Tag: health

Posted in Death, Dreams, Future, God, Health, Impossible, Romans 4, Tired, Trust, Tumor

A little too much…

Posted on by narciejeter

I don’t know why but it’s been a hard couple of days in thinking about brain tumor land. Don’t worry nothing new – no change. This sounds so morbid, but on Saturday night I dreamed that I died – literally – and then went to heaven. Let’s just say in my dream, heaven was not what I expected. The pros – my three cats greeted me at the entrance. Who knows what that means…could be because two weeks ago I found out that the oldest cat Pug is in the beginning stages of kidney and renal failure or then again it could be because they greet me at the door all the time and any time they have thrown up a hair ball somewhere or made another mess Mike likes to threaten them. =0)

I don’t remember a ton about the dream or how things were laid out or anything and I am not at all saying that this is what it’s like or any sort of premonition at all (is that enough disclaimers there?), but I spent the dream waiting for people to get there. Now I know that heaven is heaven and duh we’re not going to be miserable sitting around swinging our legs back and forth waiting for the rest of our family to get there, but that was the dream. It sucked. Royally.

I didn’t really tell anyone about it until yesterday primarily because I had been thinking about it a lot and I know that if I say something out loud or if I write about it, in some crazy way, that helps me to process and make sense of things.

And then brain tumor stuff has just been popping up everywhere – wonderful friends checking in, a minister on the conference prayer list that we should be praying for, on everyone’s cancer statuses yesterday which was great, me still trying to get hair gel to smooth down the little hairs from the scar that are now long enough to look a little ridiculous, and the sometimes headaches and tingling that I often ignore but sometimes in one of these moods, wonder about. It is so stinking frustrating sometimes. On Sunday at the South Carolina delegation meeting we listened to a presentation on Benefits and Pension for close to two hours hearing about possible changes at the upcoming General Conference. When talking about life insurance and death benefits and spouses and pensions and insurance and disability for that long there is a large part of me that wants to just think of this as a tiny bump in the road and things are going to be fine and I’ll make it to the mandatory retirement age of 70. It could happen. I know that it could. And there’s another part of me that wants to figure out ways to provide and care for my family no matter what will happen and looking at all scenarios have as much of a plan as I can.

For the most part, I don’t even like bringing it up because I know if I talk to Josh about it while playing basketball or Mike about it when we get home from Wesley or to whoever in some ways, especially for my family, it stresses them out too. They don’t know what’s going to happen any more than I do.

It’s scary. And there’s still a part of me that is angry and frustrated that this is even part of our lives. There’s enough to worry about with kids and bills and living out one’s calling and vocational discernment to actually deal with all of this.

So that’s where I am. Saying to God it may just be a little too much and that I’m a little tired of battling in so many areas.

Are pastors “supposed” to say that? Who knows. But if I don’t keep it real and have my integrity than to me I’m nothing but a hypocrite and someone in denial.

The irony of this is that last night I preached during our sermon series on the book of Romans about God making impossible things possible. We were specifically looking at Romans 4 where it talks about Abraham and his faith. We then had some time of silence at the end where we could have a chance to think about some things that we would see or do or figure out or try or find if only we didn’t have doubts or fears or even sometimes “reality” holding us back. What would you do with your life if you could do absolutely anything and money nor education nor baggage nor what people would think were obstacles for you? What are some of your hopes and dreams for your family, your friends, your community, your church, your work? If we threw all of the “buts” out the window what would we grasp hold of and pursue?

What are the things that get in the way of that? What are some things we need to let go of in order to move forward and try to make our dreams into a reality?

These aren’t questions that you wrestle with for five minutes and than you’re good to go. Or maybe that works for you. I find that I have to intentionally pray and meditate and think and actually force myself to look and open my eyes and heart to the possibilities while telling my fears and frustration and failures to “shut it” for a few minutes so that I can see the light.

Because sometimes it feels like it’s a little too much. Actually sometimes it feels like it’s a lot too much. As excited as I was to move from 3 months to 6 months in the amount of MRI checks, there is a scared part of me that is nervous about that. What if that’s 3 months of something growing and us not doing something about it? I know that my doctors would never have let me go longer if I wasn’t ready to, but that’s what fears do…they somehow make it where even the things you want, you’re nervous about because you’re still feeling a way into a “new normal” or any kind of normal for that matter.

Then you go down the list of all of the people that have it so much worse than you and that things could be a million times more terrible….but that’s not comforting. I don’t want anyone to be going through anything like tumors or cancer or sickness and uncertainty of any kind. Does it mean that you’re thankful for all that God has done, is doing and will do? Sure. I have no idea what I would do without that. I need those times between me and God where I can say what I need to say and cry out and wrestle and not be censored by anyone.

We need time to sit and rest and be with God. We need time to let our fears and frustrations and disillusionment and grief go so that we can let new life spring forth not just in the midst of the weeds randomly despite everything, but in ways that we nurture and water and grow.

So I guess in this rambling post that may not be for anyone except for me writing and figuring this out – I need to find and make time to discern and be open to what God would have me do in this time and place, what God is calling my family to do, our community to do, Wesley to do. I need to trust that it’s okay that sometimes it’s a little too much and it can be heartbreaking and angering and discouraging and annoying. I need to realize that God is bigger than all of this – crazy dreams, long talks on benefits and pensions, things in my life playing up to my fears – and that God is with me and walking with me and comforting me each step of the way even when I want to bless the world and God out sometimes.

Posted in Community, Faith, God's Providence, Grace, Healing, Health, Thankful, Theodicy, Tumor

Update on that Spongy thing inside my Noggin’

Posted on by narciejeter

  I am completely slacking on blogs right now which breaks all the rules of regular blogging.  Sorry about that!  I’ll catch up soon.  Right now I’m at a great conference and have tried to be as fully invested in it as possible, but there has been a part of me distracted.  Some of you that began following this blog when I started writing after finding out that I had a brain tumor and you walked with me through that journey and the recovery and even though the blog has become a little bit something different, I do still want to give you an update on that good ole brain of mine because I believe that this community of support has been invaluable and really a holy presence in my life and I can’t imagine my life without your prayer and support.

I have been doing 3 month MRI and neurosurgeon check ups over the past year.  For the most part, I try to keep moving with life and I give a sincere and concerted effort not to let these worries and fears rule over my life.  Then comes the time when I get the envelope from Carolina Spine and Neurosurgery in the mail with all of my appointment times and as Mike and I see it, I can feel the background stress and tension in me and those I love.  The unknown is so completely…humbling…scary…difficult.  There’s so much to unpack there but that would be an incredibly long blog and mine are already probably way too long.

Last week I went to my (I don’t really care to remember how many its been now) whatevereth MRI and the techs were asking how I was doing and what I was there for, all that good stuff and I told them my hope that maybe this was the visit where I could be increased to every 6 months or every year instead of every 3 months.

On Monday I met with the neurosurgeon and he said that it was the radiologist’s opinion that the part of the tumor still up there in brain/motor cortex land may have grown slightly but that it was very slight.  His opinion was that he didn’t see a change and disagreed with the radiologist.  We then had a lovely back and forth where I looked at the comparison MRI’s myself and tried to understand and that I got a chance to ask some hard questions.  Since Mike was not with me, I could ask some of the things that I want to know and would like to understand but that I don’t want to alarm, worry or hurt someone else by them hearing the questions or the answers.  Does that make sense?

So even though it was not my most favorite news in the world, I was okay.  My amazing doctor said he was going to take the tumor to the tumor board for them to decide if it had grown or not.  I called Mike and my parents on the way home and was okay.

Primarily I was okay because I was leaving the next morning for a conference and I just didn’t have the emotional energy or the whatever to process it.

Yesterday afternoon while I was in a workshop, the doctor left a message and when I hear him say his name I immediately get a little freaked out on the inside even though he’s a fabulous doctor – like fabulous – but it’s just anxiety producing.  But then he says an AMAZING thing – the tumor board doesn’t see any change.  AND because this place on my lovely brain has stayed consistent this year, I get to stretch the time between MRI’s to 6 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (I could probably mash exclamation points for a while on that one.)  That may seem like a little thing, but it’s such an act of hope and grace and peace to me.

And though I didn’t shed a tear on Monday, I couldn’t stop crying off and on yesterday evening.  Is that crazy?  The bad news – I take it and I’m like let’s do this thing.  The good news – I’m a basketcase.  In talking with a dear friend and colleague about this last night I told her as I was trying to process and express my layers of feelings that I really needed to blog about this.  For some odd, crazy reason this is how I started this journey – blogging.  And it has been such a healing and cathartic piece or even peace for me.  There’s something about putting it out there in writing and narrative that makes it something that I feel a little more grounded in.  I guess we each have our mediums – whether it’s walking outside or making pottery or playing baseball or journaling.  And I am thankful for this one.

In the midst of this I know that there are those walking incredibly hard and deep and heartbreaking journeys right now.  I think of the family members that are living this reality right now and the friends and loved ones who have faced challenges that I know not of.  Please do lift up in prayer those who are in the midst of the struggle of the unknown and in this thin place where anger and fear and sadness and grief and life and death and joy and pain are so close to the surface at times.  Each of us walks this journey at times.

And we’re not alone.

I have seen Christ in the colleagues that I’ve shared with here and that continue to uplift and inspire and challenge and hold me accountable.  I have seen Christ in my family who continue to battle for me.  I have seen Christ in the countless people that continue to tell me they’re praying for me or those that just give me space to be…and to feel…and to just cry or laugh or talk about it or not talk about it.  I have seen Christ when I’m by myself and I am vulnerable and just laid bare as a child of God.  Although there is no doubt that I would not have chosen for this piece of the puzzle of life, I have felt Christ’s Spirit and promise more tangibly and have felt the Body of Christ more profoundly and genuine than I have felt in my life.

I am grateful for a community of people that I can keep it real with on the sad days and the angry days and the joyous days and the rock and roll days.  I am grateful for a Savior who continues to be that Great Redeemer and Strong Protector and just that Amazing Grace who support us and girds us up in mighty, mighty ways.

So that’s my brain.

And one of the awesome things – 6 MONTHS!!!!!

Grace and peace to all of you.  I am gratefu for you all.

Posted in Death, Faith, Health, Tumor

Would life change for you?

Posted on by narciejeter

I know I haven’t posted much about the tumor lately and to be honest I haven’t wanted to.  This is not because I haven’t been thinking about it but the opposite.  I think this summer when everything happened, I didn’t really process or take the time to think about everything because it was so fast and then it was the school year and semester and you know how crazy that is.  With a little bit of a break over the past couple of weeks, it’s been tough.  I have a friend who says she only blogs on the bad days, but for some reason, I don’t.  I’m not saying that I haven’t had challenging days and hard days and have not blogged, but when I’m really wrestling with something, I just don’t always want to articulate or “sermonize” it.

After Christmas I did my latest MRI and the next day went and saw the neurosurgeon.  He said there was no change, so the little line of tumor on the motor cortex hasn’t grown and for that I’m thankful.  He didn’t really say anything new, but for some reason I took it more to heart.  I asked him whether I should get off of the seizure medicine or not and he said that was up to the neurologist but he also warned that it is more likely that I will have another symptom whether seizure or otherwise before an MRI would actually pick up a change.  Then he said that it’s not a question of if the tumor will come back, but when.

Now, I know that he’s said this before and I know that this type usually recurs but for some reason it hit me worse this time.  I think it’s because there’s a huge part of me and a sense from a lot of the people around me that everything’s fine now and back to normal and that I have to lead my life as I’ve always lived it.  And I do really want to do that.  It’s hard to tell if I should just go about business as usual or if my life really has changed completely.

I am a huge fan of wikipedia.  That may be completely against my English teacher self and I know it’s not always right or accurate but if you want something quick and consise – especially when I’m trying to figure out history during the Tudors or looking up actors or actresses – it’s a great site.  Did you know that I didn’t even look up “oligodendrogioma” which is the tumor that I had/still have a piece of?  Didn’t even think about it in the rush of the summer and semester.  The diagnosis and the treatment and much of the article follows exactly what we’ve been doing and I didn’t even think to look there.

Now part of me is glad that I didn’t.  I didn’t know that the median survival times for a grade 2 is 11.7 years or for a grade 3 is 3.5 years.  That’s a median I know and as the doctor said I could still live to be 80.  But how does knowing that information affect my life?

Not that we ever know specifics or a particular time table but if you knew you had say 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 years to live, how would that affect how you live your life?  Would it?  Would you change what you eat or how much you exercise or if you take your vitamins?  Would you spend more time with friends and family and try to make more meaningful relationships?  Would you change careers or look at fulfilling your hearts desire in a different vocation?  Would you live your life differently?

I’m not talking about Tim McGraw’s, “Live Like You Were Dying” song and sky diving and rocky mountain climbing – love the song but that’s too cheesy of segue for even me to post.  I’m asking a real question.  How would you live your life differently?  Or would you?  Maybe it’s better just to keep on keeping on and keep fighting and do the best you can and not change anything.  Or maybe we should be living our abundant lives to the fullest every day regardless of any prognosis, time table, or outcome?

I don’t know.  I don’t quite know how I feel about this yet or if this changes anything.  I know that I believe that prayer is powerful.  I know that when I read that article or I read other materials about this tumor that it is miraculous that I have come away from this with very little deficits – not being able to remember names and numbness and tingling every now and then is significantly different than what could have happened.  I thank each of you and my community folks for this.  I know that God walks with those on the 3.7 year side as well as those that live to be 80 and that God’s mercy, love and grace is shown to each.  I know that we all have “stuff” to deal with and for each of us it can be a long and winding road.

When I think about New Year’s resolutions or I think about the future, I think very much of how we live our life.  How do we let our lives speak?  Would you live your life differently knowing…?”

Here are some quotes from the beloved Parker Palmer:

“Verbalizing is not the only way our lives speak, of course. They speak through

our actions and reactions, our intuitions and instincts, our feelings and bodily

states of being, perhaps more profoundly than through our words.”

“Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic self-hood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks–we will also find our path of authentic service in the world.”

“We need a coat with two pockets. In one pocket there is dust, and in the other pocket there is gold. We need a coat with two pockets to remind us who we are.”

“Humility is the only lens though which great things can be seen–and once we have seen them, humility is the only posture possible.”

“As a young man, I yearned for the day when, rooted in the experience that comes only with age, I could do my work fearlessly. But today, in my mid-sixties, I realize that I will feel fear from time to time for the rest of my life. I may never get rid of my fear. But . . . I can learn to walk into it and through it whenever it rises up . . . naming the inner force that triggers . . . fear . . . Naming our fears aloud . . . is the first step toward transcending them.”

Posted in Health, Tumor

No Negative is Positive

Posted on by narciejeter

So that’s what the doctor said today.  No negative change is positive news.  Mike and I went to see Dr. Smith today and he showed us the scans.  I like to have visuals so I’m glad he showed them to us.  There’s still a bright part that could be scar tissue, swelling or still some of the tumor – but as Mike said – there’s no new players in the band.  Ie. there are no new negative things.  So that is good!

Mike started asking a lot of questions in typical deep voice, serious form and Dr. Smith responded, “Right…you’re the questions guy.”  That was funny.  He asked why the image still looked like that with like a hole there and he said that I would never have another normal looking brain MRI again.  The brain doesn’t grow back and the tumor was in part of the brain matter so therefore some of it is gone.  Very little though.  Ridiculously I was taking it very personally that Mike was talking about my brain and part of it not being there even though I know I’m still me and I’m okay.  Anyway, the funniest thing of the afternoon – Mike says well we only use a small percentage of our brains anyway, and Dr. Smith says something along the lines of well she didn’t really need that part anyway.  Yay!

Mike is excited by all of this news!  No negative change is a positive report.  We’ll keep doing MRI’s every 3 months for awhile and we’ll see what happens.  Dad on the phone earlier asked what could have made the news perfect?  Well that my brain is normal of course.  That it’s not always going to look like that on an MRI.  That there’s no bright smudgy line that’s still there.

But hey – I’ll take “No negative is positive” any day of the week.  This paired with some folks dropping off some paper towels as donations to Wesley – have made the day sunny again – and even in my un-air conditioned building – that is good.

Posted in Campus Ministry, Community, Health, Music, Prayers, Suffering

It’s been hopping

Posted on by narciejeter

If I’m ever not blogging it’s because I’m swamped or maybe even more than I’d like to admit – I’m afraid to “voice” something.  A friend of mine who I love commented on my facebook a few weeks ago when she heard about the campus ministry funding cut – something along the lines of “feeling like Job lately?”

Don’t want to go there because I’m not asking for any other challenges headed this way, but after going to Presbyterian’s Ballantyne office for the MRI yesterday I returned to Wesley to find that our air conditioner has officially passed on to the other side.  When there’s an explosion and smoke and then the awesomely amazing Adams Services guy shows you wires burned in two and half the thing on the inside is black and no fans are moving – that’s not a good sign.

It’s an even worse feeling when he has to bring in the “big guns,” ie. the owner of the company to give me the bad news that it’s good and gone and they can’t rig it up any other way.  The thing worked hard for us so I am thankful for that.  I’m also thankful that it’s not too hot so far today and no one tell the Wesley students that there won’t be a/c tonight – we’ll make do and I want them to still come!

I couldn’t sleep for a long time last night trying to figure out where in the world we’re going to get $8,000-$11,000 for an air conditioner and even more importantly for the winter – the heat pump so that it’s not just straight up gas heat.  I looked up grants and wow that us.gov sight is a monstrosity of crazy info.  I know that somehow, someway we’ll come up with the money to make this happen.  Somehow we always do and I know that God and the people that support this ministry are faithful.

For the past two days Mike has been recording with Tom Conlon in the worship/fellowship room at Wesley.  Many have said this room’s acoustics are like magic and even without AC, the magic room came through.  In walking up to the building this morning and rolling up the trash cans and recycle bins I began to ask myself why do I care about this building so much?  Why do I care about this space?  In the sceme of things what does it really matter?  When there’s bills to pay and things to repair – what stops us from just chucking it all?

My answer is both simple and sincere.  There is magic that happens here.  Tears are rolling down my face just thinking about it which makes me either really sappy or beyond emotional.  This is not a Harry Potter kind of magic but one that happens when community is formed and shaped and grows and changes and is found.  This building is so much more than just a building to me because both as a student and as a campus minister I have witnessed the powerful things that have happened here.  We have shared much laughter and some tears, we have shared in worship and I have seen someone’s call to ministry unfold at an Ash Wednesday service, we have cooked dinner as family and have hung out as friends.  This is part of what the students mean when they talk about Wesley being a home away from home. 

Yesterday after getting back from the MRI I talked to a student who has been coming here for 2 and a half years to use the prayer room several times a week.  He’s only been to one Wesley night but he comes and uses the prayer room as often as he can.  Yesterday he stopped me in the hall and said thank you for us providing this space for him and for people just to come and be.

I think about the student groups and the gospel choirs and the other campus ministries that use this place and how this building and the things that it stands for and witnesses to is greater than we know.  Yes it is just a building – with windows that aren’t the greatest, an exterior paint job that needs some help, and a vacant lot that is probably one of the worst parking lots imaginable – but it is ours and it is home to both the sacred and the sacrilege – the holy and the profane – the mysterious divine and the completely human.

So we’re going to somehow make this work.  Somehow.  By the grace of God and a lot of prayer and hopefully some creative solutions.

Today at 1:15 pm we’ll go to the neurologist and see what’s up.  Do I think a tumor has grown back?  Nope.  Was I very tempted to ask the MRI folks yesterday?  Heck yes.  Am I apprehensive?  Sure.

Ann Curry tweeted this this morning – “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen.” – Elizabeth Kubler Ross

The only way I see this beauty is through the eyes of the community that surrounds us.  We get to the other side by the grace of God, the One who sustains us, and those that God has joined with us on this journey.  As I wait and hear what’s up today and as I begin trying to figure out that ever lovely money question for air conditioners and programming and all that Wesley jazz – I am thankful for the arms that cradle each of us in both the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the joy and the loss.

I’ll leave you with a song that Tom Conlon played at Wesley a few weeks ago.  Love this song.  It’s called “Leaning”…

Here’s his “Sacred Things”

Posted in affliction, Campus Ministry, Faith, Health, Music, perseverance, Tumor, U2

So in reading about afflictions…

Posted on by narciejeter

Affliction is such a yuck word.  Don’t you think?  Affliction.  Doesn’t sound good at all?  I just googled it and did you know there’s an Affliction clothing line?  Why in the world would you want “Affliction” clothing?

The Upper Room this morning was on 2 Corinthians 1:3-7.  It begins with, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all consolation, who consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God.”

I wrote about the race earlier and about perseverance and some of our afflictions sure do take some perseverance.  This is the first week of school at Winthrop and could arguably be one of our busiest weeks of the year.  We’ve been doing our thing here at Wesley and things are going pretty well – it’s great meeting new people and love, love, love connecting and catching up with our returning Wesley folks!

But this is tiring….and draining….and so many more depleting adjectives.  It doesn’t seem like it’s just student life, but everywhere it seems that folks are tired right about now as we all get into the swing of a school year.

I admit that at times I am frustrated – I can’t remember things I used to.  I am really tired and the typical adrenaline boost is not kicking in.  I just can’t gear up for this right now – the energy reserves are not there.  I also finally got the letter scheduling the next MRI and surgeon’s appointment – September 14th MRI and September 15th the brain surgeon.

I’d like to think that I can do this normal welcome back wohoo wesley thing no problem and the same as always, but if I’m honest with myself – it’s not the same.  I can’t run around like a crazy person and not feel those affects.  Humbling.  Frustrating.  Frightening.  Freeing?

We get so caught up in a numbers game – so caught up in how much can we produce?  Who is coming to Wesley?  How many?  Who showed up for church on Sunday? How much money is our company making?  What did we do today?  There’s such a focus on numbers and what we do that we forget to just be and that we don’t have to do it all.  I write that, but do I mean that?  Josh and I were talking about numbers and church/Wesley/what is the crazy thing called ministry stuff this week and I know that when pastors say we shouldn’t focus on the numbers, that can sometimes mean they’re just using that as a justification for the size of the body of folks that they work with.  But sometimes I really do question numbers…is that all that there is to say that you’re doing something?  Do we get so caught up in proving that something is happening at our churches or in our classes or in our workplaces or in our lives that we miss the blessings and consolations that God gives us along the way?  Or do we miss being those blessings and consolations to others because we’re more concerned about the to-do lists and keeping up with “that” family or company or church or whatever?

I wonder what would happen if we didn’t just feel frustrated by some of these things that seem to limit us or tie us down but we could flip that and feel the freedom from the endless search for perfection and the chance to claim even our inabilities, sufferings, and crud for the grace and strength of God?  I can believe that at the beginning of the day reading the Upper Room.  It’s harder to believe at the end of a day wondering where it all went and how the list never gets shorter.

Maybe we just need to give ourselves a break…

U2’s “Walk On” is on my itunes dj right now.  Maybe that’s what we do from all the things that can weigh us down – we walk on.  Some of our afflictions may go with us, but we can trust that God is with us and we walk on.

“Leave it behind
You’ve got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme…”

Posted in Culture, Faith, Family

Even the trashy Philippa Gregory novels…

Posted on by narciejeter

Okay so my thinking of “for such a time as this” extends far beyond just Ms. Esther.  I really do believe that God brings things into our lives for particular journeys.  No this is not everything happens for a reason or just the beginning of “For Good” ie. “People come into our lives for a reason…”  Nope.  I’m talking about reading that book or hearing that song or getting that email or reading that billboard or whatever at just the right time and that be a little message to keep you hanging on and keeping on.

So I’ve never totally loved the raunchy romances of life.  I am one of those people that like Christian romances.  Yep, that aisle in the bookstores that says Christian fiction welp I used to make a home there.  Okay, I’m out.  There’s a whole shelf in Wesley dedicated to these treasures of mine.  Love Robin Jones Gunn.  Love Linda Chaikin.  Love, love, love them!  When I was at Emory some of the students gave me a Christian dating book in tribute to these crazy books of mine even though I was long married at that point.  There’s something about a good story and the Lord of all driving it that makes me happy – I like both the passion and the faith.  Now my grandmother loved books.  Good golly I can’t even remember a time til her dying day that she didn’t have a book beside her.  Mine go with me in my gigantic pocketbooks.  I have no idea how she kept hers so neat except that she probably didn’t have as much candy and kid junk in her bags.  But Ganny liked all sorts of book – including the occasional I would say trashy romance.  So there was a time that I picked up The Other Boleyn Girl on a flight and thought what in the world is all this sex and craziness?  Such is the reaction when you grow up reading the Christian versions…  However, now in this stage of life when such things cease to surprise me anymore, I have found a new at least so-so feeling towards this author that blends history and romance.

My brother Caleb just earned his history degree from the University of South Carolina and his last paper was on Richard III – interesting guy.  This is the Richard portrayed in Gregory’s book The White Queen and the one who may or may not have murdered the two princes in the tower.  I know I’ve lost half of you now, but I promise to get to the rambling point (some of you are like – dude this is how she preaches – she just needs to get to the point).  Anyway, I hated that book in a lot of ways.  Loved the romance, loved the survival, but hated it for that mother to lose her children like that and her husband and all that yuck.  In the meantime though I picked up another one of her books, The Constant Princess.  This one is about Katherine of Aragon.  Interesting story.  I’m less than 150 pages into it and I already want to stop reading it because at this point everything’s happy and knowing the little bit about British history that I do, it ain’t going to be happy long.  What I got though for this time and in this place is that this lady and many before her knew how to survive.  She’s a daughter of Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand and much of her identity is that she is this royal princess that’s going to kick butt.  (Okay Renee I know you don’t like when I use butt, but it is what it is.)  This queen stuff is crazy and I wholly believe that this whole royal thing in these books is crazy and that the whole business was completely dirty, but I think about what my brother Josh writes to us in letters and what I read from in this past week’s lectionary from 1 Kings.  We are children of the Most High God.

We are children of the Most High God.  That’s not a phrase that I’ve particularly jived with over the years, but it’s growing on me in this context.  This doesn’t mean that I’m going to start walking around with a long train and royal septer, I want to say bahahahaha to that.  But it does mean that I can do this.  I am a child of God and that’s all I have to be.  period.  Philippa Gregory may not speak to you and heck she may not speak to me again, but I think it’s absolutely amazing that we have a God that is not someone that looks at us from afar but is a God that gets messy and personal and in the mix with us and somehow in the midst of our insane little worlds breaks in and gives us what we need to keep going, no matter how random that may be.

Don’t know if I’ll finish the book but I got what I needed for the journey.

Posted in Family, Health, Music, Tumor

Not going for that annual quite yet…

Posted on by narciejeter

Hi y’all!  So as always there are highs and lows in a day.  (Can’t decide whether watching The Bachelorette right now is a high or a low…much better on fast forward to the decent parts.)  Mike and I dropped off the CD of the previous MRI/CT Scan at the neurosurgeon’s, I got a quick lesson on all this brain stuff from a wonderful Emory friend, and our GPS got us to Carolinas Medical Center.  I’ve never been to the real one – just having babies at the one in Pinevile.

We parked way far away because we had no clue where to go but we finally figured it out and it made for a beautiful day to walk.  Filled out some more forms and then got to talk to the anesthesologist and a nurse.  I’ll get to the hospital at 11:15 am and they’ll take all of us up to the 5th floor and get them settled in the waiting room, will bring me in, I’ll get to see everyone one last time, and then we’ll begin.  They’ve blocked out the room for up to three hours.  I should be in the neurointensive care for at least one night and then in the hospital 3-5 days.  Okay.  There we go.  So then giving a couple more tubes of blood, we were back in the sunshine.

Time to hit up Rock Bottom Brewery.  Completely randomly they sat us in the same booth that we were in over 9 years ago when we talked to Mike’s parents about us getting engaged and began wedding planning with them.  Oh, ironic.  In the midst of this I get a phone call and it’s not a number I recognize and let me tell you – we are screening some calls these days.  So Mike answers “Narcie’s phone, Mike speaking” and I think okay he’ll probably be on there for a while but quickly he hands it over to me and whispers “OB-Gyn.”  I’m thinking what in the heck do they want at this point?  And the very nice lady says, Mrs. Jeter you haven’t scheduled your annual appointment yet.  I know I probably should have just penciled it in to the looming calendar that I had in my pocketbook but I couldn’t help myself and said – welp, I was told a week ago I have a brain tumor and they’re operating on it on Friday and I don’t think I’ll be getting to that appointment any time soon.  LOL.  We both had a good laugh.  She said to call back any time.  It’s important – keep in good health people – but not in the scheme of things right now.

I didn’t realize until today being in there that my life is going to change for awhile.  I mean I’ve had that realization in pieces over the past week and a half but Mike and I also decided at a certain point that I needed to live my life as normally as possible.  In the midst of that though I’m now thinking oh wow what do I need to do before Friday?  We went and bought some books and some toys for Enoch and Evy for the days to come.  I got to play with the kiddos in the bath tonight and put both of them to bed.  Mike asked the nurse today if when I come back home, I can really come back home.  In other words – in our world here there is no rest, Mommy napping, etc.  There is Silly 1 and Silly 2 – my two wild and crazy E’s.  She said we’ll have to ask the doctor.  Should be interesting.

Tomorrow Enoch will go back to school, Evy will have our 16 month check up, and I’ll do some work at Wesley for one of the last times before Friday.  Then we’ll head to MRI land and will see what Presbyterian Hospital looks like.  This has been a sort of weird medical scavenger hunt.

Earlier I posted one of my favorite Laura Story songs.  I actually like most of her new CD – great stuff!  One of my all time favorites of hers though was when she was with Silers Bald and it’s called “Grace.”

  Glad that we can start each morning with mercies anew and grace afresh!  Check it out…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FribXzqHVE

Posted in Faith, Family, Health, Music, Television, Tumor

MTV Movie Awards

Posted on by narciejeter

I am totally not telling you to watch them because they are rather disturbing this year and there are so many things being bleeped out that you can’t understand half of it but it is pretty funny.

Mike walked in earlier and he’s like “What are you smiling at?” Guess I haven’t done that much today, and I’m like “They’re giving an award to Sandra Bullock and they’re showing clips from her movies.” So we got sucked in. Although now he’s flipping back and forth between hockey and basketball. It’s a night with absolute nothing on tv and all sorts of things to watch on tv all at the same time.

Thank y’all for the prayers! It had to be prayer that got me through this morning. I totally didn’t crash until after church and I know that had to be prayer so thank you!

The rest of the day today and yesterday has been good – hanging out with the kids, going to the park and the pool and watching Enoch play with his new trains, and watching Evy in her new dresses and bows. It’s been good. And there’s been great food (Mike’s grandmother sent chocolate-covered strawberries – who could ask for better?).

I know this is going to be a crazy week with highs and lows and it’s all going to be fine, but I’m tired and it’s a tired day. Enoch has been staying up til all hours of the night not wanting to sleep, don’t know if he feels the energy in the air or if he needs to not ever take naps anymore!

So not much to report in Jeterland today. Tomorrow begins the week of craziness and thankfully the kids will begin summer preschool in the morning so here’s to a good start for them! Thank you all for the prayers and support! I am deeply humbled, overwhelmed and hugely thankful for them. Much love!

Posted in Culture, Faith, Family, Health, Methodism, Television, Tumor

Everybody Loves Raymond

Posted on by narciejeter

So the episode is on right now when Raymond gives Debra the “happy pills” to take care of her PMS. It cracks me up every time. I know some people are not fans of the show but when there’s nothing on TV like there’s not really tonight and you want a little amusement – this works.

We had a great 3rd birthday for Enoch tonight! And we’re all pooped now. GiGi picked up a great dinner from Sahara (a Mediterranean restaurant in Rock Hill that we hope will make it because it’s delicious!), the Choo-choo cake was ready to go and Mac Mac and Uncle Josh put together the new wagon. Grammy even gave the kids a bath. I don’t think Enoch could decide which gift he liked more or which ones he wanted to sleep with – the choo choos, guitar, or fish game and finally with the reading of a story, he went to sleep. What a day/night!

To keep you updated with the latest in doctor land, we went to see the neurologist today. Nope, he is not the same as the neurosurgeon, although I never knew those were the same, but hey what do I know? So several pieces of paperwork filled out (I am so excited about the technology being created where all of your medical info is in one place, I can even begin to contain my hope – we need to all invest in it.) and lots of questions later, we ended up with more appointments.

I know that all of these doctors/medical folk need answers and that they’re hearing it for the first time and I should be nice and tell them the whole thing again, but part of me wanted to say – read the blog. Or read the chart. Or communicate with the others. No, I don’t remember if one side shook more than the other. Nope, I don’t think one side was slower than the other probably because I landed on one side. Nope, I haven’t had any seizures before. Sure I can close my eyes and put my arms out and touch my nose with my fingertips (I have now done this for three doctors.)

I am thankful for these questions because I know they need this info and thorough is good. But boy is it frustrating. A friend of mine called shortly after and I was telling him that I think our insurance is going to hate me and he very hilariously said that by the end of this I’m going to be for Obama-care. (No I do not want to debate this and I love you but I don’t want a gazillion op-eds on healthcare reform.) It just made me think a lot about the privilege it is to be able to go to all these different people and have them each treat me. I mean this thing happened a week ago right now. A week ago possibly from this very moment and I’ve been to an er, done a gazillion tests, been driven back to SC by an amazing Edward, been supported and loved by family, been hugely humbled and amazed by the support and prayers of a larger community than I knew existed, gone to see a neurosurgeon and a neurologist. Everyone doesn’t have support like this. Everyone doesn’t have care like this. And I’m complaining about filling out forms. And I am still complaining. It’s annoying. But at least I have that opportunity. I feel like I’ve got so little answers to give but what if I had absolutley no info or answers and I hadn’t even seen anyone yet?

So what do we know today – the neurologist here likes the seizure meds that the neurologist in Virginia gave me so he gave me some more refills on that. He reminded me about the 6 months no driving thing (that still sort of stinks). And he scheduled a sleep deprived EEG for the end of June. What is a sleep deprived EEG you ask? Well, apparently I go to bed at 10 pm and wake up at 2 am and then stay awake without drinking caffeine or eating chocolate and then I go get an EEG at 7:30 am. What that is checking I have no idea, but that’s where I’ll be early in the morning on June 26th.

The only other new info I have is that I got the folder for pre-op, op, and post-op today. Now that is exciting. Still haven’t looked up what this surgery is exactly but a wise nurse friend told me that it would be better to read what it is after the surgery than to gross myself out before. So pre-op on Monday, MRI and functional MRI which apparently has cool colors on Tuesday, and surgery on Friday.

I’m telling you I love this show. Marie just said, “Frank we’re having company.” And he answers, “They better like swearing.” LOL. I like this show because it’s real. And I love y’all my massively amazing community because you’re real. I love that your joining together across the web for the simple fact that I love people being community together but also because it makes me happy that our “connection” is alive and well. I’m not just talking about the United Methodist one although you know I believe that too, but I’m talking about the connection of people of faith, that belief that there is a different world possible. The hope that if we all could unite together we could change our worlds – one can of soup or smile or vote or radical choice at a time.

It’s the life – the every day – the Everybody Loves Raymond moments that are the meat – the good stuff. These are the things we cherish. These are the opportunities that we take for granted but we should be oh so thankful for. The times that we let loose and were our real, God created selves, warts, tiaras and all.

So may we find grace in the little things. May we see the marks on the walls, the scuffs on our shoes, and the grooves in our paths not as just tired wear and tear but as the everyday treasures of grace, hope, and keep on keepin’ on that make it all worth it! Praise God that it’s not all smoothed out and clean – how boring would that be! Will continue to keep you posted. Thanks for the prayers! Keep rockin it out!