but it’s not a big group dance a la Dirty Dancing if it’s just Baby doing a solo macarena. It’s something special when everyone joins in the dancing. When we each step out of the corners of our lives and our hearts and join in the great dance all around us – that’s what makes it really special.
So I hope that even as awesomely individual as Enoch and Evy are – that they know not only that they are special and unique and loved but that they are part of a larger story and dance that encompasses us all in mighty ways together.
Mike’s flipped it to the World Cup now. I think that’s a sign to stop blogging. Will try my best not to fast forward to Wednesday and will seek to live in the moment and in the precious time in the present – even if waiting completely stinks sometimes. Love to each of you! And thanks for your dance!
Blessings on the Journey 