Category: Health

Posted in Faith, Family, Health, Methodism, Tumor

Figured it out.

Posted on by narciejeter

Fear is a powerful thing.  My greatest fear growing up was that something would happen to my family and that I would be all alone.  I still have that fear now.  If someone is not in the right place at the right time, it’s in the back of my head.  Maybe that makes me crazy or hypervigilant or just weird.  A very definite possiblity.

When I was doing CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) at Scottish Rite Children’s Hospital in Atlanta I learned a great deal about loss and death and everything in between.  People always want some sort of reason…some sort of answer…something they can cling to and trust and know.  In the 17 on call nights that we had, there was only 1 that I didn’t have sort of call and this happened to be the Friday night that I was frantically working on my probationary member Board of Ordained ministry papers finishing up at the last second as normal in my world of procrastination.  I think everyone was praying for no calls that night and I was able to email the papers to Mike, he printed them out back at our home in Decatur and then mailed them in fed ex right before midnight.  Craziness.

Anyway, to say the least, CPE was a life-changing experience for me.  I maybe crazily got a lot out of it and learned a ton about myself.  Dealing with tragedy in the lives of children was tough as heck and has made me a somewhat paranoid parent in being overly cautious with hotdogs, the pool, second story windows, monkey bars and all sorts of random things.  On my second to last on call I performed my first baptism on a few weeks old dying baby.  I had never done a baptism before and didn’t even really know what to do, but it ended up being one of the most special experiences I have shared with anyone as this life returned back to God.  In the midst of this I got word that a 6 month old was in the ER from a car accident downstairs.  I stopped in on my way out and checked on the child who they said had substantial brain injuries.  There wasn’t any family there and so I eventually left to then be called back late that evening.

I found out on the way that the police had just located the child’s mother who had been working at Ryan’s making some extra money for Christmas.  The child had been with her 3 year old brother and husband who both had died at the scene of the accident.  I was waiting at the hospital when the family – mother, grandmother, grandfather, uncle arrived.  I’ll never forget that night.  Their child had been moved to the PICU and the doctors were pretty sure she was brain dead.

I don’t even have words to describe that night.  I do remember us going to the chapel of the hospital right before the final evaluation at 7 am the next morning and I remember that mother screaming at God in that chapel.  With all of the anger and grief and sheer despair that all of us felt and much, much more.  I had at that point seen a lot of children be declared braid dead and I had accepted it and grieved with the family and been whatever support I could be, but not until that day did I scream at God too.  As the mother of this child said “Come on, you’re God.  You can do anything.  I don’t care what they say.  You can work miracles.  You can make this happen.”  I felt myself thinking the same things right along with her.  You are the Great God of the Universe – You can make this happen.  You can do this.

There are so many stories that run through my mind of miraculous and amazing things that have happened that we rejoice and are unfathomably thankful for, but then there are also many where we feel sucker punched and reeling.  I know that life is supposed to be more normal now.  The tumor board recommended the same wait and see and we’ll check back in 3 months with the MRI and see how much what’s left has grown, etc.  I am super thankful that this is not worse.  Really.  But it took until today for me to figure out why I haven’t been able to totally bounce back.  Oh I’m bouncing.  Thanks to y’all’s prayers.  But there are times when I’m tired and sad and it’s hard to keep bouncing.  I figured it out today.  It’s that fear thing again.  But for me it’s the reverse.  When I witnessed that family’s heartbreak, I saw one of my fears realized (boy was that fodder for CPE discussions).  I hadn’t been able to entirely put my finger on what was getting to me until today.  Not that this wouldn’t happen without a total fight and all the strength and grit that I have, but it is terrifying to think of ever leaving Mike and my kids.  For my kids not to know who I am or how I love them.  For them not to feel that to the essence of their bones.

I know this is not a feel good blog post.  I haven’t posted in a lot of days and it’s not because they’ve been bad days, they’ve been good.  But part of the reason that I’m writing these – actually one of the main reasons – is to process this for me.  Read it, don’t read it – it’s not hurting my feelings.  For me I think naming my fear, naming the imaginable loss I would feel leaving Mike and my kids, even if there’s no way in the world that would happen and the prognosis is great and I should be happy – just naming it makes a difference to me.  Saying the words outloud and acknowledging the big and small shifts that this has made in my life is important in moving forward.  Gosh, it sometimes sucks to practice what you preach.

What clicked today is that even in the most dreadful things, I know that God is still present.  God is still with us.  God is still cradling us.  Whether this is in the crazy topsy turvy days or the floating in between times.  I’m not going to let fear rule my life.  And I certainly don’t want it to rule the next 3 months.  It’s hard to live that abundant life Jesus talks about when fear takes root in your heart.  So my hope is that we get them out there.  That we say them outloud.  That we can let not just the nice happy parts of our souls shine through but that we can be honest in our questions our concerns our frustrations.  I keep thinking of Star Wars and Twilight references here, but I’m going to abstain from my typical music/movie references even though I love them.  It’s amazing how acknowledging our fears and letting the light shine on them can change our perspective and help keep us moving forward.  Hope y’all didn’t mind me acknowledging mine.

Posted in Faith, Family, Health, Hope, Tumor

So it hit me…

Posted on by narciejeter

I don’t really know how to begin this blog.  It’s been a long weekend.  While I was at the doctor on Wednesday we realized I have a sinus infection and Mike and I have been battling those all weekend so I know that has something to do with it.  It’s been exhausting and for some reason on Friday everything just kind of hit me, that 4 weeks from that day I randomly had a seizure and they then the next morning found this brain tumor and two weeks from that day I had that brain tumor mostly removed and on Wednesday I found out it was a type 2, not a type 1 or a 3 or 4 and I will wait for 3 months and will get another MRI and will get to wait I’m sure several days after that to see what the deal is.

I’ve been asked about getting second opinions and so many of my much beloved Emory people have offered medical expertise and I am full of gratitude for that.  I think it was Friday though when it hit me that all this really has happened and this is not a bad dream and this is my new reality.  I kind of hate the phrase at this point “new normal.”  A large part of me wants to scream the heck with the “new normal.”  I don’t want to find it.  I don’t want to have to find it.  I don’t want any of this happening period.

I know that there are very many people that have this worse off than I do.  It could have been a type 3 or 4 malignant.  I’m not even going to name all of the worse things that could be happening right now, and I know that and feel the pain of that.  But I also have to acknowledge that for me this sucks.  For a known and self-identified control freak, not being able to drive anywhere when I get carsick all the time, not having any control over this line of tumor still in my brain, not being able to do anything about it (yes I know I can get a second opinion and I can choose my attitude and I can be thankful, but that’s not how I always feel), not having the energy to clean up the house much less care that it’s a mess….it really just stinks.

So I battled this funk all weekend.  I read three books over the weekend – two ended sadly and praise God the one I read yesterday ended well.  We watched Carolina make it into the College World Series which is tremendous.  I spent the weekend playing with the kids and we ate good food, relaxed and I’m as always thankful for the help of my mom and Mike in keeping things together right now.  On Sunday morning I had absolutely no desire to go to church.  No I didn’t pull the I’m going to go to Bedside UMC this morning or Boxsprings Baptist, but I didn’t really want to go.  But you know that’s what happens on Sundays…Mike goes to church and on the rare chance that I’m not preaching I get to listen to someone bring the Word.  So Mom and I got the kiddos dressed and ready for church and off we went.

All morning I had been on the verge of tears and when we went into Bethel the first hymn was “O How He Loves You and Me” from the Faith We Sing 2108.  That was it.  I ended up having to go downstairs because I was pretty much hyperventilating crying.  It’s a simple song…”O how he loves you and me!  O how he loves you and me!  He gave his life.  What more could he give?  O how he loves you; O how he loves me; O how he loves you and me.”  I wasn’t upset because I didn’t believe the words.  I was upset because I do believe the words.  I know God loves me but that doesn’t completely change how devastating some of this is.  We can feel and know God’s love and there is hope there, but sometimes all we feel is despair at all of the what if’s and could have been’s and it isn’t easy to keep on singing and praising when you’re just not there.

By the time I got it together Josh was on to the children’s sermon and then the choir played a song that Patti had learned at a UMW retreat.  It’s also out of the Faith We Sing 2218 called “You are Mine.”  Here are the words:

I will come to you in slence, I will lift you from all your fear.  You will hear my voice, I claim you as my choice, be still and know that I am here.

I am hope for all who are hopeless, I am eyes for all who long to see.  In the shadows of the night, I will be your light, come and rest in me.

Do not be afraid, I am with you.  I have called you each by name.  Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.

I am strength for all the despairing, healing for the ones who dwell in shame.  All the blind will see, the lame will all run free, and all will know my name.

I am the Word that leads all to freedom, I am the peace the world cannt give.  I will call your name, embracing all your pain, stand up, now walk, and live!

Do not be afraid, I am with you.  I have called you each by name.  Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.

I kept crying but that at least got me to the sermon which was great and much needed as well.  All day I just kept struggling with this.  And I finally just let it out during Phineas and Ferb and told Mom and Mike the things that I’m frustrated with and afraid of and just sick of.  I don’t want to bottle this up and it keep giving me nightmares and I don’t want to take it out on my children or family, but it’s all so much sometimes that everything spills over.

Somehow though after saying it out loud to them and after eating some Fruitloops and watching the daytime Emmy’s I felt better.  Last night was one of the first nights I didn’t have a nightmare and for that I am thankful.  Is every day going to be easy?  No.  Does life sometimes really completely stink?  Yes.  Are there sometimes in our lives when tears of desperation are all that we can muster? Sure.  Is there One who still loves us and holds us and wants the best for us even in the midst?  Heck Yeah.  Is that hard to handle sometimes?  I think so.

I can’t help hearing that refrain from the hymn – “Do not be afraid, I am with you.  I have called you each by name.  Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.”  I guess sometimes there are things that we just have to cling to in the midst.

The kids were watching an Anne of Green Gables cartoon on PBS yesterday and I LOVE Anne of Green Gables.  It was a lot of fun watching it with them and I love that Kevin Sullivan produced both the Anne that I grew up with and this new animated series.  She always had a way with words saying things like not just feeling sad but being in the “depths of despair.”  Funny girl.  Maybe sometimes we are in the depths of despair.  And that’s real.  It’s not always faith, praise, and strength.  Who in the heck is like that all the time?  We are real people with real crud that happens and sometimes that’s not beautiful or picture perfect.  There are questions.  There are fears.  There is struggle.  I’m glad we don’t have to always have the answers and I’m glad that we don’t have to stay in the depths.  May God give each of us the strength and the tenacity and the courage and the hope to keep keeping on but may we also be thankful that we can come battered and bruised and confused and despondent and that’s okay too.

There’s a song I listened to a lot as a gangly too tall teenager facing typical mean girl stuff – nothing out of the ordinary, but you know how it goes.  The song is by Twila Paris and it’s called “The Warrior is a Child.”  May we each know that there’s a home to run to and that it’s okay to struggle with picking up the pieces.

Posted in Health, Music, Tumor

Quick Report

Posted on by narciejeter

Not going to spend too much time reporting on this and will debrief and reflect more later but we went to the neurosurgeon’s and the nurse took out the stitches – hallelujah!  My head is my head again so that’s good.  The pathology report says that this is a “low grade oligodendroglioma grade 2.”  Right now we just hang out and I get a MRI in three months and see if it grows or not.  Because they can’t determine how long it’s been there so how fast it grew the first time, they don’t really know how fast or if it will grow this time.

There are four grades – 1, 2, 3, and 4.  There are a ton of websites but one that helped me was http://www.irsa.org/astrocytoma.html.   So it’s not a grade 1 which is the better of the four.  But it’s also not a grade 3 or 4 which are malignant.  So it’s pretty awesome that it’s not malignant!  I would prefer a grade 1 but hey – I’ll take a 2 over a 3 or 4 any day of the week.  The group will present my tumor (those are two words you’d really not prefer to put together) next Wednesday to the tumor board and we’re supposed to call on Friday to see if there’s any change in what we’re going to do.  We’re still scheduled to meet with the new neurologist in a couple weeks and get those things going but as of now unless there are changes in my symptoms like more seizures, etc. than we’re to go about life as usual.  Sadly, Nicaragua is still a no go and they don’t want me to get overly exhausted, but other than that – life is good and beautiful and wonderful.

Thank you so very much for the prayers!  Both nurses were shocked that I felt so good after having surgery.  They couldn’t believe that I didn’t have any tingling or loss of feeling or anything besides some headaches.  I know that’s y’all’s prayers at work.  I know that the rapidness of my recovery and feeling as good as I do now is because of the power of those prayers and I appreciate every one of them.  I’m not going to go too much farther in that because I don’t want to start crying here at the computer, but THANK YOU!!!!!!!  This is good news.  We’re going to claim that and believe that.  And even better – life can go on as usual at least for three months so that means having fun with Mike and the kids, family and friends, getting ready for a new year at Wesley, preaching on Sundays and loving life!  Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!  God is good!

I’m going to close you out this afternoon with a song that I love by the group New World Son called “There is a Way.”  Love it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17eWXuUTq5s

Love, love, love to each of you!  Thanks for the prayers.  Loving the light breaking through each day!

Posted in Campus Ministry, Culture, Faith, Family, Health, Music

Those Moving Moments

Posted on by narciejeter

The two verses that the email version of the Upper Room gave me this morning were Psalm 91:1-2 “You who live in the shelter of the Most High, who abide in the shadow of the Almighty, will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress; my God, in whom I trust.”  The other focus verse was Matthew 28:20, “Jesus said, “Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

So tomorrow is the big day.  In some ways I feel like this is an even bigger day than surgery day but maybe that’s because I’ll be awake the whole time.  I am SUPER excited to get the stitches out.  I have already scheduled a fabulous wash and haircut from my beloved Robin at Kuttin’ Up for tomorrow evening.  Hugely excited about all of this crusty yuckness out of my hair.  Mom and Mike will go with me to the neurosurgeon’s.  GiGi is going to keep the kiddos.  Whatever they say – I don’t know.  I’ve gone back and forth all day but at present I’m just ready to know something.

To stay occupied I had a wonderful breakfast with an amazing couple that I’m marrying in less than a month and we began to plot and plan ways of sprucing up Wesley.  They’re having their reception at Wesley and I am beyond excited that we have the opportunity to give it a fresh look for their amazing occasion and to get ready for the school year.  We then got to work sprucing up and I had a great lunch with a clergywoman friend – a real treat!  Mike and I finished out the day picking out some new lights for Wesley and voting in the primary runoff.  So some work and civic duty complete it was time to hang out with the kiddos, take them to the splash pool, enjoy some Brunswick stew, cheer on the Gamecocks (cannot believe we won but so thrilled!), watch an episode of Burn Notice and we’re now flipping between the Clemson game and some crazy shoot em up movie on AMC.  It’s been a busy but good day and for that I am hugely grateful.

Dad called tonight after the Gamecocks won and in typical Dad fashion he has now made friends with the scalper who tried to break in line.  Today the guy came up and apologized to him for trying to cut and said he’d try to get him good tickets to Thursday night’s game.  Hilarious.  This is what amazes me about my father.  Even when he sticks to his guns and integrity but is kind of a hard rear, he still somehow makes these connections/relationships with people.  I guess you know where you stand with him and that is awesomely refreshing compared with plenty of people that just blah blah and placate you.

It’s those relationships that are so important.  A dear friend in seminary would say repeatedly, “It’s all about relationship.”  And it is.  There’s just something about that connection with the human spirit.  That which is real in me speaking to that which is real in you.  That beautiful hopeful and yet fragile humanity in each of us that calls out.  We’re watching America’s Got Talent now and this guy just did this whole kite thing to the music of Sarah McLachlan’s “Arms of the Angel” and it was just astounding.  Even Piers was floored by it.  He said he was prepared to make fun of it but it was extraordinary.  Very cool.  Three yes’s.  For a guy with a kite.  Who would have seen that coming?  That’s what’s awesome about the Susan Boyle’s and this kite guy and these random human connections that we make.  Remember that hilarious wedding video from last year with everyone dancing down the aisle?  Maybe it’s just sappy old me, but there’s just something so moving and human and great about these things.  It somehow pierces our cynicism and the layers of dust and crud and stink that seem to sometimes cover our souls.

I just love it.  I love when we’re shocked speechless by something and are blown away by the sheer force of joy or passion or just God given poignancy of something.  You can’t see Susan Boyle sing and not think – wow – didn’t see that one coming.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk

  If Simon Cowell can be blown away – Oh my.  (I also love the girl that rolls her eyes like yeah right like this woman can sing.)  You can’t watch the wedding party dance down the aisle and not get caught up in the moment of it all.  They just practiced once briefly.  Hilarious.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0
You can’t take part in this life we’ve been given with your eyes and ears even halfway opened and not have your foundation rocked some of the time (sometimes in a great way, sometimes in a not so great one), but the good comes with the bad, the joy comes with the mourning, the hot fudge sundaes with the brussel sprouts.  It’s awesome to be able to savor the igniting of the human spirit and those shake the rafters experiences that just blow you away in the best of ways.

So as I think about diving into the unexpected tomorrow, I know that….well there are so many cliches I could write here, I’m hesitating.  I could say it’s all good or it is what it is or any other random pat answers.  Instead though I’m going to say the journey rocks on.  And it does.  We’ll keep you posted!

Here’s Laura Story’s Mighty to Save – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYqogpLpC5Q

Posted in Culture, Faith, Family, Health, Music

Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner

Posted on by narciejeter

We just caught the end of Dirty Dancing which you can’t hear that stinking song at the end and not think about that movie – “For I’ve had the time of my life….”  Mike is now watching Family Guy.  Why is it every night around 10:30 when he can’t find anything to watch – we end up on TBS watching Family Guy?  It never ceases to amaze me how this show is still on the air and uncensored.

The wonderful lady at the doctor’s office called and said that we will meet with the nurse and doctor on Wednesday when they will take out the stitches and will go over the pathology report and the plan of action.  So Wednesday afternoon it is.  At least we now know when it is.  I’m trying not to complete fast forward tomorrow and Wednesday morning, but I must admit in our world of DVR – it sure would be nice to be able to fast forward some things.

Then again, I would miss such awesomely precious moments.  Enoch, Evy and I have eye goop right now and the amazing Dr. Paxtor at Sunshine Pediatrics which is the best pediatric group there is by the way has us all fixed up.  Enoch actually went to bed around 6 pm which is unheard of.  There is no telling when that kid is going to wake up tonight so here’s to hoping for the best!  Evy was her hilarious wild self until 8:30.  She is one of the most adorable girly little girls.  It amazes me because I’m not really a girly girl.  She’s just girly.  No other way to describe it – dainty and expressive and girly.  She’s tough too though.  When she got shots last week for her 16 month check up she didn’t even cry.  I’m glad we’re raising a strong little girl.  I wasn’t someone that grew up watching Dirty Dancing.  Truth be told – wasn’t allowed to watch it until I was too old to really care, but as cheesy as it is, I did always like the “Nobody puts Baby in a corner” line.  And since Enoch still calls Evy “Baby” most of the time, I think that’s pretty hilarious.

I like the both of our kids are so uniquely them.  They are as exuberant and happy as two children can be and just as mischevious (I secretly love the mischeviousness and think it’s adorable).  I like that they have their own personalities and do things in their own way and nature or nurture – they are each their own person.  We have raised them the same – if Enoch wants to play with a doll or Evy a train – who cares?  It’s just funny how they interact and learn and grow and change and just are.

Someone on facebook posted on Father’s Day that not all of us have had the greatest earthly father but each of us has a heavenly Father that created us and knows us intimately.  She cited Psalm 139.  I love this Psalm.  I don’t necessarily know if facebook is the way to share that message to some random person out there that grew up with a cruddy father or if that would just tick them off more, but you never know how God will speak to some one and you can’t beat Psalm 139 for talking about the Creator.  It’s the uniqueness – the whole special snow flake thing – that makes our human interaction to interesting and complicated and special.  We are each uniquely created and yet all of these unique many times strong-willed individuals still somehow manage to form community.  Even in the midst of our “me”-ness and our egos of being this special creation we are called to step outside of this self and reach out to the other.

Again, I think our faith is such a balance – a tricky but rewarding tight rope walk.  We are each “fearfully and wonderfully made” but we are each to “deny our selves and take up our crosses.”  Hmmmm….  It’s true nobody should put “Baby” or anybody in a corner, but it’s not a big group dance a la Dirty Dancing if it’s just Baby doing a solo macarena.  It’s something special when everyone joins in the dancing.  When we each step out of the corners of our lives and our hearts and join in the great dance all around us – that’s what makes it really special.

So I hope that even as awesomely individual as Enoch and Evy are – that they know not only that they are special and unique and loved but that they are part of a larger story and dance that encompasses us all in mighty ways together.

Mike’s flipped it to the World Cup now.  I think that’s a sign to stop blogging.  Will try my best not to fast forward to Wednesday and will seek to live in the moment and in the precious time in the present – even if waiting completely stinks sometimes.   Love to each of you!  And thanks for your dance!

Posted in Culture, Faith, Family, Health, Methodism, Movies, Tumor

Healing

Posted on by narciejeter

I’m sorry I’ve been slack in my blogging duties.  Things have been busy!  We still haven’t heard from the pathology report yet so no news there, but I have had a great couple days with Enoch and Evy!  We went to the pool and played and I slept in my own bed and woke up with the kids and we played some more so that was wonderful!  It was good to open mail, pay some bills, and do regular stuff around the house and get to see the kiddos.  It amazes me how quickly they grow and change.

A friend of mine posted earlier on facebook that she’s preaching about healing tomorrow and I was catching up reading Advocates and I noticed an article that talked about the healing service in the UM Book of Worship being a meaningful service for a lot of folks and one of our churches providing these services once a month for people.  I’ve been thinking about it all day.  Healing.

Tonight Mike and I went to see Iron Man II and even in that there was the need for healing.  Sure Mr. Stark is a smart mouth (and there were a lot of funny parts in there), but the a-ha moment of the movie is him seeing a video of his inventor/genius dad telling him that he was his greatest invention, blah, blah, blah…and then him figuring out the puzzle of how to beat the bad guys, etc.  He needed to hear that he mattered to his dad and that he loved him.  Just like Tony Stark, we each have past “stuff” that needs healing.  We each carry baggage around with us – some of us have painted smiley faces on it or it’s the LV designer line or there are a gazillion different pieces of all shapes and sizes with pink tags stuck to them.  Whatever they look like – they’re our junk that goes with us.  For some of us it’s the Tony Stark need to feel validated or loved or okay or good enough or like we make the cut.  For some of us it’s letting go of hurt or anger or grief or frustration or just drama.  For some of us it’s the self-sabotage and nagging that we do to ourselves.  For some of us it’s pride and self-centeredness. (maybe that’s just those of us that are self-interested enough to write blogs.)  For some of us that’s not feeling at home in who we are or who we’ve been created to be or wanting what someone else has.  For some of us that’s knowing that it’s okay for everyone not to like us at all times of every day and that’s perfectly fine too.

It’s such a delicate balance that whole letting go and letting God thing that we do because our baggage in a lot of ways is what makes us – us.  In survival mode we tend to hold even tighter to the things that are familiar even if they are the ones that have harmed us because it’s what we know.  I’ve never been the hugest of Oprah fans.  I watch.  Hello – at 4 pm in the afternoon what do you watch if not that and don’t tell me ESPN.  But since she got into this whole new age kick and has been talking like she’s this all knowing being, I haven’t really jived with her as well as before.  Anyway, in thinking about this whole healing thing and our baggage, I start thinking in some ways like this new age person – the whole surround yourself and draw to yourself all the good in the universe and release all the bad.  You know the whole clear yourself of the toxins thing.

And I do believe it.  I plan on getting a lovely massage, body scrub, fascial extravaganza at Belue Day Spa next week because I want to scrub away any sign of the hospital and cleanse my body and soul from this whole thing.  I do believe that we’ve got to release all of the cruddy yuckiness whether that be someone that gets on our last nerves or someone that has really hurt our feelings or someone who has told us we’re not good enough or smart enough or whatever enough or people that have generally made our lives little pits of you know where.  Holding on to any of that awfulness is not of God and it is not healthy.  Those are the toxins.  If only we could drink enough glasses of water to really cleanse ourselves of all of these deep and abiding hurts so that we can really experience healing.  We somehow remember the most meaningless of little things if it is hurtful to us.  That thing in the 8th grade that someone told us that really hurt our feelings should have no bearing on the life that we have now and yet somehow, those wounds are still there and often it’s the times of fear that bring them back.

I have fibromyalgia.  No, I am not a Lyrica commercial.  Yes, the Lyrica commercials actually get on my nerves.  Yes, I guess they help people know what it is, but who knows?  I know that on the tv show House, the lovely Gregory said that fibromyalgia doesn’t exist.  I also know that the neurologist I saw a week and a half ago didn’t believe in it either and just said it was a form of depression.  Wow.  Not even touching that one with a 10 foot pole except that we’re going to a different neurologist.  And know it has no relation to the brain tumor and no treatment of the tumor will not help it.  (I say these things because these are some of the questions we’ve asked too!)  I’m not telling you that I have fibromyalgia for any other reason than to say I know that there are many people that seek and search for healing.  I’m a part of a small clergywomen’s group – there’s maybe 7 of us total – and more than half of us have fibromyalgia.  That’s crazy.  Or maybe we’re just masichistic people.  All of us are in different stages of this journey and have found different ways to love and enjoy life but I know that all of us struggle with serving this creator God of love and seeking urgently to be healed.

The summer I moved back to Rock Hill was especially hard for me because I loved Atlanta and Emory and my home there.  It was a hot summer, Mike was traveling back and forth to Atlanta and the Winthrop students hadn’t arrived yet and I was feeling out of my element.  In the midst of the fibro and just feeling all out lowsy sometimes my mom gave me this verse written on this little card with a chick (you know the baby chicken not the other kind) on the front.  She told me I needed to claim it.  Jeremiah 17:14 “Heal me, O Lord and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the One I praise.”  It rocked it out in my pocketbook for a while and then got a little faded so has made its way into my wallet.  There have been plenty of times when I have felt cruddy.  Hello stitches on my head.  There have been plenty of times when I know that there has got to be someone more suited for this or better equipped or in better shape or more eloquent or smarter or more organized or more extroverted or charismatic or a better fundraiser, but you just can’t argue with something as simple as “Heal me, O Lord and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the One I praise.”

Some of you may say well that’s stupid blind faith.  Nope.  Not a bit.  It to me is saying that it’s not just about this.  It’s not just about our present baggage whether that’s physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, whatever.  It’s about the larger picture – the larger story of our life – “Heal me, O Lord and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the One I praise.”  I don’t imagine Tony Stark saying that.  Bahahahaha….  But I do invite us (me) to remember that and to say those words and trust those words not just with the big things like brain tumors, but with the little things in between.  We had a girl’s night this past week and saw Letters to Juliet.  (I know you’re thinking – is this girl ever at home resting – don’t worry – I am.)  It was a predictable but really great movie.  I loved watching Vanessa Redgrave and the thing that stuck out to me was when they’re pulling up at this really nice house and the guy (her grandson) says something along the lines of wow Gran what if we could end up living here.   You meet the love of your life at 16, skip the messy bits and then go straight to living in the mansion in your old age.  What I liked was what she said in return.  “LIFE is the messy bits.”  Life is the messy bits.  Yes, the messy bits are what make us who we are.  The messy bits are what makes the tapestry of our lives.  The messy bits have been woven together to make the amazing mosaics of color and light that shine forth through us.  God knows all of our messy bits.  Those things that nobody knows.  Those things that only a very few select people know.  Those mortifying things that whole gaggles of folks know but we’re still not saying them outloud.  Our messy bits are all out there.  I hope that we have the courage to let the light of God break in on those.  That the healing good energy (okay Oprah) can surge through.  That the prayers of cleansing and powerful might of refinishing that is even beyond that of a good spa day – may open our minds, bodies, and souls up to healing beyond our imagination.

Whatever those words that we need to hear.  Whatever the feelings and memories and people that we need to let go.  Whatever the beautiful and cleansing energy we need to grasp hold of.  May we feel refreshed.  May we feel renewed.  May we feel at home with the One who heals us and knows us intimately.

Posted in Culture, Faith, Family, Health, Music, Tumor

The Buzz

Posted on by narciejeter

I’m still at Josh’s house (a huge thanks to Josh and Karen for letting us become squatters in their lovely home) and Josh, Karen, Mike and Mom are watching the World Cup and I can hear that lovely buzz of horns that everyone seems intent to whine about.  What becomes a big deal to us these days?  LOL.

For those that are wondering what the latest buzz is here – there isn’t too terribly much.  As y’all know we saw the doctor on Saturday morning and he told us we would get the pathology results back on Tuesday or Wednesday.  Wednesday is almost over but onward we go without any word.  A dear clergywomen friend of mine called me earlier while I was at Wesley and she said I didn’t sound like myself and I was like OMG – you called me on a number I didn’t know so I thought you were the pathologist….It was practically the only phone call of the day.

So what have we been doing over the past couple days…well, I’ve read a lot of trashy magazines so let me tell you about the twihards and the latest with Robsten.  I have eaten a lot of good food – from church folk to students to clergy colleagues and campus ministers – y’all know a way to a person’s heart!  I have watched some very useless and mind-numbing tv – soap operas are so much more violent and even more insane than they used to be.  I’ve played Farmville – although it’s slower now and getting on my nerves a bit.  I’ve even started trying to do more twitter.  Some great students tonight showed me how to fix the background of my blog and so I guess I’m moving into the next decade or so…hopefully.

Overall there’s a lot of waiting.  I guess and wondering too, but that’s like a duh no brainer.  It’s hard being away from my kids but that’s a duh no brainer too.  I got to see Evy yesterday morning while Enoch was at pre-school and then I couldn’t take being away anymore and went and saw both of them last night.  Tomorrow morning Evy will be back again and I’m super excited about that!  We’re trying to keep things as normal as possible for them except that Mommy has been “at work” a lot this week.  Maybe it’s like the craziness of the beginning of the school year!

I feel like I’m making a lot of people wait right now and I do wish I had some answers.  But then a part of me is like, what am I waiting for anyway?  I want to get this brain healed and these stiches out and go back to playing with my kids and doing the things I love!  Not that Camp Josh and Karen’s hasn’t been great but what is the end date of this thing?

The problem with questions though is that it just leads to questions.  Well when is any end date?  I’m not talking about the finale of LOST but about when do we really ever know any answer?  Are we to wrestle with questions and answers to the end of time?  What do we hold to be true?  What/Who/in Whom do we trust?  Trust is such a big part of this.  Who do we trust with our info, with our identities, with our hearts?  Do we freely give these out or do we hold tight and protect?  Is it a little something of both and where do we draw the line?

The Upper Room today (I get the one online by email because it’s the easiest thing to do and I don’t know if it’s the same one in print form) has been a comfort to me lately.  The highlighted verses were from Romans 8:28-39.  I’ll post it below for you guys.  It’s verses that I’ve said many a times to students about God working all things for good for those who love God and the whole if God can be for us, who can be against us, and more than conquerors and so many good things.  What I like best (I hesitate when saying best with anything because that may change tomorrow) but what resonnates with me tonight as it did this morning is that NOTHING separates from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.  Nothing.

I may not understand why some people end up this way and others end up that way,  why some people seem to get a free pass at life and others a rocky road, or why the sky is blue, but I know that nothing in this world can separate us from the love of God.  A friend of mine emailed me a couple days ago about a close family friend that just passed away at 31 of Hodgkins lymphoma and she very wisely and bravely and honestly shared some of the questions that I think we each have when we’re faced with something like that.  She asked “Who does God select to call home?  Who does God select to heal and create miracles?”  Who?

She said they were child-like questions, but I think they are questions that on the darkest days in our hearts we know that these are the whens, and whys, and hows and what in the craps, that we want to know.  It seems cliche and not at all helpful to say I don’t know.  But I don’t.  We don’t.  I know that I believe in the power of prayer and that miracles happen all around us every day.  I’m a Momma T follower that believes little things done with great love can change our world.  And I know and can rest assured that NOTHING separates us from the love of God.  Nothing can separate us from that.  May we feel it.  Even when we’re in a ticked off mood having a not so good day or when we are at our lowest point – may we just taste the presence of God.  My mom has a student whose mother is most likely going to lose her second battle with cancer in the coming days.  And for her I know we ache.  We each know these stories and each of us has felt this pain and loss at one time or another.

May we release that.  May we say outloud our doubts and our fears and our questions and our let’s just be honest profanities sometimes and say COME ON!!!!  God is a big God and can take it.  Rest assured.  And this doesn’t even have to be a one time occasion.  But let’s also pull in all the good and grasp hold of that with two white knuckled fists and say heck yeah to all of the ways God amazes the socks off us and shows us things we didn’t think possible.  Try it.  Just try it.  Even at our lowest moments – there’s still this shining light we just can’t shake….like the buzz of a world cup horn in our ears….

“We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn within a large family. And those whom he predestined he also called; and those whom he called he also justified; and those whom he justified he also glorified.
What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything else? Who will bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:28-39 (don’t get me into all the exegesis of this one, but just see what it speaks to you!=0))

Haven’t posted any music to y’all lately.  Here’s another one that I love from church – Britt Nicole’s “The Lost Get Found.”  Maybe I like poppy music but this one is just fun!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4GmLRTJq1w

Posted in Culture, Faith, Family, Health, Tumor

Clemson Game

Posted on by narciejeter

Welp, we’re watching the Clemson game.  South Carolina’s going to Omaha so Dad is happy and hopefully Clemson will head that way as well.  Now that will be a big deal!

Resting today.  Taking the medicine and good ole steroids and hanging out on Josh and Karen’s couch.  We’re very glad that I can stay here so that the kids don’t freak out and I can rest but I miss them a ton!  Evy’s going to come for a visit while Enoch is at preschool tomorrow so that will be good.

Well the stitches are a lot farther across than we thought.  They go from one ear to two inches of the other which is a little insane – way to go modern medicine.  Karen set up a great scarf on my head earlier and so we should be good to go.

I’m really glad that this happened during the summer and that there’s some downtime built into everything.  I’m trying to process all of this slowly and deliberately and take things a day at a time.  We don’t have brain tumors in our family.  We don’t have any hereditary factors that we know of and yes we are waiting to hear the pathology reports.  When Mike asked the doctor on Friday if we should have hope that I wouldn’t have to worry about this over the next  5 years he said no, so I’m trying to realize that this is for the long haul and that it’s one step at a time.

They say that it is an astrocytoma which in more understandable words to me means that it’s shaped like a starfish.  It reminds me of the old proverb where the starfish keep washing up to shore and to save their lives you keep throwing back as many as you can but you really wish they would just stop washing up so you wouldn’t have to save them.  There are little bits that we can do every day to do our part to make the world a better place.  In my inbox this morning was a request from Bread for the World asking for help.  Below is their message.  I appreciate your help in calling and making your voices heard.  We can’t save all the starfishes in the world, but we can do the best we can with what we’ve been given.

Much love to each of you and God’s peace!

=0), Narcie

On Tuesday, June 15, Bread for the World members from across the country will visit their members of Congress on Capitol Hill to ask them to support millions of low-income working families who struggle to make ends meet.
I hope that you will be able to join us. If you can’t come to Lobby Day in person, please call your member of Congress on June 15. Please call your senators or representative using our special toll-free number (1-800-826-3688). Ask them to make the current Earned Income Tax Credit (EITC) and Child Tax Credit levels permanent.
You can explain your message by adding either or both of these points:
If Congress fails to preserve the Child Tax Credit at its current level, a full-time working parent receiving the minimum wage will receive only a $320 credit instead of the current $1,800 credit.  The difference—$1,480—is a modest amount of money that has a big impact on the lives of families struggling to make ends meet.
If the EITC and Child Tax Credit are not continued at current levels, 1.5 million people will fall below the poverty line, including 800,000 children. Find out how many people in your state would be affected.
The combination of a personal visit and your call make for a very strong witness for low-income families who need our help in making ends meet. Thank you.

Posted in Campus Ministry, Culture, Faith, Family, Health, Movies, Music, Tumor

San Francisco

Posted on by narciejeter

Mom and I watched a movie last night with Clark Gable and an opera singer called San Francisco.  Although her opera singing was not the favorite of my ears, the story was decent and talked about the great earthquake and fire of San Francisco and faith and all sorts of interesting historical stuff. It was much better than watching the cartoons, news and newborn channel on the hospital television.

So they’ve taken off the lefthand iv and took out the righthand iv this morning.  They removed the staples from the central line in my neck yesterday so the only things left to do to get me out of here is take the bandage off of my neck and remove the drip.  Definitely gives new thought to the phrase “brain drain.”  Other than that I’m doing pretty well.   I have to admit now that I wasn’t so sure that I was going to wake up as me.  I know that they didn’t say anything about me not being myself when I woke up but with the whole brain thing I was concerned that I was going to just be here but not really be here.  But I am here!  My head hurts of course – duh! but my real slightly silly brain is here and for that I am truly, truly thankful!  If I could do a little jig I probably would (I think of Papa Mac my grandfather dancing down the aisle singing Lord of the Dance with his two leg prostheses).

It’s been sad watching the news here with the floods and I can’t imagine what those families are going through.  Many prayers for each of them and all of the days, weeks, and years ahead.  I keep saying surreally that I just had brain surgery, but I certainly didn’t wake up in the middle of the night with water all around and losing my family.  May God’s peace, strength, and presence surround these people in ways that they can’t even comprehend.

It’s amazing to me the strength of the human spirit and that push to keep going whether to the frontier of San Francisco, that beautiful 16 year old girl wanting to get back out and travel again in her sailboat or in watching this World Cup action and the exhilaration and electricity that come from people uniting in a common theme and cause!  We’ll see what the doctors say in the days and weeks to come.  As Mike told y’all, the doctor got all of the tumor except one line that was where it was fuzzy and close to the motor cortex.  They’ll either wait and see, do some chemo and radiation or will go back in and do another surgery.  Either way looks like I won’t be making it to Nicaragua in August but I know the students will have a blast!

I’m tired and I’m definitely not back to normal, but it feels good to know that I’ll get to see my kids soon and that life is going on as usual for now.  Josh is leading a Bible Study at Annual Conference right now so Mom and I have been praying for him.  He and Dad will travel back this way this afternoon.  Caleb was with us the morning of the surgery and GiGi has been sending us updated picture messages on the phone of the kids.  Mike will be doing the music at St. John’s – Fort Mill this morning.  Renee, Guyeth and Rob visited yesterday and they were each a blessing!  Prayers for Lindsay, my cousin and Guyeth and Rob’s daughter who got t-boned by a car full of 5 guys last night in New Orleans.  Even though it flipped, her Explorer just seemd to have one dent which is a blessing but I know she’s going to be sore and shaken up so prayers for peace, relaxed muscles, and rest.

So life goes on and just like those people in the crazy movie San Francisco – it may not all be pretty and it may be a fight, but it is life and we serve and know and trust the One who goes before us and beside us and ever with us each step of the way.  Praise be to God!

This is the link I wanted to post for you on Friday – it’s a song from Amy Grant’s new record – “Overnight” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cPYk6qB4Q0

  I also wanted to share with you Michael W. Smith’s “Healing Rain.”  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bo1bjTOFbZA

Posted in Family, Health, Tumor

Goodmorning Doctor

Posted on by narciejeter

I arrived at CMC this morning, and let me tell you that there is not much traffic at the wee hours of a Saturday morning. After being reprimanded for coming during shift change times I walked around and spoke with Narcie’s nurse. She told me Narcie did great last night, rested as much as she could, and had the MRI at 1.00 am! I then walked in with Narcie and she was sitting in a chair eating breakfast, grits, sausage, eggs, biscuit, & apple juice. Yeah, she’s feeling better, the grits were gone…
The doctor then came in and told us the MRI showed a bit of of the tumor was still there, but that was to be expected, the edges of the tumor were fuzzy. Now we wait for the pathology reports to give more info to make a plan of action (radiation and all that stuff). The doctor then said everything they saw indicates we do not need to act quickly. So the tumor has proven to still be not cancerous, and not too aggressive. Thank God! But prayers that the pathology report comes back with good news!

Well now she is in her new room and they are expecting her to go home tomorrow, crazy huh?! She will spend a few days at Josh’s house then in a few weeks will be back. Then just waiting for the next MRI…

Soon Narcie will post.